FOUR YEARS!!!

For the last few days, I kept thinking that I was forgetting something important, but just wasn't certain what it was.  October is always a busy month and this one seems to be flying by already.  Although still recovering from left shoulder replacement surgery, I am feeling fairly well and have been keeping very busy.  Earlier today, I had dinner with my parents, my sister and two of her children.  After getting home, I baked some ribbon shaped cookies and decorated them in pink to give to a friend that is a breast cancer survivor.  As I was heading to bed, something was nagging me, but I wasn't sure what.  I looked at my calendar to see if I had missed something and all of a sudden, it dawned on me - this is the week - four years ago - that I went to the ER and found out that I had CNS Lymphoma.  FOUR YEARS AGO!  Part of me feels as if it happened yesterday and part of me feels as if it is some distant memory, as if in a bad dream.  I think that I would have realized what week it was over the weekend, if Bonnie and I had gone to the Catoctin Colorfest.  We didn't go because the weather was so rainy and we were sure that it would be very muddy.  Bonnie and I were at the Catoctin Colorfest in October, 2009 - we had a good day, but Bonnie kept mentioning that I was running into people.  When we got home, I fell getting out of the car, but we laughed it off - just Debbie being clumsy.  Little did we know.  When I look back at those next few days, I can see the signs - the extreme headaches that didn't go away  being totally agitated and short tempered.  I was extremely busy at work and had a huge deadline looming, so I just didn't see the warning signs.  I blamed it on too little sleep.  There were real signs my last day in the office.  I was livid with the commute when I walked into the office.  The car next to me was edging towards me and I almost hit a curb trying to avoid it.  I remember complaining about it when I got into the office.  The headache just wouldn't go away, but I had work to do and kept doing it.  Late in the afternoon, schooners were sighted in the Harbor.  I went to Kevin's office to look out the window at them.  Right then I decided that I needed a closer look and went outside and walked over to the Harbor.  While watching the schooners, I sent a text message to my friend who worked near there to see if he had seen the schooners  I also took some photos on my cell phone and sent them to my nephew.  I then walked back to my office, crossing major roads, navigating security doors and elevators and went back to my office to work some more.  I have recounted the "rest of the story" so many times that I don't want to repeat it here.  After various events, I wound up in the ER at Franklin Square Hospital.  I thought that I had a vision problem, but instead, I had a brain tumor.  In retrospect, that day was probably one of the worst days of my life.  A lot has happened in the the last four years.  I have lived through some horrible experiences, but I have also lived through some fabulous experiences.  The part of all of this that I will hold close to me as I climb into bed tonight is that through it all, I lived.  I am a fortunate woman.

Another Surgery Tomorow

Well, the other shoulder has gotten worse and now I need to have it taken care of.  Tomorrow morning I will have surgery at St. Josephs Medical Center/University of Maryland (or whatever it is called now) to do a total shoulder replacement on my left shoulder.  It has been just about 1-1/2 years since I had the right one done and have known all along that I would need this surgery.  If it is like the last one, the worst part is all the physical therapy.  Also, I am not looking forward to not being able to drive again!!! My only hope is that this one will go quicker since it is my left shoulder.

So, what have I been doing leading up to the surgery.  Well, with all the record high temperatures, I have been sweltering.  Aside from that,  I have been mostly cleaning my house, catching up on my gardening and doing paperwork - I needed to get done everything that needs two hand to accomplish!  I won't be able to make origami or crochet for quite a while.  I did get to have lunch/dinner with a few friends in the last few weeks and of course, and it is always fun to catch up with friends over a meal.   I also made some chicken salad for my family.  Sometimes I think that "chicken salad maker" is all that my family thinks that I do anymore!  :)  I will miss cooking and baking during my recovery - it is difficult to cook or bake with one arm.  Although, in all this heat, I have not been cooking or baking much.  Hopefully, I will be able to type with one hand, so I will give everyone an update in a few days!



 

Sometimes Dreams Do Come True - Cataract Surgery at 52

I was a bit shocked last month when the opthamologist told me that the cataracts that he had been monitoring had gotten bad and that I needed cataract surgeries on both eyes.  I wanted to sream, I could not believe that I needed another surgery and really couldn't believe that at 52, I had cataracts.  I have never wanted any sort of eye surgery.  I would not even have my vision corrected all these years of ever worsening vision - bifocals and transition lenses.  I was not happy, but not wanting to drag it out all summer (and some concerns about health insurance), I scheduled the surgeries for May 1st and May 15th and they are both now over.  I have been through some really rough surgeries, but for some reason, the eye surgery was freaking me out.  I never had my vision corrected, even though I had super terrible vision since I was in 3rd grade, because I never wanted anyone to touch my eyes.  The brain cancer was super upsetting because it affected my vision - I think that the vision issue was harder to deal with than the brain cancer itself.  Unless you are missing peripheral vision (or wearing an eye patch or some other obstruction to vision), you have no idea how much less your vision is.  It has been almost 4 years since losing my left peripheral vision and I still walk into things (Read on to hear about most recent crash later in this blog:).  Well, although scary, both cataract surgeries went fine.  The first one seemed really easy and the second one was more difficult and a bit more painful.  Although in the grand scheme of things, cataract surgery was not painful at all.  The needle for the IV was probably the most painful parts.  The constant eye drops are stinging and uncomfortable, but not really painful.  After each surgery, my face did look a bit bruised and there were some dark circles under my eyes.  Because of my terrible near sightedness, the two weeks between the first and second surgery were rather difficult.  With one eye seeing well and the other eye barely seeing at all, it was a real mess.  Driving and reading were somewhat impossible.  Distance views were okay - I could watch tv, etc.  Computer work, reading and anything with detail was almost impossible.  I lived the two weeks with weird arrangements of one eye closed while wearing glasses to be able to read with the other eye then removing the glasses to cover the other eye to see distances with the newly operated on eye, etc.  It was a wacky way to see!  But, the end result is that I can not see very well with both eyes, well EXCEPT for the reading part.  After spending every day since third grade wearing super thick glasses (and mostly hating every minute of it), I now only need glasses to read or view things close up.  It is an awesome feeling to wake up in the morning and be able to see the clock without reaching for my glasses!  It is also really great to be in the shower and reach for the shampoo or soap or anything and know exactly what it is and where it was sitting instead of guessing and feeling around to find something.  More than once, I have washed my hair with liquid soap because the bottle was the same shape and size as the shampoo bottle.  I had not realized how, over the years, I have gone through my morning rituals partially with memorization - I knew where things were, so I knew where to reach for them.  Without my glasses, I could only see large shapes without details, so staying in hotel rooms or other people's houses was always a bit disconcerting.  It is hard to explain to someone who has always had good vision.  Waking up that first morning after the second eye surgery was very strange.  Without moving, I could see everything in the room - without reaching for my glasses, I knew what time it was.  I can finally get rid of that super giant clock in my bedroom.  It was a great feeling.  When I was little and would dream, I would always dream of myself without glasses.  I guess in a weird way, one of my dreams has come true.  I know that the on and off of the reading glasses is going to take some getting used to, and we all know that I am not big on change, but I believe that this is going to be a very positive change in my life.  I guess that I can't say "no" glasses, but I can say "no, all the time" glasses!  Dreams sometimes do come true!  

Musical Walk Down Memory Lane

I don't often look at Youtube or videos or other music sites, but today on my Facebook page was a post of an Elvis song and I clicked on it.  It was Elvis singing "If I Can Dream" from the concert where he wore black leather.  The song was moving, especially after the events since the Boston Marathon bombings last Monday.  After that, I decided to look at a video of David Bowie's new song.  The video was quite odd - artistic, but odd - totally David Bowie. From there, I looked at some of my favorite David Bowie songs (Space Oddity, Starman, Oh, You Pretty Things, China Girl, etc.) and then I was linked to Freddie Mercury and the portion of the Queen Concert at Live Aid - wow, what memories.  Seeing Freddie Mercury command the audience was amazing.  I remember seeing him in concert all those years ago.

All that music stirred all sorts of memories - I had forgotten how music can do that.  Elvis, David Bowie and Queen were all sounds from various stages of my youth.  Although those days seem so far away, listening to the music made me feel as if it was yesterday.  Music can have such power.  Today, it made me happy.  It also made me reflect.  I reflected on different times in my life.  Music has always played an important role in my life.  It was the show tunes loaded onto my second hand I-Pod that got me through all the in-patient methotrexate chemotherapy treatments.  All those nights when I couldn't sleep, I would listen to songs from Cats and Evita and Wicked and Dream Girls and Nine and lots of others.  Those songs gave me comfort and strength and escape.  I could escape from the pain of my treatments and the pain of my situation.  It is funny, during my periods of hallucinations, I had a sudden realization of the meaning of some rock songs - I especially thought that I could finally understand David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.  I always loved that album.  I still love the music, but it does sort of remind me of my hallucinations.  I just wish that I cold have used them to make beautiful music!  Another period of my life that a certain type of music was important is during my divorce - I would get up at night and play country music and bake.  It is funny, I still like to bake with the country music blasting.  I don't know a lot about music, I don't understand what is difficult or easy and what is great music and what is fluff - I only know what I like and don't like and what moves me.  I think that I will pull out some old CD's and revisit some more memory lane by way of music.

Disappointed - Lance Armstrong

I am sure that I am not alone in my disappointment of Lance Armstrong.  I watched the first part of the two part interview with Oprah tonight and heard him admit to "doping" or taking banned substances during races.  I am angry at myself for believing in him so much.  I guess that I really wanted to believe.  He fought cancer so bravely, I just wanted to believe that he fought to be a great sportsman the same way.  I can't imagine his life now, after his fall from grace.  It must be very difficult to have been so high up on a pedestal and to fall so far.  I don't know how he can look people in the face again - people that he lied to all this time.  I also don't know how anyone will ever believe anything that he says again.  I hope that he somehow does something positive with all of the negative.  For a while, I wore a Livestrong bracelet - it was given to me by someone at Mercy Hospital because my cancer story and survival from CNS Lymphoma resonated with her - she had lost her dear brother to the disease.  Lance gave so many people hope.  I guess that we should still look at it that he survived, he just didn't live honestly in other aspects of his life.  This disappointment will weight heavily on me for a while.