SNOW DAY

I felt like a school kid yesterday with the big snow. Not that I had anywhere to go or that I was going anywhere, it was just that the snow gave me the "permission" to not feel guilty for wrapping in a blanket and watching movies and cooking shows and eating snacks and just hanging out with my parents all day. It was a good day - I felt well from the time I woke up and had energy and strength. The snow outside the window was so pretty - giant flakes covering the evergreens, traffic moving slowly. Since I didn't have to drive in it or shovel it, I really enjoyed the snow. It was a winter wonderland out my window. Treat yourself - take a snow day!

I did all of my exercises (and yes, my muscles and joints are still sore) and even tried some new ones on a foam roller that Mom bought me (because she saw it on Dr. Oz's show and if Dr. Oz has it, it must be good). Good thing no one was here to see me rolling off the foam roller - it looked so easy to use, but is really hard and kind of painful (although the woman on Dr. Oz's show said that it was "good pain"). I am sure that I was a pretty site! The foam roller (promoted by Gold's Gym) says that it is for flexibility, endurance, strength and for aching muscles. I think that it worked real well to make my muscles ache! After all that exercise, I deserved to watch countless Lifetime Movies and the Food Network. I even spent time looking up the recipes and printing them off the internet. Ask me in a month or so if I ever made any of those dishes - my Mom wanted us to cook everyone of them - if we only had all those ingredients! :) Needless to say, we never made any of them, but they all looked mighty good.

I did do a little cooking while home from the hospital this time. Apparently chicken was my theme. My Mom and I (with Dad's help doing some of the chopping and pounding) made Chicken Noodle Soup with Escarole in it. It was something that my grandmother used to make and it was really good comfort food. We were proud of ourselves. I also made chicken salad, chicken in lemon sauce with artichokes and chicken marsala. It felt good to be useful and to do something that I love to do - cook. Although in my weakened state, I was a lot like the cooking show chefs, I did all the fancy/important parts of the cooking and Mom and Dad did all the prep work and clean up - hmm, I think that I planned that exactly right. Needless to say - I am totally sick of chicken!

Aside from cooking, exercise and watching television, I did do a lot of paperwork, talked on the phone (a lot), sent a bunch of emails, texted my friends and enjoyed the company of a few visitors. I also listened to some music. I guess not that productive by most people's standards, but one of the most productive and enjoyable times away from the hospital that I have had since this cancer ordeal started for me.

So, I guess what I am saying is that I have eaten well and enjoyed my time in-between hospital visits and that I am totally miserable that I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow for round six! Actually, I am ready to get these treatments over with - so the sooner I get chemo six underway, the sooner it will be over and that is my goal at the moment - get it over with!

MRI - Excellent News

The doctor called with the MRI results. Wednesday's MRI was compared to an MRI that I had in early December and there was no change. (The December MRI was compared with the post surgery MRI from October) So, no tumor growth. Excellent News. We will repeat the MRI every so often, but for now, everything is good. I am happy to share my good news with everyone!

PS: As you can tell from the time, I am up and about today and have some strength. It looks like today is going to be a really good day!

UPDATE

In case you talked to me or my family in the last few days, I am finally feeling better and stronger. The last couple of days, I have been exhausted and very fatigued - or a big slug on the sofa, as I like to call myself. I was like that most of today and then all of a sudden, after dinner, I got some energy. Yeah! I am hoping to wake up with some energy tomorrow. It is really weird how the fatigue takes over your body - one minute I am talking and the next minute I can't move off the sofa or keep my eyes open! (PS: It is not an excuse to get out of doing chores!:) I think that I have mention that walking up and down steps are a problem - I am getting a little stronger and did real good getting in and out of the house today to go for blood work. Up is a lot harder than down! Today was the first day that I went up and down without a break in-between. I am working with two pound weights with my arms (woo - hoo - gym membership here I come) and am doing pretty good. My parents use these giant soup bowls for tea cups and for a while, I couldn't drink out of one - now I can! Anyway, there is lots of improvement going on in my well being. I have an MRI and DR appointment later in the week, I'll keep you informed when I have any updates.

CANCER SUCKS

Two friends lost their mothers to cancer this week. My thoughts and prayers are with both of them and their families during this difficult time. So many families are impacted everyday by this terrible disease and it seems to just be more and more of it. May happy memories and the power of the love they shared give them comfort from their grief. I am so fortunate to have both of my parents and more fortunate that they are able to take care of me during this ordeal. I try to let them know how much I appreciate them everyday, but I am certain that I don't always remember.

It seems like everyone that I talk to is dealing with someone in some sort of treatment for cancer - it seems like it is everywhere. When I am in the hospital, I am on the 4th floor, known as the "chemo" floor. I am not one for walking through the hallways, but when I do, I often see other patients walking around with their IV poles getting their chemo treatments - all very surreal. Did you know that a nurse has to be certified in chemotherapy in order to administer chemo and/or work with patients undergoing chemo? That is why the 4th floor is the chemo floor - all the certified chemo nurses are concentrated on that floor. I don't know what would possess someone to be a chemo nurse - I couldn't do it! I do know that 99% of the chemo nurses that I have encountered have been amazing people. Kind, caring, informative. The nurses can make the difference between a good day and a bad day. At shift change (7:00 am and 7:00 pm), the on-duty nurse comes to your room and writes her name on your board - it is always good to know your nurses name. It is a little scary that I know most of them when they show up - I have clearly been in the hospital way too much! Most of them are really friendly and are actually concerned about your well being and care. The really good ones remember to turn out the overhead lights that you can't reach from your bed after they come in with your meds at 3:00 am!

On a more positive note, I know that the medical community has come a long way with cancer - just in the ten years since my last bout with cancer - there are so many new treatments and medicines. So much more knowledge and hopefully, many more cures and long term treatments. Just the number of "cancer centers" in the Baltimore area is amazing (thanks to the Weinbergs!). I am thankful to all the medical professionals, doctors, nurses, researchers, etc. who have made the treatment and cure of cancer their profession!

CHEMO 5 IS OVER - I am now at my parents

This is the first time that I was discharged from the hospital during the daylight! What a nice surprise. My levels were a little elevated, but the doctor was certain that they were dropping and was sure that a night in my own bed would be better than another night in the hospital. I totally agree. They are being very careful and I have to go to the treatment center for lab work on both Monday and Wednesday - they are not taking any chances. I am on thee different antibiotics and a mess of other stuff - no one wants to see me get an infection! Just driving home lifted my spirits! I feel pretty good today, just fatigued. No mouth sores. For the most part, food tastes like sawdust or straight sugar, so eating is not fun - which is tough for me - I really do love food and apparently I will be missing Baltimore's winder Restaurant Week!

Oh well, the summer one is just around the corner. The days in the hospital seem to go on forever, but the days at home fly by - I just wish that I left the hospital feeling as strong as when I get there! I am still working on my endurance - but the chemo weakens me and is a a setback, but I'll work hard this week to regain the strength that I lost. I did pretty good coming up the steps into the house, so that was a good sign. I will give more details and updates later. Thank you all for your support during this treatment.

I hate delays

I have been waiting since 8:00 am this morning and the hospital does not have a bed available for me - I guess the holiday weekend filled the hospital.  This means that everything will get thrown off - I was hoping to get out of the hospital a day earlier this time - but I guess I will not be that lucky!

Heading back to the hospital today for chemo - will update later in the week

TIME IN A BOTTLE

I know that I have been a bit down lately, but today  I woke up feeling strong and truly blessed  I feel good and am in a very positive mood.  I am a very fortunate woman.  As most of you know I have been down this cancer road before - 10 years ago lots of good people saw me through chemotherapy and radiation and I was fortunate enough to "win" 10 healthy years.  The Venable Team has been amazingly supportive.    Wow - I could go on forever about the things that happened in those 1o years - some that I would like to erase from memory (September 11th) and some that are part of my happiest moments in life (2 trips to Disney).  We sometimes forget all the different components that come together to fill a day, a week, a life.  My recent days have dragged by endlessly - counting the minutes on the clock.  I am not doing that today.  Today, I am making each minute an activity - counting activities is much better than counting minutes!  I know that when I go back to the hospital on Monday, the days will be longer and less productive, but I also know that it should be only 7 days and that the following 7 days will be at home and more productive and more independent - I look forward to the good days!  These in-between weeks make me stronger - both in body and spirit.  Today, I think of all the things that I have done in the past ten years (some as mundane as food shopping) and I enjoy the thought of each of those mundane moments - I may not have lived to see those moments and I know how lucky I am to have lived to se them.  I actually look forward to being able to walk through a food store and pick out my own groceries.  It will take some time, but I know that it will come.  I will work hard to regain my endurance.  I also know that I won't take such mundane things for granted anymore.  The casual lunch with a friend or co-worker, the chance meeting on the street and stopping to chit chat, remembering to send a birthday greeting - so many little things that make up our lives.   Being able to stand on my own.  I am lucky to be able to stand and walk a little bit - a few weeks ago, I could not.  I stood for over 10 minutes this morning, totally on my own, it was a great accomplishment and tomorrow I know that I will do better.  I guess it goes back to the minutes that make up our lives - we need to make each one of them count or at least appreciate each one of them, even the ones that don't seem very exciting.  Standing where I am today in comparison to where I was a few weeks ago and also where I was ten years ago, the minutes seem so important and meaningful.  I am glad to have had each and everyone of those minutes in my life - even the embarrassing ones and the painful ones (yes, there are always bad ones - but they make us who we are).  Every part of the journey has led me to this place and has been a part of my life - the important word being LIFE - I sure don't want the alternative!  I need to embrace all of life, even the bad parts - they all mingle together to make the whole journey, the whole person, the whole life.    I also reflect today on the fact that today I am alive and sitting at this computer - again, rather mundane, but as of a few weeks ago, me sitting here typing this Blog didn't seem very likely.  I was totally unaware of that - but I know that many of you were very aware and scared and concerned and living through hellish times worrying about me.  People were on their way to visit me and received phone calls that I was not doing very well.  I know that great forces worked to bring me to sitting at this computer today and I am thankful for all of them and all of you.  It is humbling to think that I may not have ever had the chance to tell the people in my life, family, friends, co-workers, etc. how much I love and value each and every one of them.  I would like to personally call each person that I know and love, but I really don't have that much energy yet, but please know that I am forever grateful for each minute that I have been given - good and bad ones - and that I will try my best to use each of them for good!  Thank you.  Lots of love.  Debbie      

The Mind is it's own place, can make a heaven of a hell and a hell of a heaven

This quote is from John Milton's "Paradise Lost" and it keeps popping into my mind.  I have had couple of bad weeks in the hospital - the holidays didn't help.   The days have been so long - and I have been so tired.  Getting home for a few days has lifted my spirits and I am feeling fairly well now.  But I have to keep reminding myself that I have to make the decision to live each day in a positive manner and not a negative one.  It is also important to not look too far into the future - it is a bit overwhelming.  I am trying to take one day at a time and keep a positive attitude.  I thank everyone who is helping me meet my goals.  

CHEMO #4 IS OVER - I am resting at my parents

More updates later when I am feeling stronger.  I am very fatigued (to be expected).  Aside from that, feeling pretty good.  Very lucky woman.  Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers!

Potential Next Chemo - January 4, 2010 - I'll keep you informed.

FELLOWSHIP

FELLOWSHIP is not a word that is used very often anymore.  To me, it is the Fellowship of the Rings from the J.R.R. Tolkien books.  When I was in the induced coma, Tom, my former husband and dear friend read to me from the Lord of the Rings - we met at Loyola College in a Fantasy Literature Class and it was one of the series of books that we read together.  We also saw the movies together over the years.  They are the kind of books and movies that you really have to be interested in to fully appreciate and it is great when you have someone else to watch or read with who feels the same way that you do.  I bring up the Fellowship because I wanted everyone to know that during my ordeal, I never felt alone.  I always felt surrounded by my own Fellowship - much like that of Frodo's - my Fellowship could not always be with me and only my body could battle the platelets and bacterial infection, but I was never alone  AND most importantly, I know that I was never alone.  I felt a strong presence the entire time that I was in the hospital - I know that the presence was a combination of both spiritual beings and my family and friends that make up my Fellowship.  Some of them were there by my side - from Vermont and New Jersey and Abingdon and Rosedale, and Baltimore and White Marsh and others were only there in spirit and thoughts, but were surrounding me nonetheless.   I have said it before, and I want everyone to know and believe that I am a very fortunate woman.  I would like for this horrible disease and treatments to have bypassed me, but it didn't and there is nothing that I can do about it, but deal with it in the most positive efficient way that I can - and I am trying to do just that.  But I know that I have so much more love and support than so many others, so in many many ways I am better able to handle these trials.  I don't know what I would have done to have awaken from the induced coma with no one by my side (physically and/or spiritually), but I didn't have to deal with that - I was surrounded with love and positive thoughts and people that loved me and were rooting for me.  It is an amazing feeling and I am truly blessed to have so much love and friendship and caring in my life.   This battle is not nearly done and I know that there will be other tough times, but I also know that I am never alone and that I have so much help, that I will just have to get through each trial as it comes to the best of my ability.  I owe that to myself and to my entire Fellowship!  For those who traveled great distances in snow storms and for those who sent me there energy, I thank you all for your love and support and truly appreciate all that you did for me and most especially for my family who has really suffered from this latest ordeal! 

2010! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, here is wishing each and every one of you a very happy and healthy New Year.  To all my family, friends, fans, followers, medical professionals, prayer groups, buddies, colleagues, etc. - my wish for each of you is that 2010 be full of happiness, health, success and friendship and love!