CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

My Christmas Eve 2010 sure is a lot different than Christmas Eve 2009! I don't remember every detail of that day, but I do know that I was a patient in the hospital. I know that I was very ill and felt terrible. I know that I had no real freedom and was not able to drive or live in my own home - I could barely be alone at all. I had visitors during the day and at some point, my sister and I wrapped some presents (I should say "attempted" to wrap presents - it took a lot more energy than I actually had to do the little that I did). I also remember that my life seemed very bleak and it was very difficult to forsee any better future. I was sick and tired and I could not visualize a day when I would't be. I was barely eating or drinking and nothing tasted good. I remember watching Midnight Mass at the Vatican on the tiny television set in my room. I was alone and tired, but could't sleep. I remember that Nurse Rose would come by every so often to check on me or bring me medications. There was an altercation at the mass and someone tried to attack the Pope. I remember being in total disbelief and telling Nurse Rose about it when she came into my room later on - I wasn't sure if she actually believed me at the time. (The Nurses were all aware of the hallucinations that I sometimes had as a side effect of the steroids). I tried to stay awake to listen to the choir, hoping that the sounds of Christmas would somehow make me feel better. I dozed in and out until I finally turned off the television - it was more distracting than soothing. It is strange what memories "stick" and which ones don't. It is strange that these are the things that come to mind when I think of Christmas Eve last year.

So, a year later and I wake up in my own bed in my own home. No, I am only living there part-time, but I am still "living" there. I drove myself to my own house in my own car - yes, I have a valid driver's license again. Oddly enough, I woke up this morning feeling rather "down". I had so many hopes for this Christmas season and it seemed as if none of my hopes had been fulfilled. I felt tired - deep down tired. I got out of bed and drove my car to the food store and took care of a few errands and then went back home and back to bed. I was still deep down tired. When I woke up, I was sort of annoyed that I had "things" to do. I needed to get ready for a party. At that time, I didn't want to do anything - and I really didn't want to go to a party. It was too much "work" to get dressed and ready to go be social. All of a sudden, the party and the holiday felt like an obligation and not something fun. The feeling was making me more tired and more down. After a while, I did get dressed and ready for the party. My parents drove me there (I am still not really comfortable driving at night). That was another thng that had me down - I had achieved my goal to be able to drive again, but my driving is still limited. I want to be able to drive like I did before the brain surgery and chemotherapy treatments! Well, after arriving at the party, my spirits were lifted. People were laughing and talking and eating and drinking and so was I. Somewhere between getting in the car to go to the party and the first fifteen minutes of the party I went from seeing the glass as half empty to seeing the glass as half full. No, my health and life and circumstances are not all that I want them to be, but they sure are a lot better than they were a year ago. I wonder what myself of a year ago would have thought of myself today? A year ago, I was very down (with good reason), but I could not even see the possibility of attending a party, eating good food (and enjoying the taste of it), holding a nice conversation, being in a social setting without worrying about "catching something". This morning when I woke up I had forgotten the rule that I have been trying to live by - the rule of "one day at a time". I was looking too much at the big picture and too little at the segments of the journey. It is odd, I usually would say that I see things more clearly early in the day. That is not so today. Today, it took me until this late in the evening to really see how far I have come on this journey and just how much I have achieved. Yes, I will spend the remainder of this Christmas Eve celebrating the differences between last year and this year. So many good accomplishments - so many good things to look forward to. No, my recovery is not complete - it may never be. But I have moved forward on the path. And hopefully, each day, I will move a little more forward. That is all I can ask for. Yes, I am truly fortunate. And yes, now I realize that today was a really good day - full of love and friendship and achievements and accomplishments. Well, it sounds like the mass is starting and I am hoping to hear the choir sing a bit before going to bed. I will watch Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican on the television in my parent's living room. Comfortably on the sofa as my mother sleeps in the chair. No nurses will check on me or bring me medications. What a difference a year makes! Merry Christmas to all.

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR - A YEAR LATER

On December 11, 2009, I rode in an ambulance and don't even remember it! Even knowing that surgery and another hospital stay is in my future, my December and beginning of the holiday season 2010 is WAY better than last years. As an odd coincidence, I spent part of today at Towson Town Center and I saw the Santa that I waited in line last year to have my picture taken with. I didn't bother this year - it was weird, I recognized him immediately and then the memories of what followed struck me. Yes, some memories are still buried, like the ambulance ride, but others - the needles, hallucinations, therapy, swallowing problems, learning to walk again, etc., yes, those memories are still fresh. But, today, instead of being admitted to the hospital, I woke up early, did some Christmas shopping, I had dinner with my parents, checked up on some friends on Face Book, chatted with my sister on the phone and am getting ready to climb into my very own bed in my own home. Yes, things are a lot better this year! Lots to be thankful for.