Baking Disaster/Realization of Blessings

Yesterday started off well, I woke up early and without much pain. Mornings are rough, my left hip and groin are still bothering me and rolling in bed is rough on my necrotic shoulders. Even with the first chill in the air, I still felt better than usual at that time of the morning. I only had one task that was important to complete and no appointments. So things were looking good - all the physical therapy appointments are beginning to wear on me. I had planned to bake an apple cake and had bought the ingredients the day before. My sister called and told me that I didn't need to bake a cake - Megan had decided that she wanted to bake her own cake - she was going to try to make it look like a 3-D monster truck. My sister asked, that if I didn't mind, would I make the buttercream frosting, that way, Megan could focus on the cake. I didn't mind, I had already bought the ingredients for the icing and buttercream frosting is fairly simple and I have a stand up mixer, so it would not be hard on my shoulders. So, my only time-sensitive task of the day was to make some buttercream frosting and deliver it to my sister by 3:00 pm and it was still before 9:00 am. On a whim, since I didn't have a cake to bake and I had plenty of time on my hands, I decided to make some apple turnovers with the apples that I had bought for the cake - I had actually purchased some pre-made pastry crust because it was on sale, so the turnovers should be a fairly simple task. Well, as I cored and peeled and cut up the apples I realized that it was more work than I had remembered and I was beginning to feel tired. All that "arm work" was beginning to bother my shoulders and all the standing was taking a toll on my hips. Then I realized that I had spent far more time than I would have thought doing this first part of the turnover process. It was almost lunch time! Well, my mind began to race, I knew that I still needed to make the icing, but I still had plenty of time. Next I wound up fighting with the pastry dough. First it wouldn't come out of the wrapping and then it kept tearing as I tried to fill the turnovers with the apples. I had only gotten two turnovers completed when I was ready to break down and cry. The turnovers were a mess - lots of tears and apples spilling out everywhere. They were the strangest shapes and looked as if they would burst before I even got them in the oven. At that point, I realized that I was not even half-way done, I still had a bowl of chopped and spiced apples, that cost me a fortune and I didn't want to go to waste, I had not eaten lunch yet and I still had not made the frosting. I started to panic and then the phone started to ring and I was getting totally frustrated. If I were not so frugal, I would have dumped everything in the trash and called it a day. I just couldn't bear to waste those beautiful and expensive apples that I had spent to much time coring and peeling and chopping. I finally got a grip on myself and realized that the turnovers were just not going to happen that day, and I used the last round of pastry crust and filled it with the remainder of the apple mixture and formed a sort of "free-form" tart in a pie plate. I popped the two totally disheveled turnovers and the tart into the oven and started cleaning up all the mess that I had made. It seemed as if I had used every bowl and spoon and knife in my entire kitchen. The clock was now against me and I still had not eaten lunch, nor had I made the frosting! I stopped the cleaning up and made the frosting. I put it in the refridgerator and went back to the dishes and clean-up. I got the messy turnovers and tart out of the oven, I changed clothes and gathered some stuff and went to the car and drove to my sister's and went in and realized that I had all sorts of "stuff", but I didn't have any buttercream frosting - it was still at home in the fridge! I almost sat down and cried. I culd barely talk to my sister. She offered to go to my house and pick it up, but I felt that I needed to complete the one and only task that I had set out to do that day. I got back in the car and drove back to my house, the whole time chastising myself, and then I got caught up in school bus traffic and was even more angry at myself for not realizing that it was that time of the day. I finally delivered the frosting to my sister and got back into my car - if there were not so many people around, I think that I would have sat there and cried. I was so disappointed in myself. I used to be able to multi-task and problem solve - especially when it came to anything in the kitchen. The pre-brain cancer Debbie would have thrown out the first bad attempt at a turnover, made new pastry from scratch and prepared more turnovers. The pre-brain cancer Debbie could complete more than one task in a given day, she would have made the turnovers, made the frosting, eaten lunch, and a dozen other things and still would have delivered the frosting on-time and the pre-brain cancer Debbie wouldn't have walked out of the house without it and even if she did, she wouldn't have fallen apart over the mistake, she would have just moved more quickly and gotten the job done. I was suddenly hating myself. I ws totally frustrated and angry at myself. How could this be happening to me. How could this tiny baking disaster that started out on a whim turn me into such a mess! When I walked back into my house, I threw myself in a chair and tried to calm myself down. I still had a lot of mess to clean up and I still had not eaten lunch. And on top of everything else, I had two messed up turnovers and an ugly attempt at an apple tart sitting on my counter cooling and all they did was make me sad. Just as I was about to break down and cry and/or scream, I realized that my house smelled wonderful. The aromas of warm apple and cinnamon and nutmeg drifted through the air. The day was chilly, but my kitchen was still warm from the oven and that smell was just mouth-watering. It was then that I started to calm down and put things in perspective. It was that smell that made me realize that even the post-brain cancer Debbie was a pretty lucky woman. Just to be alive and standing in the kitchen and able to bake - even if it was a bit of a disaster. Able to walk and drive and function, even though I have some limitations. Able and alive! What did I have to be frustrated or angry or upset about. I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and gratitude. Thoughts of all of those friends and neighbors and family members that were not as fortunate as I - who are not able to have a baking disaster; who are not here to smell the wonderful aroma of an apple turnover and tart baking in the kitchen or feel the warmth of the oven on a chilly day. I thought of how very fortunate I am to be able to do a favor for my sister - it was not that long ago that she would not even have thought of asking me to do anything for her, even something as simple as making buttercream frosting. It was not that long ago that I was not able to drive myself anywhere or even have the energy to get in and out of the house. I was suddenly sitting in my kitchen, basking in the warmth from the oven and the delicious aromas coming from my apple concoctions, and I was smiling. I realized that I have been too caught up in who and what I used to be and I had forgotten to be thankful for who and what I am now. The turnovers and tart have been eaten, the kitchen is again chilly and I can't even smell a hint of cinnamon or apples in the house, but the memory of my baking disater and the realization of my many blessings will linger deep in my soul for a long time. I know that just being here in this moment is a blessing and I am grateful for all of my post-brain cancer days - the good ones and the not-so-good ones. I have been truly blessed and sometimes I just need a little nudge to help me remember that.

Summer 2011 - Summer Camp

I was shocked to see the date this morning - how can it be the end of August? Where did the summer go? I had so many plans for this summer and not many of them have happened. So as not to dwell on what I didn't do, I thought about all the things that I did do. One group of events stick in my mind the most. Hannah (my 11 year old niece) has spent a lot of time with me this summer. I have sort of been a "captive" audience. Since having yet another surgery, I have not been out and about much this summer. So, Hannah has come to visit and sleepover a lot at my parent's house while I have been there recovering. Hannah is a joyful child and full of energy. There is never an idle moment with Hannah around. Immediately after surgery, when I couldn't do much, we would read together or play games or watch tv. I can only take so much of the Disney Channel shows - all that screaming, but Hannah also loves some other stuff. She loves to sing the phone numbers from the commercials - the Stanley Steamer and Next Day Floors phone numbers are two of her favorites. She also likes to make fun of some of the actors and/or shows that come on - mimicing them or calling them names. If we see a commercial for "The Closer", she screams "the turtle is on". Hannah thinks that Kyra Sedgewick looks like a turtle! She watches the classis western station with my father and now can sing ot hum the theme songs from "The Virginian", "Wagon Train" and "Gunsmoke". She knows all about Oprah's last season and a lot about Dr. Oz as well. Mom always had control of the television between 2 and 3 and then again from 4 to 5. Now that Oprah is over, Hannah loves "Walker, Texas Ranger". Two episodes come on most days! We don't only watch television. Sometimes we watch movies - some recent movie nights were "Sweet Home Alabama" and the "Big Momma" shows. Hannah loves the really stupid comedies and laughs and laughs. When I was able to go out between surgeries and recoveries, Hannah and I went to the theatre to see a couple of movies. We saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" and just recently, we saw the final Harry Potter movie. We saw "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2" in IMAX and 3-D. It was rather expensive, but we both loved it.

We have also done some more normal activities - she has helped me go to the grocery store or Target - I still can't bend, so she can reach for stuff on the low shelves. Sometimes we cook or bake together. We recently made a cheese cake - most of which Hannah ate! She likes to cook and bake to a certain degree - she only likes to help with the "fun" parts and then wants to move on to other things and leave me alone with the drudgery parts - like cleaning up afterwards! We made a Quiche Lorraine the other day and she was really disappointed because she thought that all pies were dessert and she couldn't believe that I would make a pie that wasn't sweet. I think that she liked the quiche, but she just couldn't admit it. She really likes when we make things that she loves - like pudding.

We have also read together and I tell her bed time stories (which I am required to make up and she usually falls asleep midway through them). We spent a couple of days working on an art project - we made an pond with lily pads and water lilies and a frog out of origami. Hannah made the origami frog all by herself (well, with the help of a you-tube video). It was really very well done. Hannah loves a challenge and has become obsessed with playing the card game solitaire - she gets so frustrated when she loses. Sometimes her and my dad play on opposite side of the table to see who does the best.

When Hannah spends the night, she sleeps in my room at my parent's house. It is a small room with only a twin bed and a chair. I sleep in the bed and Hannah makes a bed of soft blankets and comforters on the floor beside my bed. When I was using the walker, crutches, and cane, Hannah would always say before going to bed, "Aunt Debbie, don't step on me during the night, I don't want to waked up squashed!" I did always worry about that - I was rather unstable on my feet and I would always have to get up two or three times during the night - sometimes to go to the bathroom and sometimes to move into the chair when the bed or my sleeping position became too painful. Each morning, I tease her that I didn't squash her during the night - it has become a running joke.

I have to admit - I have really enjoyed this time that I have had to spend with Hannah. I don't have children of my own, and although I have always taken time to spend with all of the nieces and nephews, I have never spent as much summer time and un-scheduled time with any of the other ones. I have vacationed with my sister's family before and gone away for weekends, etc., but this has been different. I hope that someday when Hannah is old, she will look back with fondness on the summer of 2011 - when she and Aunt Debbie had summer camp for two!

ELVIS - 8/16/1977 gone but not forgotten

I was listening to the radio on the way over to my house earlier today and I heard an Elvis song, "Burning Love". After the song ended, the DJ mentioned that another Elvis song would be played shortly. The station was doing a tribute weekend in honor of the anniversary of Elvis' death. Even now, if asked, I could tell you that Elvis died on August 16, 1977. Yes, I am one of those people that still remembers exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. I remember being in total disbelief.

In August of 1977, I was on summer break from high school. I am sure that I spent part of the summer contemplating what it was going to be like to be a high school senior when school started in early September. Elvis was probably not a huge focus of mine at that time of my life, but if asked, I still would have said that I loved him. That day, I was in the downstairs television room at my parent's house watching an afternoon movie. I loved old movies and whenever I got the chance, I would watch the one that came on in the afternoon. Our house didn't have central air conditioning and the tv room was partially underground, so it was the coolest place in the house. I don't remember what the movie was, but I do remember the phone ringing and at the same time, our next door neighbor, Mrs. Palma, was yelling over the fence. The phone was ringing and Mrs. Palma was yelling, "get Debbie, tell her to come quick - has she heard?" Mom grabbed the phone - it hung on the kitchen wall, the room next to the tv room. I got up from the sofa that was in front of the tv and went to the back yard to find out what Mrs. Palma was yelling about. I was sort of annoyed - I hate it when someone interrupts a movie! At almost the same time as I stepped through the door and into the yard, I could hear my mom on the phone saying "Oh, Lou, I can't believe that!". She sounded upset as she hung up the phone and then followed me out the door. Mrs. Palma taling fast, but the jist of what she was saying was "Did you hear - Elvis is dead!" I started to deny it. It couldn't be true. If Elvis were dead, I somehow would have known it the instant that it happened - I would have felt my heart break. But, my mom was repeating the same thing. Her brother had just called to tell her. After it all sort of sunk in, I walked back into the house to turn off the television so that I could walk across the alley to tell my friend Brenda. When I looked at the tv, here was a special report and a news person was talking about Elvis being found dead. I remember being in shock and disbelief and totally sad the rest of the week.

Elvis was a huge part of my early life. I loved Elvis for as long as I can remember. I loved the young Elvis, the singer Elvis, the actor Elvis, even the fat Elvis. I still have a few of my Elvis albums - even now, I can't bare to part with them - I don't listen to them anymore, but I can't discard something so important with that part of my young life. Eventhough in my heart, I knew that he was a terrible actor, I have probably seen every movie that he has ever starred in. And, if I happen to flip past a station playing one of them, I will most likely pause for a while and watch a part of it - just to see his smile and hear a song or two. My friend Brenda and I used to fight over which one of us would marry Elvis when we grew up! We would sing Elvis songs and play "meeting and marrying Elvis" in our back yards. Till this day, I do not like Priscilla Beaulieu Presley! I hated her when Elvis married her, I hated her more when she divorced Elvis and I hated her even more when she became a tv personality. Childhood hatreds die hard!

It is strange how that song and the DJ's reminder of the anniversary of Elvis' death brought all of those memories back to me. I had wanted desperately to see Elvis in concert and never did. I remember pleading with my father to let me watch the Elvis Concert via satelite from Hawaii when it was on. He was watching something else and finally he gave in and changed the channel so that I could watch Elvis in the white jumpsuit with the rhinestones.

I'll have to play a few of my favorite Elvis songs (I have the collection on CD now) later this week as a tribute and a memory of my first infatuation with a star. There were others back then (Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy) and a few in more recent history, but none of my infatuations, past or present, have ever rivaled my love of Elvis.

Update - 5 weeks since left hip replacement

Although I am totally sick and tired of physical therapy and being in "recovery", I am doing well. I graduated to walking with a cane this week. I can actually walk un-assisted, but I sort of wobble, so I don't want to get in that habit, so the cane it is. Aside from that, I am progressing. Still going to out-patient physical therapy twice a week - it is still grueling and painful. This time around, the pain has been more continuous. I am still having trouble sleeping. The minute I lie flat (which I have to for a few more weeks), the pain gets very intense and keeps me awake. It is very annoying! I have good strength in the operated leg when standing, but I have trouble with balance and stamina. I also can't raise that leg very high on it's own - I sort of have to pick it up to get in and out of a car. The physical therapist thinks that I am doing great - but he is not the one struggling and in pain! The other problem is that my arms/shoulders are really beginning to hurt again - if it is not one thing, it is another! The good news is that I am PROGRESSING - so that is all that matters for now.

Out of the Hospital and Recovering at my parent's house

Yeah - I was discharged from Franklin Square Hospital Center yesterday afternoon. I was a little apprehensive about leaving, but mostly very happy to get out of there. The time in the hospital was good - I think that the pain medicine cocktail really helped. I had some good visitors and great conversations - everything from "what is going on over the holiday weekend" to "what is important to you and your life". After getting home, I felt a little bit of pain and did have a rough night - bo sleep was happening on Franklin Square Drive last night. I woke up feeling well and stronger. The therapist visited early in the morning, so I completed the tough exercises and well before lunch. Mom made a nice lunch and then we relaxed. It is good to be home. Good to be recovering.

On another subject, I recently read the obituary of Nick Charles, a sports anchor for CNN. I remembered him from his days in the 70's on WJZ TV. He had lots of curly dark hair. Apparently Nick was battling cancer and was told that he didn't have long to live. When asked about his plans, he said that he had a "series of short-term goals that really sustain me". I liked that. I think that many of us, when asked what we would want if we were going to die, would think in terms of a "bucket list" and if asked what we wanted in our last days of life would think of grandiose trips and adventures. Anyone who has been ill for a while, and hasn't felt well and is maybe financially depleted, knows that sky diving and trips to India to visit the Taj Mahal or climbing Mt. Everest are really far fetched and most likely unobtainable dreams. I am not against "big dreams", but I am a more practical sort of person. The idea of "short-term goals" really impressed me. We are all able to wish for something and to accomplish something in the near future. It is a more practical and meaningful desire. Things like being able to celebrate the next birthday or be part of a special moment in a loved one's life. We can all think of something in the short term time frame that we would like to be a part of or experience - a sunset or sunrise; the sound of the waves crashing against the beach; the laughter of a good friend; s'mores eaten by the fire pit; a really exciting game of Pictionary; or a conversation about something meaningful. I think that since my most recent illness in 2009, I have lived a little more "one day at a time". I needed to live that way during the tough treatment schedule, just to get through the day and not to have my hopes dashed over and over again when I wasn't released from the hospital when I wanted to be or not to be well when I wanted to be or not to be able to attend some festivity when I really wanted to attend it. It is funny now that I can put all of that in perspective. I don't know when I will die - it could be tomorrow or in 40 years. What I do know is that life is a series of days and moments and that we can not rush through them to get to the next one. We have to live and relish each and every one of them - the good, bad and in-between. All those moments and days and years are full of the experiences that make up our lives. They are all part of our short term goals accomplished. And I hope and believe that those short term goals will sustain me.

Enjoying the last few minutes of life before surgery!

Heading to surgery for the left hip. Looks like a beautiful day. I took my anti-bacterial shower and I am packed and ready to go. Just wish that I could have a cup of coffee!!! Be in touch soon.

Off to Hip Surgery in the Morning - Left Hip this time!

Hello Followers:
I am very sorry that I have not posted in a while - I have been in denial about surgery again and also trying to cram as much stuff in prior to surgery and doing it all while not feeling quite so good. I really shouldn't complain - I am in a lot better shape than a lot of other people I know - and some of them don't even have major illnesses! :)
If you have been around me at all lately, you know that I am not happy to be having hip replacement surgery again. I have done by best not to think about it - I was not happy about it the first time and am even less happy this time around. Okay - I will stop all of my whining and leave you with some thoughts, comments, and general musings.

First, I would like to mention that lots of friends have called and sent cards and notes and met me for dinner and lunch and just had great conversations. A big thank you to all of you - it is great to have such a wonderful support network. I don't know how I would continue without all of the the love, friendship and support that has been bestowed upon me.

Second, I have been organizing things at my house - I have so many half-done projects going on. I can't seem to finish anything! Prior to getting sick in October of 2009, I was working on archiving some old black and white and childhood photographs and organizing them in chronological order. Well, needless to say, all that stuff is now in a dozen boxes in various stages of incompletness all over my basement. My immediate task was to just get all the photos and photo stuff all in one place. And, I did - sort of. It is not 100%, but it is fairly close. I now have four or five, nice see-through plastic bins, filled and labeled. So, I feel good that I actually accomplished something that I have been working on for a long time. In the process, I found some photographs that made me really think - some made me laugh and some made me cry and some just befuddled me - I had no clue who some of the people in the photographs are or what on earth was going on in some of them! I will have plenty of stories about some of my findings after I return from surgery and have a bit more time to gather my thoughts.

Also, a good friend took me to dinner at P.F. Changs the other night - yummy dinner and great conversation. Nice to be out and about, especially knowing that I won't be out and about much for a while after tomorrow. Anyway, I brought along a couple of photos from my scavenger hunt and we laughed and reminisced and had a good time. Wow - I had some big hair in the 90's! After dinner, the waitress brought the check and fortune cookies and my fortune cookie contained the following fortune, "Look forward to great fortune and a new lease on life!". So - is that appropriate or what????

There have been a couple of other luncheons and dinners and great conversations these past few weeks, but I will have to save some of the stories for another time. I will leave with this though, as I was packing my suitcase to go to the hospital, I was feeling a bit down. I just don't want to have another surgery and be in therapy again. And, in the background, I could hear, Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" playing on the radio and it really gave me a boost and cheered me up. Oddly enough, the next song was "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens. Needless to say, I have now turned the radio off - I have felt like a moon shadow has been following me for a long time now and don't need any reminders!

Don't worry - "I Will Survive" is the song that is still playing in my head. I'll be in touch real soon!