Good Things

I thought that I would reflect on a couple of good things that have been going on and/or happening in or around my life. They are in no sort of order - sort of rambling thoughts, but here goes:

Today, I met a friend in Little Italy for lunch. I had forgotten just how good Chipparelli's salad could be! There was a nice crowd and happy atmosphere - most people were festive and in the holiday spirit. My ravioli were delicious and the home made bread was crusty on the outside and soft on the inside - just the way it should be. A good meal and good conversation. Well worth the effort of getting downtown!

I was given an early Christmas present of tickets to see The Lion King at the Hippodrome. I took Hannah and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. I have always like the musical and this production lived up to my expectations - good singing, good dancing and the puppetry was wonderful. It was nice to spend the one-on-one time with Hannah. She is growing up so quickly. She loved the animals - especially the giraffes "on stilts" and the hyenas. She also loved that our seats were in the front row of the balcony and that we were able to go into the private Lexus lounge during intermission. It was a great night and hopefully, a memory that Hannah will always cherish.

I had a really good day yesterday - it really put me in the Christmas spirit (even if the temperatures around her are in the 50's!). Early in the day, my dad, Bonnie and I met at St. Michael's to see Hannah play a lamb in the story of the birth of Jesus. It was just a bunch of school kids, but hearing the story and singing the Christmas hymns really made it feel like the holidays. Afterwards, Bonnie, Hannah and I had a quiet lunch at Friday's and then went to take cookies to Joyce and Brian's house. Joyce's house is so warm and inviting, we just chilled and chatted. Her grandbaby, Hunter, was there and we all enjoyed visiting with him - such a beautiful and happy baby. The house was decorated beautifullyand the Christmas tree was perfect. We munched on some delicious cookies - Joyce made Red Velvet Cookies with Cream Cheece Ising - I had never heard of them, nor had them before, but they were really good. Bonnie and I had planned to do so many things that day, but what we did was the best - we visited with Joyce and Brian and Hunter and each other. We relaxed and enjoyed the company and conversation. It really was a great way to spend the day. I realized something important today, sometimes you just have to stop and enjoy the moment and the company of others - that really is what the holidays are supposed to be about!

Another Glitch In The Road To Recovery

I have had a lot of stuff on my mind lately and have almost blogged a bunch of times, but I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts onto the computer. Not sure why, maybe for good reasons - been sort of busy living my life. Yes, that is a good reason. Not that my life has been all that interesting, but I have been living it! I am living in my own house and I am finally done with physical therapy (for now that is) and I am trying to regain some sort of normalcy and routine.

For the most part, I am doing very well. Still no signs of cancer. Yeah - I smile every time I think of it. I have come a long way since October, 2009. A long, long way! The hips have healed fairly well - I still have a lot of groin pain in the left leg/hip, but I am walking and going up and down stairs (although slowly), so I really can't complain. The orthopedic surgeon thinks that the groin pain is "normal" and that my body is still getting used to the foreign object - namely the fake hip. I'm not sure if I believe or trust his judgment on this one, but for now, I am giving it more time and trying not to complain about the pain too much.

Other good things that have been going on - some personal successes - I walked in the Race for the Cure in October - I only walked one mile, but I was pleased with myself for participating. I only went on a bus trip to New York City. That was a great accomplishment - something that I have wanted to do for a long time and was not sure if I had the strength and stamina for New York, but I did just fine. Of course, I had to take things a bit slower and I did run out of energy more quickly, but it didn't stop me and I was able to keep up with my friends. I saw a Broadway play - another accomplishment - I have been wanting to see a Broadway play since before I got sick. The best part about the trip is that I felt like I was doing something "normal" - something that I would have done in my pre-brain cancer life. It was a great feeling. I had a wonderful time and it made me long to go back. I can't wait to go to NYC again.

As for the shoulders, well, they are what is giving me sleepless nights these days! The 8 weeks of physical therapy really helped with getting me some more range of motion and strength - I can now pick up a full coffee cup with one hand! But, the pain is still there and sometimes it is pretty intense - especially when I sleep. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, my arms (usually the right one, but sometimes the left one as well) are completely locked and each movement is jarring pain. Once I get them moving, the pain eases up, but those first few minutes are not at all pleasant. The good news on the shoulders is that the joint bones have not had any "significant deterioration" since the last x-rays and those were more than two months ago - so that is good. The bad news is that the problem will only get worse and that I need to have the surgery, it is the when to have it that is the problem. The orthopedic surgeon is leaving the timing up to me - his feeling is that I will know when the pain is too much to handle. The bigger problem is me - I don't want to have the surgery - not now, not next month and really not ever. I guess that is the glitch! I hate it when I really don't have any options. This whole illness (or series of illnesses, has been that way. I never seem to have any options - well, I guess I do have options - I can fight each issue or I can just stop fighting them. For the most part, I know that I will take the practical route and have the surgery sooner than later - it really will be best. The more I put it off, the worse my shoulders will get and the more I will dread it!

On that note, I am going to bed. I will think about the surgery more tomorrow. I promise to blog about something interesting or fun next time. I have had a lot of interesting stuff swimming through my head - I just need to jot them down.

Baking Disaster/Realization of Blessings

Yesterday started off well, I woke up early and without much pain. Mornings are rough, my left hip and groin are still bothering me and rolling in bed is rough on my necrotic shoulders. Even with the first chill in the air, I still felt better than usual at that time of the morning. I only had one task that was important to complete and no appointments. So things were looking good - all the physical therapy appointments are beginning to wear on me. I had planned to bake an apple cake and had bought the ingredients the day before. My sister called and told me that I didn't need to bake a cake - Megan had decided that she wanted to bake her own cake - she was going to try to make it look like a 3-D monster truck. My sister asked, that if I didn't mind, would I make the buttercream frosting, that way, Megan could focus on the cake. I didn't mind, I had already bought the ingredients for the icing and buttercream frosting is fairly simple and I have a stand up mixer, so it would not be hard on my shoulders. So, my only time-sensitive task of the day was to make some buttercream frosting and deliver it to my sister by 3:00 pm and it was still before 9:00 am. On a whim, since I didn't have a cake to bake and I had plenty of time on my hands, I decided to make some apple turnovers with the apples that I had bought for the cake - I had actually purchased some pre-made pastry crust because it was on sale, so the turnovers should be a fairly simple task. Well, as I cored and peeled and cut up the apples I realized that it was more work than I had remembered and I was beginning to feel tired. All that "arm work" was beginning to bother my shoulders and all the standing was taking a toll on my hips. Then I realized that I had spent far more time than I would have thought doing this first part of the turnover process. It was almost lunch time! Well, my mind began to race, I knew that I still needed to make the icing, but I still had plenty of time. Next I wound up fighting with the pastry dough. First it wouldn't come out of the wrapping and then it kept tearing as I tried to fill the turnovers with the apples. I had only gotten two turnovers completed when I was ready to break down and cry. The turnovers were a mess - lots of tears and apples spilling out everywhere. They were the strangest shapes and looked as if they would burst before I even got them in the oven. At that point, I realized that I was not even half-way done, I still had a bowl of chopped and spiced apples, that cost me a fortune and I didn't want to go to waste, I had not eaten lunch yet and I still had not made the frosting. I started to panic and then the phone started to ring and I was getting totally frustrated. If I were not so frugal, I would have dumped everything in the trash and called it a day. I just couldn't bear to waste those beautiful and expensive apples that I had spent to much time coring and peeling and chopping. I finally got a grip on myself and realized that the turnovers were just not going to happen that day, and I used the last round of pastry crust and filled it with the remainder of the apple mixture and formed a sort of "free-form" tart in a pie plate. I popped the two totally disheveled turnovers and the tart into the oven and started cleaning up all the mess that I had made. It seemed as if I had used every bowl and spoon and knife in my entire kitchen. The clock was now against me and I still had not eaten lunch, nor had I made the frosting! I stopped the cleaning up and made the frosting. I put it in the refridgerator and went back to the dishes and clean-up. I got the messy turnovers and tart out of the oven, I changed clothes and gathered some stuff and went to the car and drove to my sister's and went in and realized that I had all sorts of "stuff", but I didn't have any buttercream frosting - it was still at home in the fridge! I almost sat down and cried. I culd barely talk to my sister. She offered to go to my house and pick it up, but I felt that I needed to complete the one and only task that I had set out to do that day. I got back in the car and drove back to my house, the whole time chastising myself, and then I got caught up in school bus traffic and was even more angry at myself for not realizing that it was that time of the day. I finally delivered the frosting to my sister and got back into my car - if there were not so many people around, I think that I would have sat there and cried. I was so disappointed in myself. I used to be able to multi-task and problem solve - especially when it came to anything in the kitchen. The pre-brain cancer Debbie would have thrown out the first bad attempt at a turnover, made new pastry from scratch and prepared more turnovers. The pre-brain cancer Debbie could complete more than one task in a given day, she would have made the turnovers, made the frosting, eaten lunch, and a dozen other things and still would have delivered the frosting on-time and the pre-brain cancer Debbie wouldn't have walked out of the house without it and even if she did, she wouldn't have fallen apart over the mistake, she would have just moved more quickly and gotten the job done. I was suddenly hating myself. I ws totally frustrated and angry at myself. How could this be happening to me. How could this tiny baking disaster that started out on a whim turn me into such a mess! When I walked back into my house, I threw myself in a chair and tried to calm myself down. I still had a lot of mess to clean up and I still had not eaten lunch. And on top of everything else, I had two messed up turnovers and an ugly attempt at an apple tart sitting on my counter cooling and all they did was make me sad. Just as I was about to break down and cry and/or scream, I realized that my house smelled wonderful. The aromas of warm apple and cinnamon and nutmeg drifted through the air. The day was chilly, but my kitchen was still warm from the oven and that smell was just mouth-watering. It was then that I started to calm down and put things in perspective. It was that smell that made me realize that even the post-brain cancer Debbie was a pretty lucky woman. Just to be alive and standing in the kitchen and able to bake - even if it was a bit of a disaster. Able to walk and drive and function, even though I have some limitations. Able and alive! What did I have to be frustrated or angry or upset about. I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and gratitude. Thoughts of all of those friends and neighbors and family members that were not as fortunate as I - who are not able to have a baking disaster; who are not here to smell the wonderful aroma of an apple turnover and tart baking in the kitchen or feel the warmth of the oven on a chilly day. I thought of how very fortunate I am to be able to do a favor for my sister - it was not that long ago that she would not even have thought of asking me to do anything for her, even something as simple as making buttercream frosting. It was not that long ago that I was not able to drive myself anywhere or even have the energy to get in and out of the house. I was suddenly sitting in my kitchen, basking in the warmth from the oven and the delicious aromas coming from my apple concoctions, and I was smiling. I realized that I have been too caught up in who and what I used to be and I had forgotten to be thankful for who and what I am now. The turnovers and tart have been eaten, the kitchen is again chilly and I can't even smell a hint of cinnamon or apples in the house, but the memory of my baking disater and the realization of my many blessings will linger deep in my soul for a long time. I know that just being here in this moment is a blessing and I am grateful for all of my post-brain cancer days - the good ones and the not-so-good ones. I have been truly blessed and sometimes I just need a little nudge to help me remember that.

Summer 2011 - Summer Camp

I was shocked to see the date this morning - how can it be the end of August? Where did the summer go? I had so many plans for this summer and not many of them have happened. So as not to dwell on what I didn't do, I thought about all the things that I did do. One group of events stick in my mind the most. Hannah (my 11 year old niece) has spent a lot of time with me this summer. I have sort of been a "captive" audience. Since having yet another surgery, I have not been out and about much this summer. So, Hannah has come to visit and sleepover a lot at my parent's house while I have been there recovering. Hannah is a joyful child and full of energy. There is never an idle moment with Hannah around. Immediately after surgery, when I couldn't do much, we would read together or play games or watch tv. I can only take so much of the Disney Channel shows - all that screaming, but Hannah also loves some other stuff. She loves to sing the phone numbers from the commercials - the Stanley Steamer and Next Day Floors phone numbers are two of her favorites. She also likes to make fun of some of the actors and/or shows that come on - mimicing them or calling them names. If we see a commercial for "The Closer", she screams "the turtle is on". Hannah thinks that Kyra Sedgewick looks like a turtle! She watches the classis western station with my father and now can sing ot hum the theme songs from "The Virginian", "Wagon Train" and "Gunsmoke". She knows all about Oprah's last season and a lot about Dr. Oz as well. Mom always had control of the television between 2 and 3 and then again from 4 to 5. Now that Oprah is over, Hannah loves "Walker, Texas Ranger". Two episodes come on most days! We don't only watch television. Sometimes we watch movies - some recent movie nights were "Sweet Home Alabama" and the "Big Momma" shows. Hannah loves the really stupid comedies and laughs and laughs. When I was able to go out between surgeries and recoveries, Hannah and I went to the theatre to see a couple of movies. We saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" and just recently, we saw the final Harry Potter movie. We saw "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2" in IMAX and 3-D. It was rather expensive, but we both loved it.

We have also done some more normal activities - she has helped me go to the grocery store or Target - I still can't bend, so she can reach for stuff on the low shelves. Sometimes we cook or bake together. We recently made a cheese cake - most of which Hannah ate! She likes to cook and bake to a certain degree - she only likes to help with the "fun" parts and then wants to move on to other things and leave me alone with the drudgery parts - like cleaning up afterwards! We made a Quiche Lorraine the other day and she was really disappointed because she thought that all pies were dessert and she couldn't believe that I would make a pie that wasn't sweet. I think that she liked the quiche, but she just couldn't admit it. She really likes when we make things that she loves - like pudding.

We have also read together and I tell her bed time stories (which I am required to make up and she usually falls asleep midway through them). We spent a couple of days working on an art project - we made an pond with lily pads and water lilies and a frog out of origami. Hannah made the origami frog all by herself (well, with the help of a you-tube video). It was really very well done. Hannah loves a challenge and has become obsessed with playing the card game solitaire - she gets so frustrated when she loses. Sometimes her and my dad play on opposite side of the table to see who does the best.

When Hannah spends the night, she sleeps in my room at my parent's house. It is a small room with only a twin bed and a chair. I sleep in the bed and Hannah makes a bed of soft blankets and comforters on the floor beside my bed. When I was using the walker, crutches, and cane, Hannah would always say before going to bed, "Aunt Debbie, don't step on me during the night, I don't want to waked up squashed!" I did always worry about that - I was rather unstable on my feet and I would always have to get up two or three times during the night - sometimes to go to the bathroom and sometimes to move into the chair when the bed or my sleeping position became too painful. Each morning, I tease her that I didn't squash her during the night - it has become a running joke.

I have to admit - I have really enjoyed this time that I have had to spend with Hannah. I don't have children of my own, and although I have always taken time to spend with all of the nieces and nephews, I have never spent as much summer time and un-scheduled time with any of the other ones. I have vacationed with my sister's family before and gone away for weekends, etc., but this has been different. I hope that someday when Hannah is old, she will look back with fondness on the summer of 2011 - when she and Aunt Debbie had summer camp for two!

ELVIS - 8/16/1977 gone but not forgotten

I was listening to the radio on the way over to my house earlier today and I heard an Elvis song, "Burning Love". After the song ended, the DJ mentioned that another Elvis song would be played shortly. The station was doing a tribute weekend in honor of the anniversary of Elvis' death. Even now, if asked, I could tell you that Elvis died on August 16, 1977. Yes, I am one of those people that still remembers exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. I remember being in total disbelief.

In August of 1977, I was on summer break from high school. I am sure that I spent part of the summer contemplating what it was going to be like to be a high school senior when school started in early September. Elvis was probably not a huge focus of mine at that time of my life, but if asked, I still would have said that I loved him. That day, I was in the downstairs television room at my parent's house watching an afternoon movie. I loved old movies and whenever I got the chance, I would watch the one that came on in the afternoon. Our house didn't have central air conditioning and the tv room was partially underground, so it was the coolest place in the house. I don't remember what the movie was, but I do remember the phone ringing and at the same time, our next door neighbor, Mrs. Palma, was yelling over the fence. The phone was ringing and Mrs. Palma was yelling, "get Debbie, tell her to come quick - has she heard?" Mom grabbed the phone - it hung on the kitchen wall, the room next to the tv room. I got up from the sofa that was in front of the tv and went to the back yard to find out what Mrs. Palma was yelling about. I was sort of annoyed - I hate it when someone interrupts a movie! At almost the same time as I stepped through the door and into the yard, I could hear my mom on the phone saying "Oh, Lou, I can't believe that!". She sounded upset as she hung up the phone and then followed me out the door. Mrs. Palma taling fast, but the jist of what she was saying was "Did you hear - Elvis is dead!" I started to deny it. It couldn't be true. If Elvis were dead, I somehow would have known it the instant that it happened - I would have felt my heart break. But, my mom was repeating the same thing. Her brother had just called to tell her. After it all sort of sunk in, I walked back into the house to turn off the television so that I could walk across the alley to tell my friend Brenda. When I looked at the tv, here was a special report and a news person was talking about Elvis being found dead. I remember being in shock and disbelief and totally sad the rest of the week.

Elvis was a huge part of my early life. I loved Elvis for as long as I can remember. I loved the young Elvis, the singer Elvis, the actor Elvis, even the fat Elvis. I still have a few of my Elvis albums - even now, I can't bare to part with them - I don't listen to them anymore, but I can't discard something so important with that part of my young life. Eventhough in my heart, I knew that he was a terrible actor, I have probably seen every movie that he has ever starred in. And, if I happen to flip past a station playing one of them, I will most likely pause for a while and watch a part of it - just to see his smile and hear a song or two. My friend Brenda and I used to fight over which one of us would marry Elvis when we grew up! We would sing Elvis songs and play "meeting and marrying Elvis" in our back yards. Till this day, I do not like Priscilla Beaulieu Presley! I hated her when Elvis married her, I hated her more when she divorced Elvis and I hated her even more when she became a tv personality. Childhood hatreds die hard!

It is strange how that song and the DJ's reminder of the anniversary of Elvis' death brought all of those memories back to me. I had wanted desperately to see Elvis in concert and never did. I remember pleading with my father to let me watch the Elvis Concert via satelite from Hawaii when it was on. He was watching something else and finally he gave in and changed the channel so that I could watch Elvis in the white jumpsuit with the rhinestones.

I'll have to play a few of my favorite Elvis songs (I have the collection on CD now) later this week as a tribute and a memory of my first infatuation with a star. There were others back then (Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy) and a few in more recent history, but none of my infatuations, past or present, have ever rivaled my love of Elvis.

Update - 5 weeks since left hip replacement

Although I am totally sick and tired of physical therapy and being in "recovery", I am doing well. I graduated to walking with a cane this week. I can actually walk un-assisted, but I sort of wobble, so I don't want to get in that habit, so the cane it is. Aside from that, I am progressing. Still going to out-patient physical therapy twice a week - it is still grueling and painful. This time around, the pain has been more continuous. I am still having trouble sleeping. The minute I lie flat (which I have to for a few more weeks), the pain gets very intense and keeps me awake. It is very annoying! I have good strength in the operated leg when standing, but I have trouble with balance and stamina. I also can't raise that leg very high on it's own - I sort of have to pick it up to get in and out of a car. The physical therapist thinks that I am doing great - but he is not the one struggling and in pain! The other problem is that my arms/shoulders are really beginning to hurt again - if it is not one thing, it is another! The good news is that I am PROGRESSING - so that is all that matters for now.

Out of the Hospital and Recovering at my parent's house

Yeah - I was discharged from Franklin Square Hospital Center yesterday afternoon. I was a little apprehensive about leaving, but mostly very happy to get out of there. The time in the hospital was good - I think that the pain medicine cocktail really helped. I had some good visitors and great conversations - everything from "what is going on over the holiday weekend" to "what is important to you and your life". After getting home, I felt a little bit of pain and did have a rough night - bo sleep was happening on Franklin Square Drive last night. I woke up feeling well and stronger. The therapist visited early in the morning, so I completed the tough exercises and well before lunch. Mom made a nice lunch and then we relaxed. It is good to be home. Good to be recovering.

On another subject, I recently read the obituary of Nick Charles, a sports anchor for CNN. I remembered him from his days in the 70's on WJZ TV. He had lots of curly dark hair. Apparently Nick was battling cancer and was told that he didn't have long to live. When asked about his plans, he said that he had a "series of short-term goals that really sustain me". I liked that. I think that many of us, when asked what we would want if we were going to die, would think in terms of a "bucket list" and if asked what we wanted in our last days of life would think of grandiose trips and adventures. Anyone who has been ill for a while, and hasn't felt well and is maybe financially depleted, knows that sky diving and trips to India to visit the Taj Mahal or climbing Mt. Everest are really far fetched and most likely unobtainable dreams. I am not against "big dreams", but I am a more practical sort of person. The idea of "short-term goals" really impressed me. We are all able to wish for something and to accomplish something in the near future. It is a more practical and meaningful desire. Things like being able to celebrate the next birthday or be part of a special moment in a loved one's life. We can all think of something in the short term time frame that we would like to be a part of or experience - a sunset or sunrise; the sound of the waves crashing against the beach; the laughter of a good friend; s'mores eaten by the fire pit; a really exciting game of Pictionary; or a conversation about something meaningful. I think that since my most recent illness in 2009, I have lived a little more "one day at a time". I needed to live that way during the tough treatment schedule, just to get through the day and not to have my hopes dashed over and over again when I wasn't released from the hospital when I wanted to be or not to be well when I wanted to be or not to be able to attend some festivity when I really wanted to attend it. It is funny now that I can put all of that in perspective. I don't know when I will die - it could be tomorrow or in 40 years. What I do know is that life is a series of days and moments and that we can not rush through them to get to the next one. We have to live and relish each and every one of them - the good, bad and in-between. All those moments and days and years are full of the experiences that make up our lives. They are all part of our short term goals accomplished. And I hope and believe that those short term goals will sustain me.

Enjoying the last few minutes of life before surgery!

Heading to surgery for the left hip. Looks like a beautiful day. I took my anti-bacterial shower and I am packed and ready to go. Just wish that I could have a cup of coffee!!! Be in touch soon.

Off to Hip Surgery in the Morning - Left Hip this time!

Hello Followers:
I am very sorry that I have not posted in a while - I have been in denial about surgery again and also trying to cram as much stuff in prior to surgery and doing it all while not feeling quite so good. I really shouldn't complain - I am in a lot better shape than a lot of other people I know - and some of them don't even have major illnesses! :)
If you have been around me at all lately, you know that I am not happy to be having hip replacement surgery again. I have done by best not to think about it - I was not happy about it the first time and am even less happy this time around. Okay - I will stop all of my whining and leave you with some thoughts, comments, and general musings.

First, I would like to mention that lots of friends have called and sent cards and notes and met me for dinner and lunch and just had great conversations. A big thank you to all of you - it is great to have such a wonderful support network. I don't know how I would continue without all of the the love, friendship and support that has been bestowed upon me.

Second, I have been organizing things at my house - I have so many half-done projects going on. I can't seem to finish anything! Prior to getting sick in October of 2009, I was working on archiving some old black and white and childhood photographs and organizing them in chronological order. Well, needless to say, all that stuff is now in a dozen boxes in various stages of incompletness all over my basement. My immediate task was to just get all the photos and photo stuff all in one place. And, I did - sort of. It is not 100%, but it is fairly close. I now have four or five, nice see-through plastic bins, filled and labeled. So, I feel good that I actually accomplished something that I have been working on for a long time. In the process, I found some photographs that made me really think - some made me laugh and some made me cry and some just befuddled me - I had no clue who some of the people in the photographs are or what on earth was going on in some of them! I will have plenty of stories about some of my findings after I return from surgery and have a bit more time to gather my thoughts.

Also, a good friend took me to dinner at P.F. Changs the other night - yummy dinner and great conversation. Nice to be out and about, especially knowing that I won't be out and about much for a while after tomorrow. Anyway, I brought along a couple of photos from my scavenger hunt and we laughed and reminisced and had a good time. Wow - I had some big hair in the 90's! After dinner, the waitress brought the check and fortune cookies and my fortune cookie contained the following fortune, "Look forward to great fortune and a new lease on life!". So - is that appropriate or what????

There have been a couple of other luncheons and dinners and great conversations these past few weeks, but I will have to save some of the stories for another time. I will leave with this though, as I was packing my suitcase to go to the hospital, I was feeling a bit down. I just don't want to have another surgery and be in therapy again. And, in the background, I could hear, Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" playing on the radio and it really gave me a boost and cheered me up. Oddly enough, the next song was "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens. Needless to say, I have now turned the radio off - I have felt like a moon shadow has been following me for a long time now and don't need any reminders!

Don't worry - "I Will Survive" is the song that is still playing in my head. I'll be in touch real soon!

PRAYER SHAWL BLESSING CEREMONY

I believe that I mentioned in this Blog before the prayer shawl that was given to me from the Pastoral Care Team at Franklin Square Hospital Center during one of my many stays at the hospital for in-patient chemotherapy, etc. The prayer shawl was given to me at a very difficult time in my recovery and it was very meaningful to me, but I didn't know a lot about the prayer shawl ministry and volunteers until today. Rev. Cherie Smith called last week to invite me to speak as a "prayer shawl receiver" at the 6th Annual Prayer Shawl Ministry Blessing and Celebration that was held today at the hospital. She explained to me that there were approximately 100 women (and one or two men) who knitted and/or crocheted prayer shawls and donated them to the pastoral care staff to distribute to those in need of healing at the hospital. The event was a small thank you to the volunteers and she expected about 50 people to attend. Most of the attendees were the actual makers of the prayer shawls, but there were some others from the pastoral care team there, as well as a couple of Pastors and Ministers from the community. Apparently, some of the shawl makers are nurses and others that are associated with the hospital, but many of them are from community churches and senior centers or just talented people who have been touched by tragedy and use their talent to give back to the community. Over 3,000 shawls have been distributed to the Franklin Square Hospital Community since the beginning of the prayer shawl ministry. The shawls are made and delivered to the pastoral care team and usually distributed by pastoral care, so most of the volunteers never know where their shawls go or to whom. Rev. Cherie wanted me to speak about the shawl that was given to me so that the volunteers would have a deeper uderstanding of it's physical and spiritual importance to a recipient. I was honored to share my story, but I was more honored to hear from the various volunteers and how meaningful their work is to them. The stories were truly inspirational and so were the volunteers. Most of them pray for the receiver of the shawl as they make it - yes, they pray for a person that they do not know and that may not even be ill yet! One of the volunteers told me that she had crocheted 100 shawls herself. She liked to use bold colors to keep her interest and make the needlework go faster. Another volunteer said that she listened to a tape of the rosary being prayed in her parish as she knitted - that way, extra prayers went into each stitch. Some women made them in their spare time and others made them as part of prayer groups or knitting clubs. One of the women offered to teach me how to make one, but I would have to join the class as the Senior Center and pay the admittance fee - I'm not sure if I am eligible to join the Senior Center or not, but I may just check it out! :) It was a delightful day - there was so much positive energy in the room. What an incredible group of people and very special ministry.

Special Moment Between Strangers

I had a doctor's appointment at Mercy Hospital today - inconveniently, right in the middle of the day. I made some lunch plans since I would be downtown, but the morning was rainy and dreary, so I cancelled the lunch plans and had to force myself to drive to the appointment. I did not want to go and I did not want to be at Mercy. Just walking through the doors can sometimes bring back a flood of bad memories - the first cancer, the first chemotherapy, the weight loss, the needles, the being sick, etc. etc. I know, lots of positive things happened and I did recover, but it is hard to forget all the bad stuff.

So, I navigate downtown traffic in the rain and then navigate the parking garage, which is a nightmare on a good day. The walk from the parking garage through the hospital and to the doctor's office was longer than I remembered and I was feeling kind of exhausted by the time I arrived. Well, I walked in the door and the waiting room was absolutely packed - not a good sign. While signing in, I noticed that there were a lot of other patient's files and paperwork on the receptionist's desk, so things did not appear to be moving quickly. While registering, I realized that I had not seen this doctor since before the second cancer and then it all came flooding back. I had an appointment with her the week that I had the brain surgery and had called her office from my hospital bed to cancel the appointment. They called me and sent me a letter, but since this was just an annual check-up kind of appointment, I did not go out of my way to follow up and now it had been over two years since m last visit. I had to fill out all the "new" cancer information on the forms and wrote "cns lymphoma" under the current health section on the forms and had to briefly describe all the new treatments, surgeries and medications - there was not enough room on the form and I had to use the back of one of the pages. As I paid the co-pay I could see the receptionist flipping through the form with a big frown on her face as she attached it to my file. As I waited my turn, I began to get sort of angry. I didn't want to be there and I didn't want to wait. I didn't like the frown on the receptionist's face and I didn't like her attitude when I asked if the doctor was running "on-time". About 10 minutes after my appointment time, I was called back to the examining room. At this point I was a little bit annoyed and couldn't wait to get the exam over with and get out of there. Well, the assistant who took me to the examining room was very pleasant and had a big bright smile. She flipped through my paperwork and suddenly her smile faded. She said, "wow - you sure have been through a lot since the last time you were here". She said it with such concern, that I immediately made light of it and joked - "yeah - you wouldn't think that having a check-up would make me nervous - not after all the other stuff I've been through". Then she asked if I still had the CNS Lymphoma or if it was gone. I thought that it was an odd question, but I didn't mind answering. I said that yes, as far as I was concerned it was gone. I continued to tell her that I was having some bone issues an had just had replacement hip surgery, but that was a side effect and not the cancer itself. She proceeded to tell me that her 24 year old brother had CNS Lymphoma and that I was the only other person that she had ever met with it. She asked if I minded and then proceeded to ask me the usual questions - how did you discover it; what were your symptoms; how were you treated, etc. I gave the short version of the headache and peripheral vision loss and then the brain surgery and high dose methotrexate chemotherapy treatments. She interrupted briefly to say that her brother had some in-patient chemotherapy as well and that he even had the kind that they "poured right into a catheter in his head". She asked if I had that and I said no, I was lucky to not need that kind, but that I had heard that it was one of the available treatments. I tried to wind down the conversation with saying that I had spent almost a year in treatment and that I recently had the hip surgery that was a result of the steroids. She said that I looked wonderful and she could not believe how well that I looked and appeared to be doing. I was about to complain about the other hip needing surgery when her eyes started to tear up. It took a minute, but it dawned on me then that her brother had lost his battle with CNS Lymphoma. So I gently asked about him and she told me that he had fought hard, but that he didn't make it and that I was the first person that she had ever met that had it and lived. She was now crying and I was welling up and she took a yellow "Live Strong" bracelet off of her wrist and handed it to me. She said, "please take this, it would mean a lot to me". I didn't want to take it, but couldn't refuse her. As I was putting on the bracelet, she told me that she would say some extra prayers for me - the joyful kind of prayers because she knew that I would be well. I thanked her and just then, remembered that for some reason, I am not sure why, before I left the house for the appointment, I made an origami crane and that it was in my purse. So, I grabbed my purse and said, please take this crane, I made it myself and it would make me happy for you to have it. Just then, the doctor walked in the room and said, "why haven't you changed into a gown yet?" She stood there for a second and then seemed to realize that something was going on of a personal nature, so she left the room and said that she would be back in a few minutes and I'll give "the two of you" time to be ready. Well, it was weird, until the doctor had walked into that room, I had totally forgotten why I was there or what kind of day I was having. I had totally forgotten "me" at all. Anyway, my new friend, I don't even know her name, walked out of the room and thanked me for the crane and reminded me that she would be praying for me.

I finally put the gown on and had the examination and almost ran from the doctor's office afterwards - I needed to get out of there. As I was walking towards the parking garage and digging for my keys, I noticed the bracelet on my wrist. I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew then that there was a purpose in me being at Mercy today and I changed directions and walked to the Chapel. The Chapel is in the old part of the hopsital and I was in the new part, so I knew that it would be a long walk, but I just knew that I needed to go there. The Chapel at Mercy has been a place of refuge for me in the past. It has also been a place of great comfort. I stopped there and spent a few minutes reflecting on the personal encounter that I had just been a part of. I also thought of the incredible journey my life has been and continues to be. I thought how each of us has a story to tell and each of us has our own journey and how strange it is when two strangers can share a common bond for a few moments and that bond can be so meaningful. Even if just for a few moments.

Before leaving the Chapel, I said a prayer for the doctor's assistant and her brother who was not as fortunate as I. I said a prayer for another friend who is struggling with cancer and was recently being treated at Mercy. And then, I thanked God for allowing me to realize my good fortune and allowing me to continue on my journey.

When I finally arrived at my car in the garage, I looked at my watch. I was shocked to see that so little time had passed, but at the same time, I realized that so much had taken place in that short amount of time.

Sometimes, even the dreary days can be glorious.

A Special Thank You

I am not certain how many people still follow my Blog, but for those that do, thank you. I had hoped to shut it down long ago - as soon as I recovered from the brain surgery; and then again, as soon as I recovered from the bacterial infection and coma; and then again as soon as I recovered from all the chemotherapy treatments; and then again, as soon as I recovered from the side effects of the chemotherapy treatments; and as soon as I got my driver's license back; and again, as soon as I was recovered from the hip surgery ...
The "as soon as" can go on and on. As with my recovery - it just keeps going on and on. I sort of consider myself "a work in progress" on this road to recovery. I guess that each of us is "a work in progress" for many things. I guess that sometimes I forget that everyone's life is full of little blips, and big blips, and roads to recovery for various things, as well as illnesses. We are all "works in progress". I guess that I just sometimes forget that. My focus has been so "focused on me" that I have sometimes lost site of the bigger picture. I am just one tiny part of a giant world. It makes me think of the book "A Wrinkle In Time". I will have to go back and re-read it. But the basic story line is about how something so small can affect so much - how one abnormality can cause total catastrophe for many. My illness is much like that. It does not only affect me, but it affects my family and friends and co-workers and doctors and therapists and friends of friends and on and on. As does everyone's life.
The reason that I am thinking about these things is that a realization hit me today. I thought to myself that people must be really tired of me being sick and asking about me and my various illnesses. I feel as if I have been the focus of so many thoughts and prayers for so long, that people must be getting sick and tired of even hearing my name. The odd thing is that just as I was thinking about myself, I thought of a friend of mine that has been struggling with cancer and it's many trials and tribulations for much longer than I have. That person's family and friends and co-workers must have the same "sickness fatigue" that my family and friends and co-workers must have. It is totally understandable.
After thinking about it for a while, I also came to the realization of just how fortunate I am. So many people - so many friends and family and co-workers and friends of friends and medical professionals have made me a part of their thoughts and prayers on a regular basis for a very long time. And they continue to do so! It is really amazing if you think about the connections that each of us has to each other (Sort of like the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" thing. It is truly amazing that with all the things that people have to do each day and all the different people that they are connected to in so many ways, that so many people still take the time and effort to check on me and ask about me and think about me and pray for me. WOW! Just thinking about it makes me shiver a little.
So, a very special thank you for all the people in the universe who are somehow connected to me and my continuing road to recovery. A special thank you to all of those that somehow fit into the "six degrees of Debbie Sullivan". A special thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and communications - no matter how big or small. It is truly an honor to know that I am connected to so many people, even in a very small way. The universe seems just a little bit smaller to me tonight. Thank you.

Nuggets at 3:33 a.m.

I don't remember who used the phrase "nuggets" to refer to bits of memories that come back to you, but I always thought that it was a great word.

Well, I woke up at exactly 3:33 a.m. the other night from some sort of nightmare. It seemed so real. The only thing that I remember from the nightmare was that there were people out in the cold winter weather and it was freezing out and I could not do anything to help them. The weird thing is that when I woke up, I was freezing - I always seem to be cold these days.

Anyway, after the nightmare, I couldn't get back to sleep, so I sat up in the chair and listened to some Show Tunes on my IPod. That is when the nuggets started. I kept thinking of bits and pieces of unconnected things and memories from the last few years. Some were happy and some were not so happy and some were just strange. I thought of the cool goody basket that was sent to me when I had the brain surgery - I still use the mail box that it came in to keep my current bills in. I also thought of a long ago friend that called me out of the blue and I had not remembered to return the phone call. I thought of some of the really nice nurses that have taken care of me and shared personal stories of their lives with me - it is odd how sometimes a total stranger's story can have so much impact in a time of discomfort. I also tried to rememeber the name of a particulary "mean" nurse who I did not like much, but I could not remember her name - maybe it is true that the bad stuff is more easily forotten. I thought of the plants at my house that have long since died, since I did not get there enough to keep them watered (or remember to have someone else water them for me). I also thought of the potted snake plants in my spare bedroom that are still alive and are thriving, eventhough they have only received water in rare moments. I thought of the now dormant rose garden that I planted at my house, but never really completed - I wonder if they will come back this year - I was not very attentive to them since planing them in the Spring. I thought about all the funerals and viewings that I missed due to my illness - at least four of my friends lost a parent while I was ill. I thought of events that I was not able to attend, but really wanted to and I also thought of events that I was fortunate enough to be able to attend. That had me thinking of all the things that I dragged my sister to last year, because I needed a driver! I thought about people who had traveled far to visit me during various stages of my illness and all the lunches and dinners and meals that friends and family have bought and/or prepared for me. Some friends recently brought me a carry-out crabcake sandwich - oh it was so big and yummy! I also thought of all the cards and letters and emails that people have taken time to send my way - so many little things that make the days go by faster and made me smile for a little bit. So many "simple pleasures". These nuggets of memory lasted until around 5:30 a.m. when I finally turned off the music and layed back in bed and fell into a deep sleep. I was surprised at how much I remembered the next day when I woke up. I think that sometimes we forget how many "nuggets" make up our days and weeks and lives. It was good to reflect on a few of them.

Update on Recovery from Hip Surgery

I saw the surgeon today. He x-rayed the new hip and I saw the prosthesis on the x-ray. There were two giant screws going from the prosthesis into my pelvic bone (I think the pelvis is connected to the hip - I can't seem to remember the song). Kind of weird knowing that the artificial replacement part and some big screws are inside of my body! He did not use any cement to insert the prosthesis - apparently that is a good thing. The surgeon was very pleased with his work and my recovery so far. My recovery is right on track and his only comment is that I need to wean completely off of walking with any support (crutches and/or walker) shortly. He feels that the operated leg is now strong enough to be completely weight bearing and with a little more physical therapy, I should be walking just fine. Oh - one thing of concern - he does not recommend that I do the hokey pokey anytime soon! I must still adhere to the "hip restrictions" (pillow while sleeping and 90 degree sitting position and not bending, twisting, etc.), but can move about a bit more freely. No driving though (boo hoo - I paid so much to get my license back and still can't drive!). I will now graduate to out-patient physical therapy starting next week. Out-patient physical therapy is a good thing because my mom totally dislikes the home physical therapist and complains about her for hours after she leaves the house, but not a good thing because I will be back to paying all those $30.00 co-pays each week! Just can't win with all this health care stuff!

As for the other hip - the surgeon will monitor it over the next few months and make a determination about any surgery and/or treatments at a later date. Good thing - because the pain and inconvenience of this surgery is still too fresh in my mind to even contemplate doing it all over again!!! :)

Thanks to everyone for all of their support during this recovery!

Weird Sense of Deja Vu

There is snow on the ground, I am freezing, using a walker, not sleeping well, partially immobile and recovering again. I feel like I have done this all before! Yes, weird sense of Deja Vu. The first week after the surgery were very painful and restrictive, but things are getting better now. It is still totally uncomfortable to sleep and difficult to get in and out of bed, but I am moving about more and the pain is manageable. I think that this recovery is more of a mental strain than physical at this point. I just got back to leading a more independent life and now I am totally dependent again. Yuck! I do know that this time it is just "recovery" from surgery, I am not "sick". So, all things considered, I am in a much better place than the last time that I was learning to walk again. I know that I am very fortunate and I know that I have the strength and determination to recover from the hip replacement surgery. Soon, I truly will be well and hopefully m life will move forward. Soon.

HIP SURGERY ON MONDAY

What a way to start the week, total hip replacement! I am not happy about it, but I guess that I am prepared. The good part is that I will be the first surgery of the day - that way I'll get the surgery part over with fast. The bad part is that the physical therapy can be grueling and it will tie me down for about six weeks. Sort of unfair, I was finally getting some freedom and driving again and also staying at my own house. Now, all that will stop again. Oh well, not much that I can do about it, but work on my recovery and heal as fast as I can. Just one more obstacle to overcome.

Oncologist Visit and Ugly Doll

I saw my oncologist this week - just a follow-up. She is very pleased with my recovery (I guess that the brain issues and hip issues and upcoming surgery are not very important to an oncologist). Okay, sorry, I know that I am being negative. I have lots and lots to be thankful for and with all that I went through, I am lucky to be alive and doing as well as I am! I know and understand that. I also try very hard to celebrate all the good things in my life, but sometimes being told that I am "fortunate", just gets old and annoying!

Anyway, I digress. My office visit went well and all my blood work was good and I have now "graduated" to only seeing her every three months. I will also have a brain CT scan in March - after the hip surgery, I can no longer have MRI's. So, lots of good news. I gave Dr. Rao a little present - it was a clip on Ugly Doll. Ugly Doll's have sort of been my "thing" since the whole cancer stuff. I'm not exactly sure when I said it or to whom, but at some point, I was feeling low and my hair was falling out and skin peeling and I said "I feel like an ugly doll". The reply was "well, Ugly Dolls are adorable". So, to me, Ugly Dolls have been a symbol of recovery - yes, I might have felt "ugly", but I really was "adorable". I have given Ugly Dolls to some co-workers, family members (Hannah loves them), some favorite nurses and a few friends throughout this cancer ordeal. I would have liked to buy an Ugly Doll for everyone in my life, but then I would need to have gotten back to work and be making some overtime for that! Dr. Rao is not normally a very demonstrative person - she is very business-like and matter-of-fact. I was surprised to see her almost (almost) tear-up when I gave her the little Ugly Doll. She said that she was going to put it on her purse. While I was checking out and making my next appointments (Not until March - yeah!), I heard her telling her staff about the Ugly Doll and how cute it was! Made me feel good. It was a good day all around. I'm not bragging - but for now, I am one-up on cancer!

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals is Happiness"

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals Is Happiness" - I read that quote by Deepak Chopra in today's newspaper. There was a short interview with Chopra, a self-help guru, regarding New Year's resolutions. It is funny, but I have not really thought about any resolutions this year - one would think that I would have had a lot of them after the year that I had (or more like year and a half!). I know who Chopra is, but don't think that I have ever really read any of his works or heard him speak or anything, but what he said in the interview intrigued me greatly. He said that "what people most want is happiness". He referenced research on happiness and said that it shows the following things: "Happy people always look for opportunities where others are seeing crisis. Happy people have meaning and purpose in their lives. Happy poople are creative, and happy people know how to make other people happy. They're very good at building relationships, not networking but building authentic relationships." I am going to ponder that for a while, but I guess that I now know what my New Year's Resolution is - to be happy. I am just not sure what exactly I need to do to achieve happiness, but I will work on it! If I figure out the answer, I will let you know, but for now, I will at least seek the answer.