Chemo #3 is scheduled to start on Tuesday, December 1st

I'll keep you posted.

Thanksgivings Past and Present

Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday.  Coming from an Italian background, celebrations always centered around food.  Turkey was the one food that we probably only ate in my house once a year - my mom almost never cooked a turkey.  Everything about Thanksgiving dinner was my favorite as a child.  I always loved Autumn - the leaves turning colors were always happy memories for me.  I love anything to do with pumpkins, apples, pies and the cinnamon spices of that time of year.  Thanksgiving, like most holidays, was a feeding frenzy with my family, usually celebrated at our row house in northeast Baltimore City.  We probably had one of the smallest houses in the family, but most holidays were at our house.  Everyone brought food, but it was still at our house.  I remember folding chairs being lifted back and forth over fences to share with neighbors whose dinners were at slightly different times than ours.  My mom's family is the Italian side (Fullano/Derenzi), but dad's side (Pilker/Liverman/Ferrar) was always referenced as "German", although in later years there was some speculation that there may have been some Irish.  I was lucky to have many grandparents - on my mother's side, Grandma Rose, Great Grandma Angeline, and Grandpa Lou and on Dad's side, Grandma Helen and Grandpa John (my grandma's second husband, I never knew my dad's dad - he fought in WWI and WWII, but I think that his demise had something to do with women, not war).  We had lots of Aunts and Uncles and cousins, especially on the Italian side of the family and we all lived relatively close, even walking distance to some of them.  We would have a full course turkey dinner (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, greens of some sort, and carrots), as well as pork and sauerkraut (a Baltimore/German thing) and also at least one or more Italian dishes (my favorite was Great Grandma's ravioli, but Grandma Rose's lasagna was fabulous also.  Grandma Helen would almost always bring a Date/Nut Cake, which I love to this day.  Grandma Rose was also a great bake, but would never tell you what she was bringing - it was always a surprise and always really good.  So, we really overdid Thanksgiving food.  It was a real buffet.  No one came to the house without a casserole dish or pie in their hand.  It was the best feast all year!  Although, I don't remember having many leftovers - the food would be parceled out to the various relatives and there never seemed to be enough turkey!  It was funny, the cooking seemed o go on for days, but the meal itself would only last 2 hours or so, but we would talk about it for days afterwards.  Oh to be 12 again and sitting at that table (which some years was a piece of wood sitting on saw horses) talking over all the loud voices, trying all those wonderful dishes and wishing for seconds of my favorite desserts! 

Well, this year was a little different.  First of all, the gathering was very small.  Too many people were sick this year (coughs were rampant), so my cousins all had to have their own dinners, so as not to infect me, so my parents and I gathered for dinner with my sister, her husband and three children.  It was very nice, but a lot less chaos than we are used to!  But also, there was NO ITALIAN FOOD - all because of me and the chemo (red sauce causes mouth sores and acid issues).  We just had the traditional turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, broccoli kind of dinner (that normal people have) and it was wonderful - I ate a little of each dish and was lucky that they all tasted the way that they normally would.  I skipped all sweets - all sweets taste too sweet - so I missed out on pumpkin pie, but aside from that, Thanksgiving Dinner 2009 was a huge success.  It was wonderful not being in the hospital and also wonderful to get out a little and have an appetite and be able to eat.  And this year, my poor sister was pretty much on her own with the cooking (I usually help) an she did a great job - her turkey was moist and delicious!  

Needless to say, lots to be thankful for this year.  I received an email today that mentioned that I was included in a special family prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, so much kindness and generosity has been shown me these last few months.  Sometimes I can actually feel the  gathering of the positive energy around me.  I am  especially thankful to all of my friends and family, each of you have helped me be as well as I am and your continued support will see me through this rather long journey.  Wishing each you many things to be thankful for today and throughout the year!   

 

HAIR and FATIGUE

Hair is usually very important to a woman, but with me and these circumstances, the hair falls into the "if it doesn't hurt, I don't care about it category".  Bonnie buzzed as much of it as possible off, prior to last treatment, but it is falling out big time now.  I can't wait until it is gone.  I feel like a shedding dog - everywhere I go, I leave a trail of little black hairs (okay - there are some grays in their too).   Icky, but no pain.  I think that I will owe my parents some major rug cleaning when we finish up with all this stuff!  

I have been a real fashionista at my treatments - matching my scarves and hats to my pajamas.  I keep the nurses entertained - I will put the scarf on backwards across my eyes (too many lights on in the hospital) , so that when they come in to do my vitals, I look like a bank robber trying to cover my face!  Well, it amuses me, I am just assuming that it amuses them too.  Mom bought me a Christmas scarf when we were leaving the hospital last week - but it had to go into the cupboard - I do not believe in Christmas decorations, etc. until AFTER THANKSGIVING!  Let's at least try to not rush past everything before it happens. 

Aside from the shedding, the biggest difference between Chemo #1 and Chemo #2 has been fatigue.  One minute, I am talking on the phone or reading a magazine and the next minute, I am sound asleep.  It is a weird feeling - total exhaustion in seconds.  It takes me forever to do anything - I have to rest after eating breakfast(opening a yogurt takes a lot of energy)!  Weird thing - yogurt has become one of my favorite foods in the world - not exactly sure why and I can't eat the kind with all the fruit that I used to - so it is just the plain or vanilla varieties, but I just have to have one for breakfast every day.  It must be a texture thing - lots of stuff feels really yucky in my mouth, but yogurt feels okay.  My mom and dad have bought every kind of yogurt for me to try - Greek, Organic, Soy, etc.  They all seem to taste the same, it is just that some are thicker.      

School Network

Aside from a few classes these last years through Adult Education at Essex Community College (Yoga; Fitness; World's Best Biscotti; Cooking Appetizers, etc.), I have not attended school for about 27 years.  But WOW, I really have a School Network following my progress and helping my family and friends.  My sister's children currently attend, St. Michael the Archangel School in Overlea; The Catholic High School of Baltimore, and Archbishop Curley High School, but my sister also has a lot of connections to Elmwood Elementary School.     There are a couple of of my sisters' school network buddies that have been dealing with their own battles against cancer and I deeply appreciate their continued advice and home remedies and experiences with the various side effects to all these treatments.  The taste of chewing on rust the other day during Chemo #2 almost took me down, but I got through it (I knew that it had plagued another tough woman and that she did not allow it to take her down - I gathered her strength to me and she helped me through some tough moments.   The School Network has also sent me many prayers and positive thoughts and some emails that made me laugh so hard that I almost burst.  What a great group of people! 

Aside from my sister's children's schools, my own alma maters have been pulling for me - I have heard from childhood friends from Brehms Lane Elementary School; Furley Elementary School; Herring Run Jr. High School; Lake Clifton Sr. High School, Loyola College in Maryland (now Loyola University Maryland).  A favorite high school biology teacher and dear friend visited me the other day - she taught me "Ecology of the Chesapeake Bay" over 30 years ago and is still working for the Baltimore City Public School System.  It is strange, but most of the schools that I attended, do not even exist anymore, but in the collective memories of the students, teachers and staff that passed through their halls.  It is amazing what the power of FaceBook, Classmates and other such cyber space stuff can bring together (I just don't want to show up on YouTube!).   (PS:  I am really exercising the brain - just remembering the names of all those schools is difficult in the best of circumstances!) 

I seem to have a bunch of other School Network connections - lots of teachers in my network of friends - a special thanks to each and every teacher - I am positive that if given enough time, I could name every teacher that I have ever had in school and what they taught me.  I especially thank the teachers that taught me to love to read and appreciate books.  Books and stories were always my friends - some of my favorite childhood memories are trips to the library.  My sister will tell the stories of "ratting me out" to my parents when I would sit up with a flashlight in the bathroom as a small child reading a book well after bedtime (and yes, I did things like that when I was in college too). As a small child, my fantasy house had a big library/den with giant window seats for reading and books from floor to ceiling.  Hmm - I never did get a house with its own library - I might need to work on that!      

IPOD

I am not one of those people that rushes into change - most especially anything technological.  A legal pad and a #2 pencil really are my favorite way to go!  I finally signed up for home internet and a week later, I am in the hospital with a brain tumor - hmm - can I blame technology?  Overload of information - too much for me?  Anyway, I have never had an IPOD, it was on my "really need list" for a long long time, but it just never really happened.  Well, Bonnie and the kids loaded some show tunes and Josh Groban music to a mini pink IPOD for me an it helps me get though the long hours in the hospital.  WOW - how much easier can listening to music be?  Give Apple a big gold star from me - it is an incredible invention!  

Well, this show tune thing and all the news this week about the upcoming movie version of "Nine" has brought me to a dilemma and I am sure that there is someone (I swear that I overheard it in the office hallway one day) that has a contraption that will convert an album (you know one of those antiquated platter kind of things) into some sort of digital system that could be downloaded onto an IPOD.  I already searched the web and no one seems to sell the CD version of the original Raul Julia Cast Album of "Nine" (it won a Tony Award!)  I have always loved that version of the musical.  The Antonio Banderas version is okay and I have it on CD and I am sure that I will get the new movie version when it comes out at Christmas time (interesting that they would cast a musical with all non-musical people), but if someone knows of a way to get this album put on my POD, I would deeply appreciate the information.  No critical timing - I have plenty enough other music - someone just sent me some Lord of the Rings music - I can't wait to listen to it.  Thanks for everything - I'll update you again soon.

Chemo # 2 is over and I am resting at my parents!

Looking forward to a good nights sleep.  More tomorrow.

Leaving for the Hospital - Chemo #2 starts today

SAN DIEGO NETWORK OF FRIENDS

Last January, I was invited to a wedding reception in San Diego.  Timing was bad, money was tight, work-load was overwhelming, but I wanted to go.  I almost talked myself out of it - the economy was really a mess, it did not seem like a practical time to take a vacation.  Also, I would be traveling alone and other than for the wedding couple, was not sure if I would know anyone.  What finally let me to San Diego was another friends question, "Two months from now, will you be really sorry that you missed the wedding - will you always regret it?".  And, the answer was YES, I knew that I would regret it.  Well, anyone who has talked to me this year knows that I went to San Diego and I had one of the best vacations of my life.  I fell in love with San Diego, reenergized my travel spirit, renewed a long friendship, made new friends, fell in love with the Panda's at the zoo and had an absolutely fabulous time.  Everyone at the wedding, many of which I had never set eyes on before, enveloped me into their plans, I tagged along for breakfasts and lunches and cocktails - I was instantly a part of the crowd and when I returned to Baltimore, my face hurt from using more smile muscles than I knew that I had.  I was made fun of, the whole time I was there.  I was the only person still using a FILM camera.  No one could believe it.  Well, when I got home, my pictures were terrible - lots of side views and backs of heads.  A special thank you to Mary who sent me all of her lovely digital photos from Snapfish.  I put together a photo album of about 200 gorgeous pictures (and some really great pandas and giraffes and even some people who were facing the camera!)  I went home from that vacation with a great memories and lots of new friends.

Well, sometimes all the stars align at the right time and the wedding couple were visiting Baltimore and gathered as many of their wedding guests as they could and invited me along to visit.  I did not want to detract from their fun and I knew that my recent illness would steal some of their spotlight, but I also knew that these people had been so much fun and so kind, that seeing them again would give me a spark.  Well, spark I did.  It was wonderful.  Everyone was so happy to see me and so full of positive thoughts and happiness, that it was again, the right thing to do.  There were a few people there that had not been able to attend the wedding, but I knew from past parties and festivities, and it was wonderful to bond with them as well.  It is funny how once you get talking, the connections of how you all know each other or have met through other people come together.  The other interesting thing is that you find friends of friends that are friend of other friends - so before you know it, you are all sharing common stories.  What a great gathering - last January and last night!  Thank you Frank and Jeff. PS: I'll be back to visit and I need to see those Pandas again! 

Bake Someone Happy

If you know me, you know that I like to bake.  Well, I had promised Hannah some cupcakes for St. Michael's Holiday Festival.  My mom didn't want me to bake, etc., we could have just bought something for the cake wheel.  Well, I was determined to bake - I have not done anything like that in a while and wasn't sure if I even could pull it together.  I know that there are a few of you out there that would understand (Betty, Sue, Carol) - it was a challenge and I feel that baking is a part of me and I needed to make sure that I could still do it.  Well, I cheated a little and used a box mix, but the icing was homemade.  Considering I was not in my own kitchen and that I was a bit out of sorts, everything worked out well - I baked Hannah some beautiful bundt shaped cupcakes with white icing and green and red sugar sprinkles.  We only dropped them off at the festival, so I don't know who won them, but it made me feel really good to have done it!  The worst part is that they smelled so good baking in the oven, but right now, I can't stand anything sweet!  I love sweets - is this pure torture or what!!!!

HUMBLE

I had to share this - my dad brought home a copy of The Avenue, a local area newspaper.  I was flipping though it looking at all the BINGO dates and church and community festivities.  I fell upon a little "thank you" from one of the reporters for the paper.  She was thanking the community for their support during her SEVENTH recurrence of cancer.  I was floored.  I can not even imagine fighting cancer for the seventh time.  WOW, what a strong lady.  It sounded like her treatments were over for this seventh round and she was so positive  Anyway, I just wanted to send some positive thoughts her way and to say that hearing stuff like that really puts things in perspective.  So much to be thankful for - sometimes we just need to open our eyes.

Special Thanks

Special thanks for all the cards and emails and notes and prayers and positive thoughts from everyone!  It really has made me feel very special.  I am just sorry that I have not been able to call each and every one of you (but there are really only so many hours in the day!).  

November 2, 2009 - Beginning of First Chemo Treatment

First chemo treatment day was crazy - I got to the hospital late and everything got off schedule.  Very hectic.  But, the doctors and nurses all jumped in to make the experience as smooth and organized as possible.  It was late in the evening when the actual chemo drugs were administered - for 25 hours!  Rather creepy watching a nurse put on a Haz Mat Suit, while setting up your IV - knowing that the drug will be running through your own body!  The only other gory detail that I will give is that the chemo itself was an optic yellow - kind of like a tennis ball - very weird!  My team of chemo nurses were the absolute best - Sylvia, Connie, Mary, and Maria were the ones that I remember from the first two days - amazing group of nurses!  They were assisted by Nurse Technicians (I remember Jackie and Kristin the most), Nutritionists, Physicians Assistants, Nurse Practitioners and an entire network of others - all of whom were friendly and bubbly and eager to help.  Even housekeeping personnel were pleasant and efficient!  Nurse Connie filled me with ice chips and ice water for all of the many hours that the chemo was administered - as I froze, she covered me in warm blankets.  Seemed kind of crazy, but I have not had a mouth sore yet - so her expertise really worked!  I think that I ate 5 cups of ice cream and 2  cups of pudding and all those ice chips that first night!   It was a long and worrisome evening - I kept waiting to be really sick.  I couldn't sleep - partially because I was waiting to be sick and partially because all that ice made me go to the bathroom every hour on the hour!  You would not believe how agile I have become manuevering an IV pole in and out of the bathroom (new skills are always good to acquire).  Anyway, the process is to get the chemo in and then to get the chemo out.  The getting out part took much longer than anticipated - that is why I didn't get out of the hospital until Sunday afternoon.  I had wanted to go home, but I knew that I needed the fluids and medical care, so I was in the best place, getting the best treatment.  As soon as the chemo levels were at acceptable levels, I got to leave the hospital and sleep at my parents house - which felt really great.  It is also nice to be able to shower and check my emails, etc.

Two more funny stories about chemo night - (1) my sister loaded an IPOD with Broadway Show Tunes for me, so in the wee hours of the morning, I was bored, so I put on my show tunes and danced around in the bed (well - maybe bounced more than danced) - when Nurse Mary came in to check on me she asked what I was doing - I told her that Elphaba (the Wicked Witch from "Wicked") was helping me fight the cancer.  Looking back at it, it was pretty funny; and (2) I finally understand David Bowie.  I always liked his music as a teenager, especially his Ziggy Stardust persona.  Well, with time on my hands (and recent memories of hallucinations) I really had a chance to think of some of the lyrics to his songs and they have all begun to make perfect sense!  Things like "spoken like a pink monkey bird" and "spiders from mars" all seem very plausible to me.  I read somewhere that David Bowie believed that he saw a spaceship land and that the American government covered it up.   Well - if you listen to "Starman", it makes perfect sense.  Maybe I will have to revisit some other albums from my past (but then again, maybe some of that stuff should not me meddled with - I am well over 40!)   Again, thanks for your continued support.  Please know that I am thinking of you and working hard to get through these treatments.  Tomorrow is a blood work day and I'll give you an update when I know something.            

Restaurant Review and Counting my blessings

RESTAURANT REVIEW:  My friends got me out of the house on Saturday night and took me to the new steakhouse in Baltimore called Sullivan's.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I love to eat.  I was in a steak mood - so steakhouse it was.  Food was excellent - the calamari was not as good as the Capital Grille's, but my steak was juicy and tender (and of course, I only eat it well done, so juicy and tender is not always expected!)  Waiter was excellent and knew when to leave us alone so that we could enjoy our conversation.  Atmosphere was a bit loud and a bit boring.  The place needed something.  It was great to get out and do something sort of "normal" and celebrate with good friends.  It is nice to have the kind of friends that really know you and know how to have a good time.  My only regret was that I wanted a martini so bad and couldn't have one!  

  

BLESSINGS:  I have become quite the morning person!  How come I could not pop out of bed for work like this?  Anyway, I awoke having the most beautiful dream - which really wasn't a dream, it was a snippet of my real life.  As most of you know, 10 years ago (August 18, 1999 - weird the dates that stick in your head) I had my first chemo treatment - back then it was CHOP, this time the name is too fancy to spell!  Well, probably the best memory that I have from the last ten years happened somewhere between my last chemo treatment and the middle of radiation - I was getting stronger and the cancer was pretty much beaten and I could drive again and was working a few hours a week, so life was getting back to normal.  The phone call came in the wee hours of April 28th - my mom's frantic voice telling me that my sister was at the hospital and there wasn't much time.  I grabbed a few items and ran out to the car and drove like a mad woman and barely got there in time to stand beside my sister and her husband as Hannah was born.  Dave and I had on pink T-shirts because we were hoping for a girl.  Soon after the delivery, Dave went to pick up Ryan and Megan so that they could meet their new sister and I stayed behind with mine - me with my 1|4 inch of hair wrapped in a pink scarf (I was also quite fashionably thin) and my sister with the biggest smile that could fit on a persons face.  When the nurse came in the room and saw me and my sister and I was holding Hannah, she congratulated us on our new arrival.  My sister laughed, picking up what was going on immediately, and said "we are sisters" and the nurse said, yes, she realized that.  Well, Bonnie was laughing so hard as she said "no, we are the biological kind of sisters!"  Being there for Hannah's birth was one of the happiest moments of my life.  Hannah is now 9 and the most delightful child.  She drew me the most beautiful picture of the two of us looking like American Doll's to hang in my hospital room.  (I owe her a trip to NY to the American Doll Store, so I really need to get better soon - it is not nice to keep a 9 year old waiting!).  Anyway, I woke up thinking about all the blessings that I have had in the last ten years, and remembering how fortunate I have been.  Ryan, Megan and Hannah are the absolute joys of my life.  I even like helping them with their homework!  We have had some great family vacations - I think that I loved Disney more than than the kids did!  Last May, we spent a week in VT together.  Yep, I am a lucky girl!    

Things on my mind today that I would like to share

• a cup of Twinings Earl Grey tea in the morning can be the difference between a good day and a bad day
• if you have dinner with friends on a Friday night at the Cheesecake Factory - EAT SOME CHEESECAKE - if not, you will regret it
• never take your lunch buddies for granted - sometimes they are the only people that keep you sane
• if an opportunity for a good time knocks at your door - THROW YOUR COAT ON AND GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN
• if you have not caught up with a good friend in a while - pick up the phone and call them
• Share a good laugh - a deep down laugh from the belly - it really is good medicine (I did that yesterday and it sure brightened my day)
• if you are from the Baltimore area and over 40, you probably remember Enchanted Forest - you probably even have a picture of yourself or one of your kids hugging a gingerbread boy fence or in Hansel and Gretel's house - take the time to remember how something so simple was so much fun and if you know where the picture is, take it out and show someone so that you can laugh about it together
• Never miss the tulips blooming at Sherwood Gardens - some years are better than others, but it is worth the trip either way and it is free (Jay has a beautiful picture on his desk of the tulips)
• Don't forget that Baltimore has a lot of treasures - the Basilica tour is wonderful and then you can walk over to the Central Library - if you have not been there in a while, it is delightful; also, before it gets too cold, go on the tour of Greenmount Cemetery - it is really interesting and full of history (dress warm, cemeteries are always cold)
• If you are lucky enough to have living parents, make sure you let them know just how much they mean to you - I am really appreciating my parents these days (no one loves you like your mom and dad do) 
• Never hold back from doing the chicken dance at a wedding - I know it looks silly, but it really gets the crowd going 
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