Nuggets at 3:33 a.m.

I don't remember who used the phrase "nuggets" to refer to bits of memories that come back to you, but I always thought that it was a great word.

Well, I woke up at exactly 3:33 a.m. the other night from some sort of nightmare. It seemed so real. The only thing that I remember from the nightmare was that there were people out in the cold winter weather and it was freezing out and I could not do anything to help them. The weird thing is that when I woke up, I was freezing - I always seem to be cold these days.

Anyway, after the nightmare, I couldn't get back to sleep, so I sat up in the chair and listened to some Show Tunes on my IPod. That is when the nuggets started. I kept thinking of bits and pieces of unconnected things and memories from the last few years. Some were happy and some were not so happy and some were just strange. I thought of the cool goody basket that was sent to me when I had the brain surgery - I still use the mail box that it came in to keep my current bills in. I also thought of a long ago friend that called me out of the blue and I had not remembered to return the phone call. I thought of some of the really nice nurses that have taken care of me and shared personal stories of their lives with me - it is odd how sometimes a total stranger's story can have so much impact in a time of discomfort. I also tried to rememeber the name of a particulary "mean" nurse who I did not like much, but I could not remember her name - maybe it is true that the bad stuff is more easily forotten. I thought of the plants at my house that have long since died, since I did not get there enough to keep them watered (or remember to have someone else water them for me). I also thought of the potted snake plants in my spare bedroom that are still alive and are thriving, eventhough they have only received water in rare moments. I thought of the now dormant rose garden that I planted at my house, but never really completed - I wonder if they will come back this year - I was not very attentive to them since planing them in the Spring. I thought about all the funerals and viewings that I missed due to my illness - at least four of my friends lost a parent while I was ill. I thought of events that I was not able to attend, but really wanted to and I also thought of events that I was fortunate enough to be able to attend. That had me thinking of all the things that I dragged my sister to last year, because I needed a driver! I thought about people who had traveled far to visit me during various stages of my illness and all the lunches and dinners and meals that friends and family have bought and/or prepared for me. Some friends recently brought me a carry-out crabcake sandwich - oh it was so big and yummy! I also thought of all the cards and letters and emails that people have taken time to send my way - so many little things that make the days go by faster and made me smile for a little bit. So many "simple pleasures". These nuggets of memory lasted until around 5:30 a.m. when I finally turned off the music and layed back in bed and fell into a deep sleep. I was surprised at how much I remembered the next day when I woke up. I think that sometimes we forget how many "nuggets" make up our days and weeks and lives. It was good to reflect on a few of them.

Update on Recovery from Hip Surgery

I saw the surgeon today. He x-rayed the new hip and I saw the prosthesis on the x-ray. There were two giant screws going from the prosthesis into my pelvic bone (I think the pelvis is connected to the hip - I can't seem to remember the song). Kind of weird knowing that the artificial replacement part and some big screws are inside of my body! He did not use any cement to insert the prosthesis - apparently that is a good thing. The surgeon was very pleased with his work and my recovery so far. My recovery is right on track and his only comment is that I need to wean completely off of walking with any support (crutches and/or walker) shortly. He feels that the operated leg is now strong enough to be completely weight bearing and with a little more physical therapy, I should be walking just fine. Oh - one thing of concern - he does not recommend that I do the hokey pokey anytime soon! I must still adhere to the "hip restrictions" (pillow while sleeping and 90 degree sitting position and not bending, twisting, etc.), but can move about a bit more freely. No driving though (boo hoo - I paid so much to get my license back and still can't drive!). I will now graduate to out-patient physical therapy starting next week. Out-patient physical therapy is a good thing because my mom totally dislikes the home physical therapist and complains about her for hours after she leaves the house, but not a good thing because I will be back to paying all those $30.00 co-pays each week! Just can't win with all this health care stuff!

As for the other hip - the surgeon will monitor it over the next few months and make a determination about any surgery and/or treatments at a later date. Good thing - because the pain and inconvenience of this surgery is still too fresh in my mind to even contemplate doing it all over again!!! :)

Thanks to everyone for all of their support during this recovery!

Weird Sense of Deja Vu

There is snow on the ground, I am freezing, using a walker, not sleeping well, partially immobile and recovering again. I feel like I have done this all before! Yes, weird sense of Deja Vu. The first week after the surgery were very painful and restrictive, but things are getting better now. It is still totally uncomfortable to sleep and difficult to get in and out of bed, but I am moving about more and the pain is manageable. I think that this recovery is more of a mental strain than physical at this point. I just got back to leading a more independent life and now I am totally dependent again. Yuck! I do know that this time it is just "recovery" from surgery, I am not "sick". So, all things considered, I am in a much better place than the last time that I was learning to walk again. I know that I am very fortunate and I know that I have the strength and determination to recover from the hip replacement surgery. Soon, I truly will be well and hopefully m life will move forward. Soon.

HIP SURGERY ON MONDAY

What a way to start the week, total hip replacement! I am not happy about it, but I guess that I am prepared. The good part is that I will be the first surgery of the day - that way I'll get the surgery part over with fast. The bad part is that the physical therapy can be grueling and it will tie me down for about six weeks. Sort of unfair, I was finally getting some freedom and driving again and also staying at my own house. Now, all that will stop again. Oh well, not much that I can do about it, but work on my recovery and heal as fast as I can. Just one more obstacle to overcome.

Oncologist Visit and Ugly Doll

I saw my oncologist this week - just a follow-up. She is very pleased with my recovery (I guess that the brain issues and hip issues and upcoming surgery are not very important to an oncologist). Okay, sorry, I know that I am being negative. I have lots and lots to be thankful for and with all that I went through, I am lucky to be alive and doing as well as I am! I know and understand that. I also try very hard to celebrate all the good things in my life, but sometimes being told that I am "fortunate", just gets old and annoying!

Anyway, I digress. My office visit went well and all my blood work was good and I have now "graduated" to only seeing her every three months. I will also have a brain CT scan in March - after the hip surgery, I can no longer have MRI's. So, lots of good news. I gave Dr. Rao a little present - it was a clip on Ugly Doll. Ugly Doll's have sort of been my "thing" since the whole cancer stuff. I'm not exactly sure when I said it or to whom, but at some point, I was feeling low and my hair was falling out and skin peeling and I said "I feel like an ugly doll". The reply was "well, Ugly Dolls are adorable". So, to me, Ugly Dolls have been a symbol of recovery - yes, I might have felt "ugly", but I really was "adorable". I have given Ugly Dolls to some co-workers, family members (Hannah loves them), some favorite nurses and a few friends throughout this cancer ordeal. I would have liked to buy an Ugly Doll for everyone in my life, but then I would need to have gotten back to work and be making some overtime for that! Dr. Rao is not normally a very demonstrative person - she is very business-like and matter-of-fact. I was surprised to see her almost (almost) tear-up when I gave her the little Ugly Doll. She said that she was going to put it on her purse. While I was checking out and making my next appointments (Not until March - yeah!), I heard her telling her staff about the Ugly Doll and how cute it was! Made me feel good. It was a good day all around. I'm not bragging - but for now, I am one-up on cancer!

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals is Happiness"

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals Is Happiness" - I read that quote by Deepak Chopra in today's newspaper. There was a short interview with Chopra, a self-help guru, regarding New Year's resolutions. It is funny, but I have not really thought about any resolutions this year - one would think that I would have had a lot of them after the year that I had (or more like year and a half!). I know who Chopra is, but don't think that I have ever really read any of his works or heard him speak or anything, but what he said in the interview intrigued me greatly. He said that "what people most want is happiness". He referenced research on happiness and said that it shows the following things: "Happy people always look for opportunities where others are seeing crisis. Happy people have meaning and purpose in their lives. Happy poople are creative, and happy people know how to make other people happy. They're very good at building relationships, not networking but building authentic relationships." I am going to ponder that for a while, but I guess that I now know what my New Year's Resolution is - to be happy. I am just not sure what exactly I need to do to achieve happiness, but I will work on it! If I figure out the answer, I will let you know, but for now, I will at least seek the answer.

CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

My Christmas Eve 2010 sure is a lot different than Christmas Eve 2009! I don't remember every detail of that day, but I do know that I was a patient in the hospital. I know that I was very ill and felt terrible. I know that I had no real freedom and was not able to drive or live in my own home - I could barely be alone at all. I had visitors during the day and at some point, my sister and I wrapped some presents (I should say "attempted" to wrap presents - it took a lot more energy than I actually had to do the little that I did). I also remember that my life seemed very bleak and it was very difficult to forsee any better future. I was sick and tired and I could not visualize a day when I would't be. I was barely eating or drinking and nothing tasted good. I remember watching Midnight Mass at the Vatican on the tiny television set in my room. I was alone and tired, but could't sleep. I remember that Nurse Rose would come by every so often to check on me or bring me medications. There was an altercation at the mass and someone tried to attack the Pope. I remember being in total disbelief and telling Nurse Rose about it when she came into my room later on - I wasn't sure if she actually believed me at the time. (The Nurses were all aware of the hallucinations that I sometimes had as a side effect of the steroids). I tried to stay awake to listen to the choir, hoping that the sounds of Christmas would somehow make me feel better. I dozed in and out until I finally turned off the television - it was more distracting than soothing. It is strange what memories "stick" and which ones don't. It is strange that these are the things that come to mind when I think of Christmas Eve last year.

So, a year later and I wake up in my own bed in my own home. No, I am only living there part-time, but I am still "living" there. I drove myself to my own house in my own car - yes, I have a valid driver's license again. Oddly enough, I woke up this morning feeling rather "down". I had so many hopes for this Christmas season and it seemed as if none of my hopes had been fulfilled. I felt tired - deep down tired. I got out of bed and drove my car to the food store and took care of a few errands and then went back home and back to bed. I was still deep down tired. When I woke up, I was sort of annoyed that I had "things" to do. I needed to get ready for a party. At that time, I didn't want to do anything - and I really didn't want to go to a party. It was too much "work" to get dressed and ready to go be social. All of a sudden, the party and the holiday felt like an obligation and not something fun. The feeling was making me more tired and more down. After a while, I did get dressed and ready for the party. My parents drove me there (I am still not really comfortable driving at night). That was another thng that had me down - I had achieved my goal to be able to drive again, but my driving is still limited. I want to be able to drive like I did before the brain surgery and chemotherapy treatments! Well, after arriving at the party, my spirits were lifted. People were laughing and talking and eating and drinking and so was I. Somewhere between getting in the car to go to the party and the first fifteen minutes of the party I went from seeing the glass as half empty to seeing the glass as half full. No, my health and life and circumstances are not all that I want them to be, but they sure are a lot better than they were a year ago. I wonder what myself of a year ago would have thought of myself today? A year ago, I was very down (with good reason), but I could not even see the possibility of attending a party, eating good food (and enjoying the taste of it), holding a nice conversation, being in a social setting without worrying about "catching something". This morning when I woke up I had forgotten the rule that I have been trying to live by - the rule of "one day at a time". I was looking too much at the big picture and too little at the segments of the journey. It is odd, I usually would say that I see things more clearly early in the day. That is not so today. Today, it took me until this late in the evening to really see how far I have come on this journey and just how much I have achieved. Yes, I will spend the remainder of this Christmas Eve celebrating the differences between last year and this year. So many good accomplishments - so many good things to look forward to. No, my recovery is not complete - it may never be. But I have moved forward on the path. And hopefully, each day, I will move a little more forward. That is all I can ask for. Yes, I am truly fortunate. And yes, now I realize that today was a really good day - full of love and friendship and achievements and accomplishments. Well, it sounds like the mass is starting and I am hoping to hear the choir sing a bit before going to bed. I will watch Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican on the television in my parent's living room. Comfortably on the sofa as my mother sleeps in the chair. No nurses will check on me or bring me medications. What a difference a year makes! Merry Christmas to all.