TIME IN A BOTTLE

I know that I have been a bit down lately, but today  I woke up feeling strong and truly blessed  I feel good and am in a very positive mood.  I am a very fortunate woman.  As most of you know I have been down this cancer road before - 10 years ago lots of good people saw me through chemotherapy and radiation and I was fortunate enough to "win" 10 healthy years.  The Venable Team has been amazingly supportive.    Wow - I could go on forever about the things that happened in those 1o years - some that I would like to erase from memory (September 11th) and some that are part of my happiest moments in life (2 trips to Disney).  We sometimes forget all the different components that come together to fill a day, a week, a life.  My recent days have dragged by endlessly - counting the minutes on the clock.  I am not doing that today.  Today, I am making each minute an activity - counting activities is much better than counting minutes!  I know that when I go back to the hospital on Monday, the days will be longer and less productive, but I also know that it should be only 7 days and that the following 7 days will be at home and more productive and more independent - I look forward to the good days!  These in-between weeks make me stronger - both in body and spirit.  Today, I think of all the things that I have done in the past ten years (some as mundane as food shopping) and I enjoy the thought of each of those mundane moments - I may not have lived to see those moments and I know how lucky I am to have lived to se them.  I actually look forward to being able to walk through a food store and pick out my own groceries.  It will take some time, but I know that it will come.  I will work hard to regain my endurance.  I also know that I won't take such mundane things for granted anymore.  The casual lunch with a friend or co-worker, the chance meeting on the street and stopping to chit chat, remembering to send a birthday greeting - so many little things that make up our lives.   Being able to stand on my own.  I am lucky to be able to stand and walk a little bit - a few weeks ago, I could not.  I stood for over 10 minutes this morning, totally on my own, it was a great accomplishment and tomorrow I know that I will do better.  I guess it goes back to the minutes that make up our lives - we need to make each one of them count or at least appreciate each one of them, even the ones that don't seem very exciting.  Standing where I am today in comparison to where I was a few weeks ago and also where I was ten years ago, the minutes seem so important and meaningful.  I am glad to have had each and everyone of those minutes in my life - even the embarrassing ones and the painful ones (yes, there are always bad ones - but they make us who we are).  Every part of the journey has led me to this place and has been a part of my life - the important word being LIFE - I sure don't want the alternative!  I need to embrace all of life, even the bad parts - they all mingle together to make the whole journey, the whole person, the whole life.    I also reflect today on the fact that today I am alive and sitting at this computer - again, rather mundane, but as of a few weeks ago, me sitting here typing this Blog didn't seem very likely.  I was totally unaware of that - but I know that many of you were very aware and scared and concerned and living through hellish times worrying about me.  People were on their way to visit me and received phone calls that I was not doing very well.  I know that great forces worked to bring me to sitting at this computer today and I am thankful for all of them and all of you.  It is humbling to think that I may not have ever had the chance to tell the people in my life, family, friends, co-workers, etc. how much I love and value each and every one of them.  I would like to personally call each person that I know and love, but I really don't have that much energy yet, but please know that I am forever grateful for each minute that I have been given - good and bad ones - and that I will try my best to use each of them for good!  Thank you.  Lots of love.  Debbie      

The Mind is it's own place, can make a heaven of a hell and a hell of a heaven

This quote is from John Milton's "Paradise Lost" and it keeps popping into my mind.  I have had couple of bad weeks in the hospital - the holidays didn't help.   The days have been so long - and I have been so tired.  Getting home for a few days has lifted my spirits and I am feeling fairly well now.  But I have to keep reminding myself that I have to make the decision to live each day in a positive manner and not a negative one.  It is also important to not look too far into the future - it is a bit overwhelming.  I am trying to take one day at a time and keep a positive attitude.  I thank everyone who is helping me meet my goals.  

CHEMO #4 IS OVER - I am resting at my parents

More updates later when I am feeling stronger.  I am very fatigued (to be expected).  Aside from that, feeling pretty good.  Very lucky woman.  Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!

Potential Next Chemo - January 4, 2010 - I'll keep you informed.

FELLOWSHIP

FELLOWSHIP is not a word that is used very often anymore.  To me, it is the Fellowship of the Rings from the J.R.R. Tolkien books.  When I was in the induced coma, Tom, my former husband and dear friend read to me from the Lord of the Rings - we met at Loyola College in a Fantasy Literature Class and it was one of the series of books that we read together.  We also saw the movies together over the years.  They are the kind of books and movies that you really have to be interested in to fully appreciate and it is great when you have someone else to watch or read with who feels the same way that you do.  I bring up the Fellowship because I wanted everyone to know that during my ordeal, I never felt alone.  I always felt surrounded by my own Fellowship - much like that of Frodo's - my Fellowship could not always be with me and only my body could battle the platelets and bacterial infection, but I was never alone  AND most importantly, I know that I was never alone.  I felt a strong presence the entire time that I was in the hospital - I know that the presence was a combination of both spiritual beings and my family and friends that make up my Fellowship.  Some of them were there by my side - from Vermont and New Jersey and Abingdon and Rosedale, and Baltimore and White Marsh and others were only there in spirit and thoughts, but were surrounding me nonetheless.   I have said it before, and I want everyone to know and believe that I am a very fortunate woman.  I would like for this horrible disease and treatments to have bypassed me, but it didn't and there is nothing that I can do about it, but deal with it in the most positive efficient way that I can - and I am trying to do just that.  But I know that I have so much more love and support than so many others, so in many many ways I am better able to handle these trials.  I don't know what I would have done to have awaken from the induced coma with no one by my side (physically and/or spiritually), but I didn't have to deal with that - I was surrounded with love and positive thoughts and people that loved me and were rooting for me.  It is an amazing feeling and I am truly blessed to have so much love and friendship and caring in my life.   This battle is not nearly done and I know that there will be other tough times, but I also know that I am never alone and that I have so much help, that I will just have to get through each trial as it comes to the best of my ability.  I owe that to myself and to my entire Fellowship!  For those who traveled great distances in snow storms and for those who sent me there energy, I thank you all for your love and support and truly appreciate all that you did for me and most especially for my family who has really suffered from this latest ordeal! 

2010! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, here is wishing each and every one of you a very happy and healthy New Year.  To all my family, friends, fans, followers, medical professionals, prayer groups, buddies, colleagues, etc. - my wish for each of you is that 2010 be full of happiness, health, success and friendship and love!