Baking Disaster/Realization of Blessings

Yesterday started off well, I woke up early and without much pain. Mornings are rough, my left hip and groin are still bothering me and rolling in bed is rough on my necrotic shoulders. Even with the first chill in the air, I still felt better than usual at that time of the morning. I only had one task that was important to complete and no appointments. So things were looking good - all the physical therapy appointments are beginning to wear on me. I had planned to bake an apple cake and had bought the ingredients the day before. My sister called and told me that I didn't need to bake a cake - Megan had decided that she wanted to bake her own cake - she was going to try to make it look like a 3-D monster truck. My sister asked, that if I didn't mind, would I make the buttercream frosting, that way, Megan could focus on the cake. I didn't mind, I had already bought the ingredients for the icing and buttercream frosting is fairly simple and I have a stand up mixer, so it would not be hard on my shoulders. So, my only time-sensitive task of the day was to make some buttercream frosting and deliver it to my sister by 3:00 pm and it was still before 9:00 am. On a whim, since I didn't have a cake to bake and I had plenty of time on my hands, I decided to make some apple turnovers with the apples that I had bought for the cake - I had actually purchased some pre-made pastry crust because it was on sale, so the turnovers should be a fairly simple task. Well, as I cored and peeled and cut up the apples I realized that it was more work than I had remembered and I was beginning to feel tired. All that "arm work" was beginning to bother my shoulders and all the standing was taking a toll on my hips. Then I realized that I had spent far more time than I would have thought doing this first part of the turnover process. It was almost lunch time! Well, my mind began to race, I knew that I still needed to make the icing, but I still had plenty of time. Next I wound up fighting with the pastry dough. First it wouldn't come out of the wrapping and then it kept tearing as I tried to fill the turnovers with the apples. I had only gotten two turnovers completed when I was ready to break down and cry. The turnovers were a mess - lots of tears and apples spilling out everywhere. They were the strangest shapes and looked as if they would burst before I even got them in the oven. At that point, I realized that I was not even half-way done, I still had a bowl of chopped and spiced apples, that cost me a fortune and I didn't want to go to waste, I had not eaten lunch yet and I still had not made the frosting. I started to panic and then the phone started to ring and I was getting totally frustrated. If I were not so frugal, I would have dumped everything in the trash and called it a day. I just couldn't bear to waste those beautiful and expensive apples that I had spent to much time coring and peeling and chopping. I finally got a grip on myself and realized that the turnovers were just not going to happen that day, and I used the last round of pastry crust and filled it with the remainder of the apple mixture and formed a sort of "free-form" tart in a pie plate. I popped the two totally disheveled turnovers and the tart into the oven and started cleaning up all the mess that I had made. It seemed as if I had used every bowl and spoon and knife in my entire kitchen. The clock was now against me and I still had not eaten lunch, nor had I made the frosting! I stopped the cleaning up and made the frosting. I put it in the refridgerator and went back to the dishes and clean-up. I got the messy turnovers and tart out of the oven, I changed clothes and gathered some stuff and went to the car and drove to my sister's and went in and realized that I had all sorts of "stuff", but I didn't have any buttercream frosting - it was still at home in the fridge! I almost sat down and cried. I culd barely talk to my sister. She offered to go to my house and pick it up, but I felt that I needed to complete the one and only task that I had set out to do that day. I got back in the car and drove back to my house, the whole time chastising myself, and then I got caught up in school bus traffic and was even more angry at myself for not realizing that it was that time of the day. I finally delivered the frosting to my sister and got back into my car - if there were not so many people around, I think that I would have sat there and cried. I was so disappointed in myself. I used to be able to multi-task and problem solve - especially when it came to anything in the kitchen. The pre-brain cancer Debbie would have thrown out the first bad attempt at a turnover, made new pastry from scratch and prepared more turnovers. The pre-brain cancer Debbie could complete more than one task in a given day, she would have made the turnovers, made the frosting, eaten lunch, and a dozen other things and still would have delivered the frosting on-time and the pre-brain cancer Debbie wouldn't have walked out of the house without it and even if she did, she wouldn't have fallen apart over the mistake, she would have just moved more quickly and gotten the job done. I was suddenly hating myself. I ws totally frustrated and angry at myself. How could this be happening to me. How could this tiny baking disaster that started out on a whim turn me into such a mess! When I walked back into my house, I threw myself in a chair and tried to calm myself down. I still had a lot of mess to clean up and I still had not eaten lunch. And on top of everything else, I had two messed up turnovers and an ugly attempt at an apple tart sitting on my counter cooling and all they did was make me sad. Just as I was about to break down and cry and/or scream, I realized that my house smelled wonderful. The aromas of warm apple and cinnamon and nutmeg drifted through the air. The day was chilly, but my kitchen was still warm from the oven and that smell was just mouth-watering. It was then that I started to calm down and put things in perspective. It was that smell that made me realize that even the post-brain cancer Debbie was a pretty lucky woman. Just to be alive and standing in the kitchen and able to bake - even if it was a bit of a disaster. Able to walk and drive and function, even though I have some limitations. Able and alive! What did I have to be frustrated or angry or upset about. I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and gratitude. Thoughts of all of those friends and neighbors and family members that were not as fortunate as I - who are not able to have a baking disaster; who are not here to smell the wonderful aroma of an apple turnover and tart baking in the kitchen or feel the warmth of the oven on a chilly day. I thought of how very fortunate I am to be able to do a favor for my sister - it was not that long ago that she would not even have thought of asking me to do anything for her, even something as simple as making buttercream frosting. It was not that long ago that I was not able to drive myself anywhere or even have the energy to get in and out of the house. I was suddenly sitting in my kitchen, basking in the warmth from the oven and the delicious aromas coming from my apple concoctions, and I was smiling. I realized that I have been too caught up in who and what I used to be and I had forgotten to be thankful for who and what I am now. The turnovers and tart have been eaten, the kitchen is again chilly and I can't even smell a hint of cinnamon or apples in the house, but the memory of my baking disater and the realization of my many blessings will linger deep in my soul for a long time. I know that just being here in this moment is a blessing and I am grateful for all of my post-brain cancer days - the good ones and the not-so-good ones. I have been truly blessed and sometimes I just need a little nudge to help me remember that.