CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

My Christmas Eve 2010 sure is a lot different than Christmas Eve 2009! I don't remember every detail of that day, but I do know that I was a patient in the hospital. I know that I was very ill and felt terrible. I know that I had no real freedom and was not able to drive or live in my own home - I could barely be alone at all. I had visitors during the day and at some point, my sister and I wrapped some presents (I should say "attempted" to wrap presents - it took a lot more energy than I actually had to do the little that I did). I also remember that my life seemed very bleak and it was very difficult to forsee any better future. I was sick and tired and I could not visualize a day when I would't be. I was barely eating or drinking and nothing tasted good. I remember watching Midnight Mass at the Vatican on the tiny television set in my room. I was alone and tired, but could't sleep. I remember that Nurse Rose would come by every so often to check on me or bring me medications. There was an altercation at the mass and someone tried to attack the Pope. I remember being in total disbelief and telling Nurse Rose about it when she came into my room later on - I wasn't sure if she actually believed me at the time. (The Nurses were all aware of the hallucinations that I sometimes had as a side effect of the steroids). I tried to stay awake to listen to the choir, hoping that the sounds of Christmas would somehow make me feel better. I dozed in and out until I finally turned off the television - it was more distracting than soothing. It is strange what memories "stick" and which ones don't. It is strange that these are the things that come to mind when I think of Christmas Eve last year.

So, a year later and I wake up in my own bed in my own home. No, I am only living there part-time, but I am still "living" there. I drove myself to my own house in my own car - yes, I have a valid driver's license again. Oddly enough, I woke up this morning feeling rather "down". I had so many hopes for this Christmas season and it seemed as if none of my hopes had been fulfilled. I felt tired - deep down tired. I got out of bed and drove my car to the food store and took care of a few errands and then went back home and back to bed. I was still deep down tired. When I woke up, I was sort of annoyed that I had "things" to do. I needed to get ready for a party. At that time, I didn't want to do anything - and I really didn't want to go to a party. It was too much "work" to get dressed and ready to go be social. All of a sudden, the party and the holiday felt like an obligation and not something fun. The feeling was making me more tired and more down. After a while, I did get dressed and ready for the party. My parents drove me there (I am still not really comfortable driving at night). That was another thng that had me down - I had achieved my goal to be able to drive again, but my driving is still limited. I want to be able to drive like I did before the brain surgery and chemotherapy treatments! Well, after arriving at the party, my spirits were lifted. People were laughing and talking and eating and drinking and so was I. Somewhere between getting in the car to go to the party and the first fifteen minutes of the party I went from seeing the glass as half empty to seeing the glass as half full. No, my health and life and circumstances are not all that I want them to be, but they sure are a lot better than they were a year ago. I wonder what myself of a year ago would have thought of myself today? A year ago, I was very down (with good reason), but I could not even see the possibility of attending a party, eating good food (and enjoying the taste of it), holding a nice conversation, being in a social setting without worrying about "catching something". This morning when I woke up I had forgotten the rule that I have been trying to live by - the rule of "one day at a time". I was looking too much at the big picture and too little at the segments of the journey. It is odd, I usually would say that I see things more clearly early in the day. That is not so today. Today, it took me until this late in the evening to really see how far I have come on this journey and just how much I have achieved. Yes, I will spend the remainder of this Christmas Eve celebrating the differences between last year and this year. So many good accomplishments - so many good things to look forward to. No, my recovery is not complete - it may never be. But I have moved forward on the path. And hopefully, each day, I will move a little more forward. That is all I can ask for. Yes, I am truly fortunate. And yes, now I realize that today was a really good day - full of love and friendship and achievements and accomplishments. Well, it sounds like the mass is starting and I am hoping to hear the choir sing a bit before going to bed. I will watch Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican on the television in my parent's living room. Comfortably on the sofa as my mother sleeps in the chair. No nurses will check on me or bring me medications. What a difference a year makes! Merry Christmas to all.

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR - A YEAR LATER

On December 11, 2009, I rode in an ambulance and don't even remember it! Even knowing that surgery and another hospital stay is in my future, my December and beginning of the holiday season 2010 is WAY better than last years. As an odd coincidence, I spent part of today at Towson Town Center and I saw the Santa that I waited in line last year to have my picture taken with. I didn't bother this year - it was weird, I recognized him immediately and then the memories of what followed struck me. Yes, some memories are still buried, like the ambulance ride, but others - the needles, hallucinations, therapy, swallowing problems, learning to walk again, etc., yes, those memories are still fresh. But, today, instead of being admitted to the hospital, I woke up early, did some Christmas shopping, I had dinner with my parents, checked up on some friends on Face Book, chatted with my sister on the phone and am getting ready to climb into my very own bed in my own home. Yes, things are a lot better this year! Lots to be thankful for.

The "hip" thing

If you have been following the Blog, you know that my hip/leg has been bothering me. I have seen several doctors and finally had an MRI and have now consulted with two different orthopaedic surgeons. Well - I don't like what either of them has had to say! SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM. Okay, I am done venting, now it is time to take some action. Of course, the two doctors don't say the same exact thing - but the bottom line with any treatment is that I need surgery! I know, believe me, the last thing in the world that I wanted to have to do anytime soon was go back to the hospital and have surgery - no way. Well, I don't think that I have a choice. I am going to weigh the options and procedures; decide between surgeons and hospitals; and formulate a time-line and plan. I hope to have some decisions made and a plan in motion early next week. Details to follow. As you can imagine, I have gone between shock and anger, but at least I know that it is not cancer. So, good news. Annoying news, but good news too.

LOST AND FOUND

If you have followed by Blog, you know that I spent last Christmas in the hospital and just prior to Christmas, I was very very sick. Well, I had tried to prepare for Christmas and bought some presents in advance,etc. I put those presents away and told my family where to find them to prepare for Christmas Day while I was in the hospital. Well, late Christmas Eve, my sister discovered that I did not have a present for Hannah (who was 9 at the time). We remembered buying it and I thought that it was in a gift bag, but no one could find it. Bonnie and my parents looked everywhere, but no present for Hannah. Well, it was too late to buy anything and I had some cute pencils and pad of paper and I had my sister wrap them so that I would have something to hand to Hannah when she visited me in the hospital on Christmas. I was totally upset and frustrated over the whole thing - probably much more than I should have been. Hannah took it all in stride and was not overly concerned. I promised to make it up to her after Christmas, and eventually I did. Well, as these things go - I have been trying to get some organization in my house and am cleaning out some closets, etc. Low and behold, I found Hannah's Christmas gifts! I was so excited and was just positive that they were somewhere in my house. Well, they were hidden under a shelf in a coset and could only be seen if you were on the floor and looking into the closet. (That is actually how I found the box - I was crawling on the floor with the closet open trying to find something that I had dropped and thought that it rolled into the closet!) I know, a totally wacky story, but sort of a full circle kind of thing. I had been so frazzled by the lost presents and now I know that they were here the whole time - just not findable. The really cute outfit that I bought for Hannah back then will not fit her now, but it is more the principal of it.

Good News; Interesting News & Not So Good News

GOOD NEWS FIRST: My most recent brain MRI is good. No new lesions or tumors found, no changes since the last one. So, very good news. I saw my current oncologist (Dr. Suman Rao) earlier in the week and everything is looking good.

INTERESTING NEWS: On October 26th (yes, my actual 50th birthday), I had an appointment at Mercy with my prior oncologist (Dr. David Riseberg) - you know, the one who treated me for the first round of lymphoma back in 1999/2000. I missed my yearly checkup last year - I was busy having brain surgery, etc.! Anyway, it was odd walking through those doors and seeing him again, especially after all that I have been through. He had been consulted immediately after the brain tumor was diagnosed as cancer (lymphoma). I did not know this (but probably should have), but a person can only have so much of certain kinds of chemotherapy treatments in a lifetime and I apparently had the maximum amount of "CHOP", already. That didn't really matter because CHOP does not work for brain cancer anyway. There are also some rules about how much radiaton a person can have in a lifetime, but I have not needed to figure that one out yet, since I chose not to have the whole brain radiation at this time. Dr. Rao and my primary care physician had also updated Dr. Riseberg on my status throughout my treatment protocol. So, when I walked in the door, Dr. Riseberg was very happy to see me - walking, talking and alive! He knew what I had been through and was very pleased to see me doing so well. We all know that where cancer is concerned, a person is never "out of the woods", but it sure did feel good to be feeling good that day. I know it sounds a bit odd at this point in my life, but I am an ELEVEN (11) year survivor of the first cancer! No one can take those eleven years away from me - not the good or the bad! I am now a ONE (1) year survivor of the second cancer! (HMM - maybe I need to play some number 1's in the lottery:) In the past, when I would have appointments with Dr. Riseberg, I would bring him some home made cookies or some Berger cookies or some Rhebs candy - something to share with his team - the team that pulled me through the first cancer. This year, in honor of my 50th birthday, I gave Dr. Riseberg a box filled with origami cranes. I made each of the cranes myself and told him that I hoped that they would bring him a little joy. As some of you know, the origami cranes mean a lot to me and I have given them to nurses and other hospital staff and as favors at my celebration. I will publish the origami story again by separate post, just in case you have forgotten or missed the story. A special thank you to all of the health care professionals who have given me these last eleven years.

NOT SO GOOD NEWS: Well, some of you know that I have been complaining about hip/leg pain for the last two months or so. It was initially thought to be bursitis and was treated with steroids, but it didn't seem to help. Actually, the pain has worsened and I am beginning to limp. So, I had a hip MRI the other day and the results are a little worrisome. The good news is that it is NOT cancer. I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor early next week and will know more after that. It annoys me to even think of having yet another health problem - especially now that I am just beginning to get some normalcy back in my life! Yes, I am very very annoyed. But, as I have learned over and over again during my various health issues - I will take one day at a time. I can't do anything about this problem until I have all the facts and when I do, I will take the appropriate action. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Update to follow next week.

Reflections on Turning 50

Yes, I turned 50 on October 26, 2010. If you had asked me 20 years ago, what turning 50 would be like, I would have had a very different answer than the one that I have today. Back then, I might have said that 50 was old. Not now. Now I think that 50 is just a little bit past young and way way before old. Twenty years ago, I would have thought that at 50, I would know everything and have my life well planned and organized. Not now. No, I sure don't feel wise and my life is chaotic and there is no such thing as organization. But, today, I say, turning 50 is absolutely wonderful! It sure feels good to be alive and it sure feels good to feel well enough to celebrate. I, more so than some others, know that there are no guarantees of being alive from one birthday to another. And, I know that there is no guarantee that I will celebrate 51 or 60 or 100, and there is no guarantee that I won't either! I guess that is what we call "the uncertainties of life". I have been very fortunate in that respect. There have been quite a few "uncertainties of life" in my life. Some more uncertain than others. There have been more than a few times in my life that celebrating another birthday wasn't a "sure thing". Not just the major illnesses (non-hodgkins lymphoma; brain lymphoma; and the platelette eating infection and coma), but there were at least three other "near death experiences" from my childhood: (i) the time that I had a cyst on my ear drum that almost burst - when my mother got me to the hospital, they admitted me for surgery immediately and told her that she didn't even have time to wait for my father to get there before they started surgery; and (ii) the time that I stepped on a broken needle and it was in my foot for months until forming a giant lump and when a doctor finally removed it, he told me that he couldn't believe that it hadn't caused blood poisoning which would have caused me to die; and (iii) the time that I thought that I was drowning while camping and swimming in a lake (or some other such body of water) with the girl scouts. I probably was not really drowning, but it sure did feel like it. (FYI: Barbie pulled me to safety and I lost a shoe, but continued the camping trip and I had a great story to tell and retell for years afterwards!) I am sure that we can all remember a few "near misses" from our past - those times when a car "almost" hit us or that we were "almost" run over by a car or "almost" hit right in the head by a speeding baseball. Yes, I have seen my share of near misses and mighty close to death moments, but thanks to medical professionals (and Barbie) I am here and I am alive and I am just over 50 years old. Yes, I am thankful for every moment of these last five decades - the good moments and the bad ones. it sure does feel wonderful to be 50 - I just wish that I was a little wiser and a bit more organized!

No Whole Brain Radiation

Hi - sorry that I have not updated the Blog lately - let's just say, that life has gotten in the way. And, for the most part, that is a very good thing! Life in itself is a good thing. It is nice to be alive. "Having a life" is a good thing as well. It is nice to be back to some "normal" activities. But, as we all know, even the normal activities can be time consuming and stressful. For those who have not been updated, I have been rather busy - house floods, dear friend's wedding and reception, out-of-town guests, celebration, and lots and lots of doctor's and therapy appointments.

A lot of people have been asking, and I am sorry that it took me so long to let you know my decision, but after the consultation with the Radiation Oncologist, I wanted to consult with my Oncologist. Then, of course, the Oncologist sent me to see a Neurologist. So, eventhough my decision did not change, I wanted to be certain of my decision before broadcasting it to everyone. I have decided NOT to have whole brain radiation. It was a tough decision. So many risks involved on both sides. At this time, with the cancer gone, I am not willing to take the risks of having the radiation.

I will give you more updates later. But for now, know that all things on the cancer front seem to be going well - I will be having another brain MRI in late November.

For now "Go Ravens" and keep sending the positive thoughts and prayers!

FACE BOOK - A Good Thing and a Bad Thing

I have mostly thought that Face Book (FB) is not a good thing. Way too much information being shared with way too many people - most of which are not your friends! I do have a FB page. I joined a couple of years ago when a friend from high school, Class of 1977, one year ahead of me, was meeting with some other friends from the Class of 1977 for lunch. I went to the luncheon and had a nice time and reunited with a few old friends. All the women in the group had FB pages and wanted me to have one so that I could share some photographs from high school with them and then I could also view some of the things that they ad posted. So, soon thereafter, I joined FB and uploaded some pictures from high school, found some old friends and shared a few good memories. All of which, were the good things about FB. FB makes it to easy to share information and photographs with a large group of people all at the same time and that group of people can enjoy or ignore your information, at there own pace and time. It is also a nice way to find and connect with friends and relations from long ago or far away. We have all heard of some of the bad aspects of FB as well. There are those who use it to burglarize houses or spy on former friends and/or enemies. There is also a lot of people that use FB to promote themselves, their businesses, their political views and/or beliefs and agendas. I find it interesting how many people get hooked on the FB games - virtual farming and warring is all the rage in some circles. I also find it interesting to see which people are on FB all the time and which ones barely ever post to their page. I am sure that eventually, their will be syndromes named for all the various types of FB people. I have recently had a few good experiences due to FB. One, was being "found" by a friend from my old Northeast Baltimore neighborhood who now lives in Alaska. Yes, the young girl that I used to walk to the library with and buy ice ream cones with at the local Highs store, now lives in Alaska! I have not had any contact with her in approximately 25 years, so it was rather exciting and interesting to hear her story and know that she lives in Alaska. The other nice thing that FB did for me was reunite me with another old childhood friend from my Northeast Baltimore neighborhood. That friend has been struggling with health problems for the last few years and has also been fighting cancer for a couple of years as well. We conversed a little on FB and he mentioned that there was a neighborhood reunion coming up. I knew about the reunion and probably would not have attended - too much to do, too chilly - might rain - I had lots of excuses. Well, I attended only because my friend with cancer had checked himself out of the hospital just so that he could be at the reunion. After hearing that, all of my excuses seemed silly. How could I not attend? My chemotherapy treatments are over. I am feeling stronger every day. My friend has endured so much - surgeries and procedures and more surgeries and more procedures. It was bittersweet seeing him, he was not the young, handsome, vibrant, long haired hippy that I remembered from the neighborhood. He was now a 50 year old man battling cancer with all the side effects that come with each and every treatment. But his eyes shone with the same brilliance that I remembered from our youth. He was so excited to be there and to see me. He was so upbeat and had such a positive attitude that he seemed to glow. I am thankful to FB for reconnecting me with this friend. I guess that like all things, FB is good and bad.

Driving Test - Yes, I passed.

Okay, if you read the previous stink bug story, you know that I took the driving test and was rather nervous. After getting rid of the stink bug, I calmed down and parallel parked. Yes, I did it in 1.5 minutes (I was allowed 3 minutes) - smoothly and efficiently. I was very proud of myself. I performed the three point turn (or turn-around, as they call it now) and completed the remainder of the course. After that, we headed out to the open road and I even had to drive through a traffic circle (aka roadabout). I hate roundabouts! I did very well and I only lost 3 points throughout the whole driving test. (I know that I lost one point for failing to signal when pulling out of the parking space, but not sure about the other points). I was so excited to pass - I am not sure why I was so nervous. I didn't exactly do a happy dance in the parking lot, but I did flash a big thumbs up to my dad who was sitting on the bench waiting for me. I am so very happy to have some freedom back - it is very annoying to have to ask someone to take you somewhere - especially when your very own car that you are capable of driving, is sitting in the driveway staring at you!

PS: According to my dad, the grouchy examiner failed two people in a row! Glad that I didn't get him.

FUNNY STINK BUG STORY (Involves Driving Test)

So, I was a nervous wreck and was at the MVA to take my driving test. I don't know why, but I was super worried about the parallel parking. It was hot and me and dad were three cars back in the line and things were moving slowly. The air conditioning was blasting. Dad was getting antsy and we were watching as each Driving Examiner came out and took a person through the test. All the waiting ws making me a little more nervous. The first examiner was a rather large woman with a big, happy smile. I wanted her to be my examiner, but she wasn't. She did a quick check of the first car in line, got in the car and took off with her student. The second examiner was an older man with a totally grouchy look on his face. He stood outside in the heat and just looked mean. After a while, he took the next car in line and spent a super long time going over the car and checking it out. I thought that he was going to fail the person before even getting on the road. He never cracked a smile. I was really getting nervous now. I did not want him to administer my test. In the meantime, another examiner, a sort of heavy guy with a happy smile, returned from the course with a young girl. The girl was doing a little victory dance in the parking lot and her mom (I think it was her mom) ran across the parking lot and hugged her and the examiner and they all were so happy. Anyone nearby could tell that she had passed and was very very happy. The mom and examiner were all happy too. Well, I was sad. The woman examiner had not come back and I guessed that the happy guy examiner would take a break and I would get whoever came out next (or the grouchy guy would come back). Well, the happy guy went inside and we just sat there. It was probably only five minutes, but felt like an hour. Then the happy examiner guy came out and walked up to my car. He was very pleasant, checked that my dad was a licensed driver and then took the seat next to me to begin the test. He was friendly and nice and immediately put me at ease. He performed a quick check of the car and then we were heading down the course to the parellel parking. As soon as we took off, I noticed a bug out of my left eye. It seemed really big and it was moving along my left side window and IT WAS INSIDE THE CAR! I glanced over and realized that it was moving really close to me. I didn't want to interrupt the test, we had already started down the course, but I was afraid that I would crash if the bug jumped on me. So, I causually asked the examiner if I could stop. He looked concerned. I quickly rambled on about the bug and that it was crawling towards me. He said - "yes, that is a stink bug, get that thing out of the car, but don't crush it"! I quickly stopped the car and opened the door and shooed the bug out the window. After all that commotion, I was a bit nervous starting up again, but quickly calmed down and continued on to the parallel parking! Anyway, that is my funny stink bug story.

CONSULTATION WITH RADIATION ONCOLOGIST

Yes, another week full of appointments. Monday was the "big" consultation with the Radiation Oncologist. Many of you have asked about the consultation and I don't think that I have been able to give a good answer regarding the consultation. Mostly because it is all rather complicated. In short, this is the situation: The treatment protocol for my type of cancer (CNS Lymphoma) is chemotherapy (high dose methotrexate) and whole brain radiation ("WBR"). In my case, I started with surgery to remove the tumor, but that is not the "normal" for lymphoma. Apparently, the surgery was more to save my eyesight and stop the tumor growth and not to rid my body of the cancer. I am not certain that I ever totally realized that. So much happened so fast last October (yes, almost a full year ago). Those first few weeks after diagnosis are still a bit of a blurr! So, after the surgery, I started the chemotherapy treatments - initially 8, every other week (with the break in-between for the bacterial infection, pneumonia, coma, etc. (a/k/a Major Health Setback). After living through the 8 chemotherapy treatments and the Major Health Setback, I started the "maintenance" chemotherapy which consisted of 6 monthly chemotherapy treatments. All 14 of the chemotherapy treatments are now over (woo hoo!). So, as treatment protocol's go - it is now time for radiation and in this case, WBR. The problem with WBR is that it is controversial and could cause some rather serious side effects. On the good side, it could also give me a much greater chance of remission and survival. The Radiation Oncologist was great - really explained the different studies and reasons to have the radiation vs. the reasons not to have the radiation. The decision is now up to me and it is a tough one. As I promised my oncologist, I will make an informed decision. There are lots of reasons for and lots of reasons against the WBR - all too technical and way too deep to outline here. The bottom line is that each is risky and I have to decide which risk I am more willing to take. (A real conundrum for me - my friends would tell you that I am not a "risk taker" and these days, I have a hard enough time deciding where to eat lunch :). Although I am mostly against WBR, I want to consult with my oncologist and then I will make my decision. On the positive side, at this point, my body does not seem to have any cancer - so for now, we beat it! Update to follow. Keep sending me your positive thoughts and prayers - please know that they are appreciated and are working!

GOOD RESULTS - Recent Brain MRI & PET Scan

Well, good news. The Brain MRI and PET Scan that I had on September 9th and 10th, all came out with good results. Yeah! I have always like good test scores! Yet another good step towards recovery! So many appointments, so much going on, so much more to do, but things are moving forward and that is a very good thing!

CANCER SURVIVORS DAY AT FRANKLIN SQUARE HOSP

I had not intended to go to the Cancer Survivors Day event at Franklin Square Hospital Center ("FSHC"), but I wound up there anyway. It is a long and interesting story, but the short version is that I was out with friends for a special event and sort of wound up at the Cancer Survivors event by accident. My friends and I were out with Rev. Cheri Smith. She has been a good friend to me while in treatment and is also the Director of the Pastoral Care Department at FSHC. She had to be at FSHC at 2:30 pm and we were all in the same car. Suddenly we were running late and rushing to get Rev. Cheri to FSHC and I finally asked her what she was going to. When she said that she was giving the Benediction at the Cancer Survivors Day event at FSHC, I was surprised - not that she would be giving the benediction, but because I had actually known about it, but had forgotten all about it! Well, we drove fast and got Rev. Cheri there in the nick of time and then we stayed for the event. It was odd, when we entered, I was asked if I was a "cancer survivor" and I hesitated before answering. It was strange - I am not sure why I hesitated. At this point in my life, I am a cancer survivor twice over. I had the gift of ten years after the first diagnosis and although I have been in treatment since this second diagnosis, I have survived (so far!) these last 11 months. Wow - yes, I am a cancer survivor - twice over! The guest speaker at the event was a young man named Owen Applequist. Not only was Adam a cancer survivor - twice, but he was an organ transplant survivor as well. And he is only 30! He has quite an inspirational story and is a mountain climber - climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro 95 days after finishing his last treatment for non-hodgkins lymphoma (the cancer that I had the first time). The other interesting thing about Owen is that his climbs are fundraisers for different cancer related agencies - one that helps recent cancer survivors to mountain climb, kayak and do other "adventure" sports. [Note: Don't worry - he did not inspire me to climb a mountain - way too cold and strenuous for my liking]. As I told one of the Nurse Managers there, "I have no intention of climbing a mountain, but I think that making an origami dragon is in my future". I am very happy that I attended the event. Rev. Cheri's benediction was very inspirational as well. Sometimes the best days happen "by accident".

BUSY WEEK - Part 1 - Sore Leg/Hip

I have had a really busy week. The time since the last chemotherapy treatment has just flown by. This week was full of appointments and paperwork and some fun social stuff too. I am still feeling very fatigued and then I pulled a muscle or something in my leg/hip area and have been limping ever since. Sunday and Monday, the pain was very intense. I was really distraught about the leg thing - I just didn't think that it was fair for me to have pain and an injury when I am finally beginning to feel better from all the other medical stuff that I have endured. Rather selfish of me, I know. It is a lot easier to be upbeat and positive when feeling good. It is more difficult , but probably more important, to be upbeat and positive when not feeling so well! By Wednesday, my leg seemed to be getting better, but I mainly stayed off of it and rested. On Thursday, I started out walking well, but it went downhill from there. I had my parents really worried. I was limping and a bit wobbly and in a lot of pain. I know, I should have gone to the doctor - it is just that in my mind, I knew that it was going to get better, but I wasn't doing much to make it get better. Also, I think that there is that little bit of fear deep down inside that thought that the sore leg was somehow treatment or cancer related and I just didn't want the bad news. I know that I was being silly. I know that even if it was bad, I should have pursued a diagnosis - it is better to know bad news then to live with the fear of bad news. Again, a lot of things are easier to deal with and/or to know in retrospect. It is also very easy to give other people advise, but much harder to take your own advice. Well, my leg seems to be getting better and stronge each day. If it is not better by Wednesday, I will check with the doctor (I already made an appointment).

MUSIC THAT TRANSPORTS

I found a concert ticket stub while rummaging through some paperwork at my house today. The ticket stub was to see Dan Fogelberg in concert at The Capital Centre on October 16, 1981. The ticket cost $11.00. I was immediately transported back in time. I can remember being so excited to see Dan Fogelberg - I loved his music in the late 70's, early 80's. I was in college in 1981 and music was always a topic of conversation with my college buddies. I probably attended more concerts in that four year period than I have seen in all the other years of my life! I can picture the album cover for "The innocent Age" - it had a doll sitting in front of a tombstone in a cemetery. I loved that album. I played it over and over again prior to the concert. It was the kind of concert where it was just a guy with a guitar - I don't really remember, but am fairly certain that there were no fireworks or special effects - sure there was probably other musicians, but nothing memorable. I doubt that there was even a "costume" change. I remember sitting mesmerized listening to every word of every song. I also remember that the radio station that covered the concert played Fogelberg's songs after the concert - they knew that it took forever to get out of the parking lot at The Capital Centre and they would have a captive audience! There are various artists and certain songs that have great meaning in my life. I am sure that it has a lot to do with timing. The music of Dan Fogelberg will forever remind me of college. I know that Dan Fogelberg died a few years ago of cancer - I remember when I heard it, I was saddened. It was as if an old friend had died. At least the old friend left behind some great music to remember him by!

Funny Story - Engelbert Humperdinck

This is one of those stories that is funnier if told in person, but I wanted to share it anyway because it made me laugh. Hannah, my sister's 10 year old daughter, was visiting with my parents and I on Friday when the mail was deleivered. In the mail was a postcard advertisement for a concert in Atlantic City NJ. The postcard has a picture of the singer and his name on it. His name is Engelbert Humperdinck. Well, Hannah first made fun of the way that the singer looked and wanted to know who would go to see someone so "old" sing. But then, she kept trying to say his hame - over and over again, sort of accenting different parts of the name each time she said it. With each pronunciation, we laughed harder and harder. Well, I couldn't stop laughing. It really is a funny name. She kept saying "why would someone name their baby that?". She was very curious as to how one would know that Engelbert was a boys name! Anyway, I saw the post card again and just cracked up. Even in this day and age with the strange names of various singers and artists,the name Englebert Humperdinck is a pretty funny name! Go ahead, say it out loud three times real fast and see if it makes you laugh!

RECOVERY - Just the beginning

I know that this will sound crazy, but I woke up this morning with the thought that I would be perfectly well again (okay, it was a slim hope, but I did think it for a minute). I am a practical person and I know that I am not cured or completely recovered just because my chemotherapy treatments are over - I just wanted it to work that way! Well, That is the way things work in the movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels, but not in real life! I woke up feeling all the usual ways that I feel the first Monday out of chemotherapy - fatigued, a little disoriented, out of sorts, kind of sore all over, yucky mouth, weak, etc. I guess the real difference today, from all those other times, is that I know that in three more weeks I won't wake up on a Monday morning waiting for the call from the hospital to be admitted. I still have a lot of recovery ahead of me, but chemotherapy treatments are behind me and that was a real good feeling to wake up to this morning! I am sure thatI have lots of recovery ahead of me, but it is good to know that some of the worst of it is behind me. I just have to continue to focus on one day at a time.

FINAL CHEMO TREATMENT IS OVER!

It has been a long week - every moment in the hospital this time seemed like an hour. Everything went well and the nurses were great, it was just that I was anxious to be DONE with chemotherapy. And I am! I can not explain all of the feelings that are flowing through me right now - joy, happiness, fear, anxiety, and many many more. Chemotherapy is over, but there is still a ways to go before my journey to recovery is over. I will spend this weekend enjoying and savoring the feeling of happiness and completion and I will wait until Monday to think of all that I still have ahead of me.

As most of you know, the chemotherapy treatments started way back on November 1, 2009 (brain surgery was in October 2009). I have now spent most of all four seasons in chemotherapy treatment. I am anxious to enjoy the last few days of summer and am totally hoping to enjoy the Fall this year (most of Fall last year is very vague!).

I thank everyone for all of their support through the first two phases of my recovery - brain surgery and chemotherapy. Both phases were tough and I could not have done it alone, and luckily for me, I didn't have to. I also ask that you continue to support me in the remainder of my journey to recovery. I am hoping that the strength and knowledge that I have gained during the beginning of this journey holds fast and keeps me on the right path. I know that there are no certainties, but I also know that I will tackle every obstacle to the best of my abilities.

I will fill you in later in the week on some of the events during my hospital stay and keep you informed of my progress. Thank you all again and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Off TO CHEMO TREATMENT

In an odd way, I am excited. I want to get to the hospital, get my chemotherapy in and out and get home and put this entire chapter of my road to recovery behind me. I will give you an update when I return. Keep sending those positive thoughts and keep me in your prayers. Please know that I will do the same.

TIME FLIES BETWEEN TREATMENTS

I know, I had an additional week between treatments this time, but the time seemed to go even faster than usual! The fatigue was a lot worse this time, so I did spend a lot of time sleeping and napping and resting. But I also did a few really fun things. Over the last few weeks, I have caught up or visited with some good friends and family. I got out to lunch a couple of times and I went to a couple of dinners with various good friends. I saw a movie ("Eat, Pray, Love"), visited my sister and her family, visited my cousins and took care of some things at my house (some pleasant and some not so pleasant (the basement flood, etc.). I was also able to celebrate a friends 50th birthday. It was great to be part of such a good celebration - time to catch up with old friends, eat good food and share great conversations and some pretty good memories. It was really nice to feel well enough to attend the party and to be a part of all of the fun. I even danced a song or two!

I tried to cram as much as possible into the last few weeks - I hate being in the hospital for treatments. I also had to take care of the "other" stuff - doctors appointments, evaluations, bill paying, MVA paperwork, etc. BUT, chemotherapy treatments are almost over. Soon, very soon.

I'll be in touch again after treatment!

ANOTHER PRESENT FROM ANOTHER NURSE

I have to say, that all the nurses at Franklin Square Hospital, especially the chemo nurses have been exceptionally kind and caring to me. Of course, there is the occasional oddball or bad moment, but for the most part, absolutely wonderful nurses. Well, as per my prior blogs, some of the nurses have given me really special presents. I have probably forgotten to blog about all of them, but I know that I mentioned a few. Well, I received another present in the mail from a nurse and it was super special. It shows just how well some people listen. Nurse Joann happened to drop by my hospital room on the day that I had the origami breakthrough (previous blog) and I gave her one of the origami cranes and told her the story of how I wanted to someday make a dragon. Well, she must really be a good listener and have a super good memory. She found a "Mythical Creature Origami Book and Gift Set" and sent it to me! Can you imagine finding that and remembering that someone told you that she wanted to make an origami dragon??? Amazing. Anyway, the kit actually has a completed origami dragon in it. Too fabulous! I have been too busy with doctors appointments and getting my stuff in order to go back to the hospital for treatment next week, but I will be working on that dragon as soon as I can. I can't stop thinking about it. What a special gift and so very thoughtful! I have met some of the most wonderful people during this difficult time in my life. I will write more later - I have some other stories to tell before going back to the hospital. Keep the positive thoughts coming my way - the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter!

ORIGAMI CRANE - MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH

So, a lot happened during my last hospital stay and chemo treatment. One thing that happened, and in my little world was a major breakthrough. The major breakthrough was that I was able to make an origami crane. You know, a little paper bird that any 8 year old can make! Well, it is kind of a long story, but it was very important to me. Here goes:
A couple of years ago, I was going through some very stressful times (if I had only known then what I know now! That stress was nothing compared to the early part of 2010). My primary care doctor suggested that I take some yoga and maybe even learn origami to help with the stress. I did take a yoga class and I recommend it highly to anyone. I would be stressed out driving to yoga class trying to get out of work on time and get to class on time, but by the time I left there, I was full of peace and calm. It also helped my body be flexible. I also love all the funny names of the poses (downward facing dog; warrior, sun salutation, etc.).
So, then I decided to teach myself how to make origami. I bought a book from Barnes and Noble (on sale, of course) and wanted to make a dragon. Well, the dragon was labeled as difficult and was for a more experienced origamist (is that a word?). So, I settled on trying to teach myself to make an origami crane (a little bird) that I had seen children make and a guy that I went to college with used to make them in class all the time, so I figured that they must be easy. Sure - easy! Well, I should have taken a class and seen the crane made live and in-person, because it took me almost a full year to finally master making all the folds to form the crane and tons of crunched paper. Totally frustrating. NOT good for de-stressing. But, I finally did it and made a lot of origami cranes. They sort of became a signature piece for me - I would put them on gifts and attach them to flower arrangements with skewers and toothpicks, etc. Once I learned to make the origami crane, I could see why people said that it was relaxing. It takes total concentration to make the folds, so your mind is not thinking of a million other things.
So, when I went to the hospital for my first chemo treatment, I knew that I would have a lot of time on my hands and thought that origami would be a great way to spend my time and to relax during chemotherapy. I bought a new pack of origami paper and took the directions, eventhough I knew how to make it, I htought that I might need a refresher. My mom bought me this pretty little box to put my origami stuff in, so I was all ready. NOT! Well, the weird thing was that I could not make an origami crane. I tried and tried and totally frustrated myself trying, but could not make one. I guessed that it had something to do with the brain surgery and it really upset me - I was sure that the neurosurgeon not only removed the tumor, but also removed the part of my brain that was needed to make origami. For future reerence, NEVER ask your neurosurgeon if he removed the part of your brain that is needed to make origami - surgeons do not have much of a sense of humor - or at least mine didn't! Anyway, for the next bunch of trips to the hospital, my dad carried my box of origami stuff to the hospital each time that I was admitted and he carried it back home after being discharged from the hospital, just as empty of completed cranes as when I was admitted. I kept trying and trying until I just couldn't look at the box or a piece of origami paper again. If I had any sense at all, I would have asked someone to show me how to make it and maybe I would have done better, but it became a challenge and I had the feeling that if I could not make an origami crane again, I would never be "myself" again. I know - wacky! Way too much pressure on myself after all the medical stuff that I was going through, but it really bugged me. Well, I finally stopped carrying the box of origami stuff to and from the hospital and I pushed it to the back of the closet at my parents house where I couldn't really see it and be reminded of my origami failure.
I am not certain what made me dig the box out again, maybe just because I had been feeling better or stronger or because I just wanted to drive myself a little more crazy, but I tried again. Well, this time I got a little help from the world wide web. My neice and nephew suggested that I check YouTube for a video of someone making an origami crane and I did. You would not believe how many people have posted videos of themselves making origami! Anyway, I watched a couple of people make them (mostly weirdos with super calm voices) and tried again. It still took me a while, but I finally was able to make one before heading into the hospital. So, much to my father's annoyance, I dragged the box of origami stuff out of the closet and dad carried it to the hospital with us when I was admitted. The day after the chemo started flowing, I set up my area and started working on my origami. It took me a few pieces of crunched paper, but I finally got the hang of it on my own and made some pretty good origami cranes. I really impressed the nurses and care associates with my origami skill! I was so happy and proud of myself that I started handing them out to everyone. Well, I made about thirty of them while there and gave most of them away, but my dad was really happy to carry the box containing some completed origami cranes home with us from the hospital! I know that it seems like a small accomplishment, but to me it was a major breakthrough. Sometimes it is the little things that make all the difference!
A special thank you to the person who remembered how much I liked doing origami in the past and sent me an origami kit with fancy paper when I was first diagnosed and found out that I needed chemotherapy. I am finally able to use it - so what a great gift! PS: I am saving the dragon for after my treatments end - I am not going to jump from easy crane to difficult dragon just yet, but someday, I know that I will master the dragon! For now, I am very happy to be making cranes.

PRESENT #2 from Nurse

One of the chemo nurses came in to visit me on her day off because she realized that I would be in the hospital the week that she was not working. Nurse Karen has taken care of me a few times and we get along great and she will usually stop in and chit chat if she has a minute and fill me in or her daughter's wedding plans and her other daughter's hope to be a chef. Well, she made me a pillow case and cross stitched Tinkerbelle on it. She wanted me to have it on the day that I started my next to last chemo treatment because she knew that it would make me happy. She remembered that my routine when starting a chemotherapy session. After being admitted to the hospital, I change my clothes and usually start the day in my Tinkerbelle Pajamas (except once when I forgot them). Especially in my early chemo days, I would sometimes change them a couple of times a day, and if my parents took them home, they would wash them and bring them back for me to wear, because I I always start out with Tink. (My poor parents have more laundry to do when I am in the hospital than when I am not!). I don't know if wearing the Tink pajamas was intentional or not and it may have been something that I decided with my neice Hannah, we both like Tinkerbelle. But it has become my routine and Nurse Karen made me a matching pillow case to go with my pajamas. It is so adorable! She wanted me to be able to have it in the hospital while wearing my Tink pj's and getting my next to last chemo! It was so thoughtful and really well done - she is very talented. She even used sparkly thread around Tink's wings. So, when I go in for my August 23rd treatment, I'll wear my Tink pj's and carry my Tink pillow case with me!

PRESENT #1 from Nurse

During my last chemo treatment hospital stay, I received some presents (gifts) from nurses. I am a "regular" on the fourth floor of the hospital now and most of the chemo nurses know me. It is sort of like that song from the tv show "Cheers" - "where everybody knows your name". Although, I think that I would prefer if everyone knew my name when I went to a fine restaurant or bar and NOT at the hospital! Well, aside from the good care and chit chat that I usually share with the nurses (the night shift nurses are usually more chatty than the day shift ones), a couple of nurses brought me presents. One nurse, who always discusses food and the state of the Hamilton/Lauraville section of Baltimore (near where I live) brought me a really yummy breakfast bar/cookie that she said was healthy. I don't know aobut healthy, but it sure was good. She sells her baked goods at a farmers market in Lauraville and I think to a couple of restaurants and we have discussed it before. She was not even my nurse, but saw my name on the patient roster and brought me a treat. So nice! So yummy!

CHEMO SCHEDULE CHANGE - August 23 Next Treatment

Well, as much as I like to keep everything on schedule and as much as I want to get all of the chemo treatments over with, I have postponed the next chemo treatment by one week. I know, it is only a week, but it is still one more week of being "in treatment" vs. being "out of treatment". So, my last (hopefully!) chemotherapy treatment should begin on August 23, 2010. The good part is that I get an extra week of feeling good in-between - so yeah to that! If the doctor would let me, I would have that chemo treatment today and get it over with! That is the mode that I am in now - getting things over with - I can't wait.

I had blood work and a doctor's visit on Wednesday and things are looking good. The future plan is to get done the last of the maintenance chemo treatments, have some scans, and have a consultation with the radiation oncologist. I hate not having a more solid plan - this wait and see stuff really gets on my nerves. But, things are moving forward and that is a very good thing!

ANOTHER CHEMO OVER - HOPEFULLY, ONE MORE TO GO

I am resting comfortably at my parents house - was discharged from the hospital int he early afternoon. Yeah! Feeling well, but very fatigued. I'm sure that stepping foot outside the cool hospital into the heat wave did not help! Mom and Dad got me home quick and back into a cool invironment. Lots of interesting things went on in the hospital this time - I'll fill you in later. Please know that I am thankful for all of your thoughts and prayers and calls and notes of encouragement.

OFF TO TREATMENT

The hospital called and my bed is ready - you would think that I am staying at a four star hotel! Anyway, I don't want to go, but have to - at least it will be air conditioned. I will send some updates later in the week.

LIVING LARGE BEFORE MONDAY'S TREATMENT

Well, today is my last day of living large before going into the hospital for what I hope is the next to the last chemotherapy treatment. Last night I squeezed a real lemon in my iced tea and this morning for breakfast I had a vegetable omelette that included tomatoes. I also drank a big glass of orange juice - the kind with pulp and acid. The term "living large" has taken on a new meaning in my life these days. In my pre-chemo life, living large may have included fine dining in some Cindy Wolf restaurant downtown and a couple of glasses of expensive wine. I would order almost anything on the menu and never think about if it could cause mouth sores or acid indigestion. In my pre-chemo life, living large might have also meant having both an appetizer and dessert at a nice steakhouse and not thinking twice about the amount of grease in a blooming onion or the spicy rub on the steak. In my current "chemo treatment" life, living large means things like drinking orange juice and having lemon in my tea and not needing to only drink caffeine free tea. Oranges and tomatoes and spaghetti sauce and all things spicy will now be totally taboo in my diet. The good part is that I learned my lesson about eating healthy bland food immediately before, during and immediately after chemo treatments. The bad part is that I absolutely love food and all this bland eating is really boring. When these treatments are over, I may never eat a piece of chicken again! I also can't have a glass of wine, I am on so many medications that have warnings in huge print that say "DO NOT TAKE WITH ALCOHOL", that I am certain that a glass of wine would send me to the emergency room. But, to honor a friend and co-worker, and to feel like my old self again, I did sip some champagne at a retirement party last week. That was truly living large. Not only did I wear heels and went to a party, but I also ate all the yummy food and drank some champagne (well, less than half a glass), and mingled and chatted with co-workers and friends and had an absolutely wonderful time. Sad, but wonderful. I will miss the attorney who retired very very much! Wonderful in the sense of being with people that mean a lot to me and really enjoying myself and feeling really really well. I am looking forward to more days like that - no, not more retirements - I don't want to lose any more of my favorite people in the real estate group - I am looking forward to more fun times where I am feeling well and sharing good times with friends. Many times during the treatments I have had to be very careful about being in crowds and restricing my time with people, so just being able to be out and in a large group is living large. What a wonderful feeling. A special thanks to all of you who have helped me to live large during these chemo treatments!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY! Past Memories & Resolution

Wishing everyone a great holiday weekend!

Some special memories from past July 4th's:
(a) A long time ago, probably in the early 80's when in college, my friend Tom had a tradition to go to Washington DC to see the Beach Boys in concert on the Capital lawn and fireworks. Well, for a few years in a row, we did that together. When you are young and carefree, it doesn't seem like such an ordeal to pack a lunch, drive and park in Washington, DC and sit out on the lawn for hours waiting for some music to start. We would "bond" with the people planted on blankets around us and most would proceed to get really drunk and wild and crazy (and really loud) as the day wore on. At some point, there would be speeches and music and laughter and finally fireworks. Then, the real fun began - gathering your stuff and navigating the drunks and crowds to find your car and head into horrible traffic and go home - many hours after you left the house that morning - and by this time, a bit sun burned, starving and exhausted. What fun! I can't even imagine going through all that trouble to see a "free" concert and fireworks anymore! I guesss that is the real test of age - when young, nothing is impossible!

(b) About 15 years ago, I desperately wanted to go to Oregon Ridge to see the Symphony and fireworks. Well, I had broken my leg that winter and was still in a cast. It was a walking cast, so my friend thought that we could do it. So, we packed a lunch and blankets and we got to Oregon Ridge nice and early. It was super hot and we baked while sitting on the blanket and listening to the music and waiting for fireworks. Well, all of a sudden there was huge bursts of lightening across the sky. My friend go completely paranoid - she was afraid that the walking cast would act as a lightening rod and attract the lightening to us. She was so freaked out that we immediately packed up and tried to leave. Well, as we were navigating the crowds and moving towards the parking area, the sky opened up with a torrential down pour. We got totally drenched and stampeded with others trying to get to their cars and out of the down pour. We finally got to the car - I thought that I had probably rebroken my leg with all the people that ran into us and almost trampled on us on the way to the car. Anyway, we got to the car, soaking wet, and sat for hours trying to get out of the parking lot. (And I really needed to use the rest toom!). Well, to date, I have still never seen fireworks at Oregon Ridge!
(c) My friend Patrick's birthday was on July 4th. It is odd, but I know a lot of people that celebrate their birthday on July 4th. [Happy 50th birthday Brian W.!] It is like all of America is celebrating your birthday with you - or at least that is how I would view it! Anyway, one year, for Pat's birthday, a group of us went to a restaurant in Little Italy called Fisherman's Wharf - it may still be there, but at the time it was fairly new and super pricey. Well, we ate and drank and celebrated and at some point were planning to leave to head to the Harbor to see the fireworks. Someone at the restaurant told us that they had a balcony that would give us a good view and yes, it did and we all gathered on the balcony and watched the fireworks. It was one of those moments that just happend perfectly, we had not planned to watch the fireworks from the restaurant and had no idea how much fun we would all have. The fire works were great and Pat was super happy and it was a great July 4th. It is now a bitter sweet memory, because Pat died years ago at a young age. I have lots of great memories of Pat and I think of him every year on July 4th. I also think of him whenever I see fireworks - he loved them and they always remind me of him.

This year I am not going anywhere to see fire works in person. I would like to, but the heat and effort are all a bit too much this year. Maybe I will watch them on tv or maybe I will glimpse a few on the skyline from my parents patio. It is not really a priority this year. But, here is my first resolution for next year - I resolve to see fireworks in person somewhere fun (Harbor, Oregon Ridge, Ocean City, etc.). Okay, check with me on July 5, 2011 and see if I fulfilled that resolution.

I AM HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL # 4 of 6 over

Another long week in the hospital, but everything went well. Feeling a litle bit tired, but okay otherwise. Potassium and Magnesium were very low, but they poured some in through the IV (and gave me big gigantic pills), so think that is okay now. One of these days I'll get out of the hospital in the morning - they always promise, but I never get out until after dinner! Mom and Dad picked me up and brought me home and cooked a nice fish dinner and baked potato (to boost that potassium), so all is well for now and I am just resting. There was some things that I really wanted to do tomorrow, but think that I will abstain and stay out of the heat and regain my strength. I tried to keep up my exercises while in the hospital and do feel a bit stronger than when I usually get home - so that is a good thing. Nice to be home - can't wait to shower and sleep in my comfy bed! I'll send an update soon.

TIME FLIES - BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW

I really don't know where the time between chemotherapy treatments goes! One minute I am being discharged from the hospital and the next minute I am packing my bag to go back to the hospital. These last three weeks absolutely flew by - mostly because of so many different appointments - driving stuff, physical therapy, eye exam, doctors, lab work, etc. but also, paperwork and phone calls to insurance companies, etc. -talk about more draining than being sick! The other day, I spent about 35 minutes on the phone about a "final notice" sent by a collection agency, only to find out that the invoice had been paid in full by the health insurance company back in April! So annoying. Anyway, aside from a little bit of allergy related stuff (runny nose, watery eyes, etc.) I am feeling well and fairly strong. As much as i don't want to go to the hospital for treatment tomorrow, I am anxious to get one more over with! I keep writing lists of the stuff that I need to take care of between treatments, but I never seem to check much off of my list - there is never enough time! Hopefully after the next treatment I'll get to spend more time at my house and get it a little more ready to move back into. I also need to complete a few projects that I started months ago - I really need to complete something - I never seem to complete anything! I'll try to add something in the morning before I leave for the hospital.

IN APPRECIATION OF DAD ON FATHER'S DAY

My sister, her family and I took my dad to breakfast for Father's Day this morning. Dad has been a source of great strength to me during my illness. He makes sure that I take my medications on time and checks to confirm that I don't need any refills. He knows exactly when the pharmacy opens and closes! He also takes me to a lot of my doctors and physical therapy appointments - as you know, I can't drive, so "Miss Daisy" is my new nickname. Taking someone to an appointment doesn't sound like much of a problem, but I have so many appointments that it makes it all rather complicated. Dad navigates all the traffic issues and timing issues for each appointment and knows where all the closest parking garages are. But the real annoying part must be the sitting and waiting for me - sometimes (a lot of the time), the doctors keep me waiting well past my appointment time. Dad is out in the waiting room or wandering through the building waiting for me. Every now and then he loses track of where I am and begins a search until he finds me (everyone in the Treatment Center and at the Hospital knows him!). Anyway, a special thanks to my dad for being here to help me navigate this road to recovery and also for being a good dad all these years! A Happy Father's Day wish to all the dad's out there!

DRIVING EVALUATION - PART 2 - I PASSED, BUT ???

Well, you can probably already tell that I am totally frustrated. I passed the first part of the driving evaluation and at the end of the second part of the evaluation (which was the actual on-road driving part), I was told that I did very well and that I passed. So, I was so happy that I could burst with joy and then the driving therapist told me that she would recommend to the MVA that I needed 3 or 4 driving classes with a therapist (BTW - they cost $100.00 per hour!). Can you believe that - I passed, but still have to take special driving classes???!! She explained to me that I didn't just have a vision issue, but a brain issue and she felt that it was in everyone's best interest for me to take the classes and learn to be a better and safer driver with my disability. I didn't know whether to cry or scream! On top of the taking classes and the money, there is a timing issue. In order to fit the classes in-between my chemo treatments and into the therapists schedule, it means that I won't complete the classes until the end of August! At that point, she will still have to send all the test results and paperwork to the MVA - and we all know just how quick the MVA is! Oh, and on tope of that, she believes that the MVa will require that I retake the written and driving parts of the Maryland Driver Certification. Well, I am certain that that costs even more money and time, etc. I just can't believe that this driving thing is going to get dragged out for many more months - SCREAM!

I GRADUATED FROM PHYSICAL THERAPY!

It has been a banner week. I went to my last scheduled outpatient physical therapy appointment yesterday. I don't have to go back unless I need to. I am not back to my pre-brain cancer strength or endurance, but that will come in time (as long as I keep up with the exercises, etc.). Anyway, great to have one more set of appointments (and co-pays!) off my plate. PS: I loved the place that I had PT and really thought that the therapist was good - if you need a recommendation, let me know. Yeah, that is one more obstacle over with on my road to recovery!

DRIVING EVALUATION - PART 1 - I PASSED IT - YEAH

Well, finally, I took the first part of the Adaptive Driving Evaluation that I am required to take prior to the MVA deciding if I can retain my drivers license. By Maryland Law, I am required to notify the MVA regarding my license for two reasons: (1) the brain sugery is considered a "traumatic brain injury" and (2) any loss of vision must be reported to the MVA and I experience some loss of the peripheral vision in my left eye (due to the tumor and possibly the surgery to remove the tumor). My oncologist gave me a prescription for the Adaptive Driving Evaluation which initially consists of two parts. The first part was a series of tests to check my reflexes, multi-tasking abilities, vision, depth of perception, etc. It was much more difficult than I thought that it would be and all of the tests had to be done in a certain amount of time. Well, I passed the first part! I take the second part next week, which is the actual driving portion of the evaluation. After that, all of the data is sent to the MVA and they will make a determination to restrict or void my current license or to require additional testing and/or training, etc. Keep your fingers crossed - I am tired of being Miss Daisy. If I don't get to keep my license, I will not be a happy camper!

PICTURE OF MY SHAMROCK AVENUE ROSE GARDEN

WHERE DID THE WEEK GO?

I feel like I was discharged from the hospital just hours ago, not a whole week ago! Time out of the hospital just flies by. I didn't do much this week because I was feeling a little under the weather. I am getting some of my strength back and am not as congested. The doctor did a chest x-ray, and it was okay, so no worries of pneumonia. I just need to rest, drink fluids, take my antibiotics and get better. It is funny how a little congestion is such a worry when you have other issues (like a chemotherapy treatment schedule to keep). In my pre-cancer life, I would get a sinus attack or bad cold and take some over the counter medicines, rest a little and get better without any worries. Now - I stress over every cough and of course, even the thought of pneumonia is a nightmare thought. This road to recovery sure is full of interesting challenges and new perspectives on what is no big deal and what is not.
One really nice thing that I was able to do this weekend was that I was well enough to attend a surprise birthday party at Fogo De Chao for my friend Janet. Fogo De Chao is a churrascaria, also known as a Brazilian Steakhouse. I have been to a restaurant like this in New York City once, but had not been to Fogo De Chao on Pratt Street yet. It is an interesting concept - a giant "salad" bar containing salad fixings and smoked meats and cheeses. The salad bar itself was more than enough food, but there was also cooked, beef, lamb, and pork, etc. carried around on giant skewers by gauchos and sliced for individuals tableside. It was quite interesting watching all the skewers of meat be carried around the restaurant - sort of like a ballet of food. I am sure that all of the food was fabulous and I know that the meat was tender and juicy, but my taste buds are not what they usually are, so I can not be a good food critic right now. What I do know is that Janet has a wonderful famiily and group of friends that really love and respect her and that I was really honored to be invited to such a fun celebration. It was really a nice evening.

Post Chemo Weekend - A lot of fatigue and Congestion

I am not feeling that well this weekend. This chemo treatment really wore me out. Very very fatigued - no enery whatsover. Also, I am a bit congested - I think that it is an allergy attack, but will check with the doctor on Wednesday. Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! We always celebrate my sister's birthday on Memorial Day weekend, but since I was a little under the weather, we kept things quiet and inside - I didn't want to breath in any heat and/or pollen. I will update you on Wednesday after the doctor and lab work.

Schooners - October 14, 2009 5:59 pm

I was deleting some texts and pictures from my cell phone while having my chemotherapy treatment this time and came upon some picture messages that really had the memories flowing. I guess that having texts since last October is part of the reason that my phone works so slow! I was working in the office a little late on October 14, 2009 and had a bit of a headache. A group of attorneys with windows facing the Harbor walked around and mentioned that there were schooners in the Harbor and if we went around to the corner office, there was a really good view. Well, after looking from the window at the schooners and chit chatting for a few minutes, I thought that I would take a walk outside and maybe capure them on my cell phone and send them to my friend Dave (UPS driver with a downtown route) and maybe my nephew Ryan. So, I walked outside, crossed Pratt Street, went behind the World Trade Center, stood on the pier and took pictures of the schooners. I exchanged texts and pictures with Ryan and David for abour a half an hour (David could see them from where he was). I was going to stop at Panera Bread and buy a coffee, but was being frugal and thought that I would just have some free tea or coffee in the office. After that, I went back to the office with what I thought was a clearer head, and worked a few more minutes. I did make myself a cup of tea - that is a funny story for another time. Then suddenly I saw flashing lights before my eyes (yes - you have all heard the "detached retina self diagnosis story by now). Well, if I put this all in perspective, it was a good thing that I didn't pass out into the Harbor or along the promenade (my body may still not have been recovered! :) Or heaven forbit - spilled a four dollar cup of coffee on me in front of Panera Bread as I collapsed to the hard pavement. There is a couple of ways that I could look at this chain of events - the one being that I was glad that I stopped to smell the roses (or schooners as the case may be). Also, it is good to know that before the incident and trip to the Emergency Room, I was doing something fun and happy with my co-workers. I keep telling everyone how fortunate I have been - even though this brain cancer thing has been a really terrible ordeal. The schooners were a reminder of good fortune and pleasant memories that I had not thought about since it happened. I am not usually spontaneous like that - I am not sure why I as that day. I do know that I am happy to have enjoyed the schooners!

HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL - CHEMO 3 of 6 OVER

Well, although I got in the hospital early and chemo started off good and early - I was actually discharged from the hospital late! I just can't win with this system. I didn't get out of the hospital until after 5:00 pm, which caused my sister to be running late and we had to get Hannah to Girl Scouts and get me something to eat - so it was a whirlwind trip home from the hospital. But, at least it is over. My lab work was real good when I left the hospital, except for potassium - it has been very low all week. But again, they give it to me with all the fluids - so it goes right in and right out! Anyway, if you have never taken a potassium pill, you have no idea how gigantic they are - tough to swallow! I am tired, but feeling okay. I'll post more tomorrow. Thanks to everyone for their calls and positive thoughts and prayers, etc.

LEAVING FOR THE HOSPITAL!

They called early today - hope they can get started early as well! Feeling a bit stuffed up - think that it is allergies. Hope that does not slow things down. Hate to go, but want it over with. Catch up with you later in the week when I am discharged!

PICTURE OF LOVE AND PEACE ROSE

MOTHER'S DAY - IN APPRECIATION

Today is Mother's Day and I am very appreciative that I am fortunate enough to have my mom alive and a part of my life. Everyone has probably heard me complain about my mom and her over protectiveness or her obsession with food and eating and/or feeding people. Mom can also cause me to go from perfectly calm to absolutely stressed out in a matter of seconds. We all complain about the people that we love and I know that I complain about my mom, but I also know that I love my mom and that I am really lucky to have her. And of course, I don't just mean now, because I need mom to help me out during my illness - yes she has surely done that. But no, I appreciate mom for all of the years of my life and all the sacrifices that she made for me and my brother and sister. Mom is part of a different generation that didn't worry as much about their daughters being educated - the bigger worry with daughters is that they find a suitable husband. Although my mom has always worried about me finding a suitable husband (and she still is worrying about it!), she made sure that all of her children graduated from high school. My mom also encouraged us to further our education - Bonnie went on to barber school and I went on to graduate from college. Well, Tony is another story - let us just say that he became very street smart, ut he has worked in many different occupations - everything from construction to short order cook! Well - remember to give your mom a big hug today. I know that I will give mine a hug and I'll let her know just how much I love her and also that I appreciate her very much!

WITH DEEPEST SYMPATHY

I am saddened by the passing this week of my sister's friend, Connie, from brain cancer. Connie was one of the "school network" of friends that my sister has. The school network has been a wealth of great support to my sister and me and are responsible for lots of laughter due to the humorous emails that they forward. They have also showered me with prayers and good wishes, all of which are greatly appreciated. Connie's two children attend the same school as my niece Hannah. When I was first diagnosed with the brain cancer, Connie offered my sister compassion and advice. She had been fighting brain cancer for some time and had been through various treatments and knew how difficult some of the side effects were. She wanted to share information that would help me get through the treatments with less side effects. My sister had warned me of the horrible metal taste that could occur during chemotherapy long before I had ever experienced it, and thanks to Connie, I had some home remedies to help alleviate it. She shared a secret concoction of various over the counter medicines that was good for mouth sores as well.
I did not know Connie well, but had met her at a school function or fundraiser here or there. My sister kept me updated on Connie's battle with cancer and I know that my sister kept Connie updated on my own struggles. It may seem strange, but I felt a certain kinship with Connie - we were both traveling a path that neither of us wanted to be on. A treacherous path with an unknown outcome. Connie traveled her path not only for herself, but for her husband and two children. As with all difficult journeys, we both knew that the key was to keep moving forward, as best as we could. Connie was a strong woman of great faith and courage. Via my sister, she sent me some Holy Water, positive thoughts and good wishes and lots of encouragement. She gave my sister support during my major health setback during the holiday season. She helped my sister be hopeful, even when there didn't seem to be much hope. My body (with the help of faith, family, friends and medical professionals) overcame that major health setback and I have struggled with renewed determination to fight the cancer and someday be in remission. I know that Connie was also determined to stay on the path to recovery and remission and that her own faith, family, and friends were helping her. But sadly, Connie's cancer path had taken a bumpier course recently and I was deeply saddened to hear of her passing. I know that Connie was a woman of great faith and I am positive that she was welcomed into Heaven with a strong warm and loving embrace. I thank God that her struggles are over and wish her family and friends comfort during this time of grief. May each of us remember to celebrate Connie's life and the lives of those that she touched with her grace. I know that Connie's spirit and kindness will always be remembered by me and my family.

DRIVING

Today, I drove my car for the first time since October 14, 2009 - the day I left work feeling a bit odd and wound up in the Emergency Room and later in the wee hours of the next morning was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Maybe "drove my car" is a little bit misleading. What I actually did was back my car into the driveway from the front street. Really - I still have a valid drivers license! My first thought was "how %&*%& hot is this steering wheel"? I was not thinking that the car had been sitting directly in the sun for hours and when I put my hands on the steering wheel, I almost screamed. My second thought was "wow, this feels weird" and my third thought was "yeah - let's get on the road again (I am way sick of being "Miss Daisy")". No, I am not crazy (or a big risk taker), I know that I am not permitted to drive yet, and I won't. The car just needed to be moved out of the way of the mail box and it seemed like a good idea to get the feel of the wheel again. I am signed up for the Adaptive Driving Class in early June - it is more of an evaluation than a class, so after that, I will know what I need to do in order to drive legally (maybe nothing; maybe some classes or bigger mirrors; and maybe a big ordeal - remember that the MVA will be involved!). I am truly grateful for everyone that has driven me to appointments, stores, errands, and lunches, etc., but I really need to drive again. I had no idea how not being able to drive limits your freedom and independence. Soon - real soon!

I AM HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL # 2 of 6 over

Another week in the hospital, another chemotherapy treatment behind me. I am feeling very tired (which is not unusual), but aside from that and a new rash on my face, I am feeling fairly well. I am very glad to be home - it felt like I was in the hospital for a month! Will rest tonight and send some updates tomorrow. Thanks for all the positive thoughts, phone calls, etc.

ROSE GARDEN

As per a previous Blog post, I have always wanted a rose garden. Well, now I have one! Mom, dad and I went to Valley View Farms out in Hunt Valley and bought two rose bushes. (I wanted three but was afraid that my garden was too small). I wanted a Pease rose bush, but they only had a Love and Peace rose bush, but I got it. I didn't know when I would get there again and the Love and Peace looked almost like the Peace, so I grabbed it while I had the chance. I also bought a Judy Garland rose bush. A very nice lady who was also shopping for a rose bush (as a present, her rose garden was already full) helped me with my rose bush selection and said that the ones with the buds would probably bloom in a couple of weeks, so I bought ones with buds. She was really helpful and knew a lot about roses. It was such a beautiful day, I could have looked around for hours, but my parents were antsy to get on the road - traffic was horrendous going out there and we wanted to get back before any sort of rush hour. And of course, York Road is always under construction. We did walk through the pond area, and I wanted a fountain and statuary and a pond, etc. I didn't think that any of that stuff would fit in my less than four feet by four feet garden (or in my budget), so I settled on a small frog with big bug eyes. We did stop at the Amish Market for a quick lunch and a box of donuts and some fruit. Everything there is expensive, but it was all yummy. It was a great day to be out and about - a real treat before heading back to the hospital next week. I was fairly exhausted after the shopping and lunch excursion, so we just dropped the potted rose bushes off at my house for the night. Dad took me over there the next morning and luckily the garden was in the shade (I can't be in the sun because the chemo makes me super sun sensitive). Dad did all the hard work - raking up the mulch, shoveling out the hole, carrying the bushes, getting them out of the pots, etc. Mosly, all I did was decide which spot to plant them in and pull a few stray weeds (some gardener I am!). I did place the frog in it's new home in the middle of my rose garden. I took a picture with my cell phone and if I figure out how to upload it, I will. Maybe when I get out of the hospital next time, I will have roses blooming in my garden!

Note: If anyone has been to Sherwood Gardens to see the tulips (Jay?), please give me a status report. I think that I may have missed them this year and I will be in the hospital next week. :(

Walk Down Memory Lane

I got up early one morning this week (my parents needed to wake me on their way to Walmart at 7:30 am, so it was easier to just get up). I did some basic stuff around the house (made my bed and put my clothes away, nothing big) and did my exercises and then went to AC Moore with my mom and dad - dad needed a part for a clock that died (he spent more money on the clock part than the whole clock was worth) And then I went to White Marsh Mall with my mom for a little while. The physical therapist wanted to know if I could walk around and shop for at least 30 minutes, so I decided to do something that I had been thinking of while at the mall. I had found some black and white 35 mm negatives at my house the other day and all that I could remember of them is that they were from a photography class that I took in college (most likely from 1978 or 1980). The actual prints were lost in a basement flood years ago, so I couldn't really remember what they were, so I took them to RITZ to see if they could print them for me. What a walk down memory lane! Most of the pictures were weird stuff (eggs, bread, etc.) - maybe they were requirements or something. There are pictures of the Inner Harbor and there is no Harbor Place there. There is a picture of my dad and he is so thin with this goatee thing on his face. My mom and sister were super thin in the pictures also. There are also pictures of my cousin Tami and her brother Justin (maybe 10 and 8), they were so funny - Justin was in some kind of costume - I can't wait to show the pictures to them. Anyway, it was worth the money to have them printed, just for the laughs I have had. My dad has been going through a big box of pictures (old black and whites and polaroids) in his spare time. Some of them are hysterical - the hair styles are often the only indication of the time-frame of the pictures. Anyway, the photograph thing is one of my "to-do" projects and has been for about 20 years (yes - photographs and recipes overrun my house!). Some day I will put all of my photographs in albums in chronological order! SOMEDAY. And soon after that, I will put all of my recipes in one place. SOMEDAY. I guess that they are both projects for a rainy day. One would think that I could have been working on stuff like that in-between chemotherapy treatments, but it is mostly a logistics problem. The photographs, etc. are at my house and I am not. Moving them back and forth is way too confusing. And doing anything in the hospital is a nightmare. I tried to do Christmas cards and that got all goofed up - I barely sent out any and the ones that did go out probably had breakfast stains on them - not much room to work in the hospital. Well, I guess that I was not in as good of shape at Christmastime as I am now, so it was partially my fault. Well, I did try to get a little bit of the picture projectit done. The dozen or so black and white prints that I picked up at the mall are now totally organized in a photo album!. Small steps, sub maybe someday!
Anyway, to continue my walk in the mall story, my mom and I then stopped at Wockenfuss and bought some 75% off Easter candy and ate it while we walked around the mall. (So much for healty exercise) That was my excitement of the day. And yes, I did walk for over 30 minutes in the mall, but when we left, I almost couldn't make it to the car. My legs were like jelly. I totally overdid it! My parents were so upset with me - I had to climb the stairs one at a time to get in the house. I had to come home and collapse on the sofa. I feel okay now - just a little achy in the hips and knees. I guess that I am not giving up physical therapy yet!

PEACE PUPPY - PS: keep it a secret from Hannah)

My sister works late on Thursday nights, so over the years, my parents help her out with babysitting on Thursday afternoons. My sister's youngest child, Hannah is nine, but will be ten soon. Hannah spends Thursday afternoons with my parents (and me, now that I am living there) . My dad (Pop to Hannah) picks her up from school and she entertains my mom and dad and stays for dinner until my brother-in-law, Dave, her dad, picks her up (usually between 6:30 and 7:00 pm). Lately, Hannah and Pop have gotten into the habit of having pancakes for dinner on Thursday nights - it is some sort of secret bond between them - I have never been offered pancakes for dinner since moving in with my parents in late October - an omlette once in a while, but never pancakes! Hannah gets very annoyed that the hospital will not allow her to visit me on Thursdays when I am there - she is too young and it really makes her angry. She will usually draw or color a picture for me to take with me for my room, so that something of hers is there with me, even if she can not be with me. (My sister did sneak her in on Christmas Day, but it caused a huge uproar and we had to get the Charge Nurse to make a fuss, etc.) Due to Spring Break and the Easter holiday, Hannah has been visiting with us more than usual these last few weeks. On Wednesday, my sister and Hannah picked me up from physical therapy and we went on a few errands together. Hannah mentioned that she needed a Webkinz Peace Puppy for a gift for her friend Taylor's birthday slumber party on Friday night. Well, just in case you don't have a young child in your life, a Webkinz is a small stuffed animal that has a secret code that you log into the Webkinz website and play games and decorate rooms and all sorts of stuff. I only know this because my long ago fellow girl scout and classmate Barb brought me a Webkinz Penguin recently when I was in the hospital. When I brought it home, Hannah knew all about it and helped me to register it on the web and decorate a room for it, etc. and every now and then on a Thursday we log in and check out my Penguin buddy. I digress - back to the Peace Puppy. Apparently Taylor told Hannah that all she wanted for her birthday was a Peace Puppy and some scented pencils that they sell at the Hallmark Store called Smencels (or something like that). So, while running errands, we stopped at every Hallmark Store in a 10 mile radius and there was no Peace Puppy to be found. Hannah was very sad. She really wanted to make her friend happy with the gift of a Peace Puppy. By the way, none of us knew what a Peace Puppy was or what it looked like, but everywhere we went, we were told that they had sold out fast. When I got home Thursday night, I did an internet search and found that a Peace Puppy was a little white stuffed puppy with little peace signs all over its body. It was adorable, but unless I was willing to spend way to much money, I could not have one in time for Friday's party. Well, Friday morning I woke up determined to find a Peace Puppy. Hannah would be spending part of the day with us and I wanted to surprise her with it. I called about 30 different stores, gift shops, etc. and got the same story from each of them - sorry, sold out. I don't know what made me think of it, but I remembered that the Wockenfuss Candy Stores in the malls usually sold stuffed animals, so I broadened my search. Well, a nice lady at the Wockenfuss in North Plaza Mall said yes, she had a Peace Puppy and would hold it for me. I was jumping for joy (probably more excited than Hannah). One problem - I can't drive and mom and dad had some appointments and were not home. Hannah and I were on pins and needles waiting for them to get home and take us to Wockenfuss - both of us were afraid that someone would give the Peace Puppy to another customer. Well, we got there and it was waiting for us. Well, needless to say, as soon as Hannah saw it, she fell in love with it and wanted one of her own, but there wasn't another one on the shelf. Oddly enough, there was another bag with a Peace Puppy in it, but it was being held for another crazy customer who had called around looking for one. Before leaving the store, I gave the sales lady my phone number and said that if the other person didn't pick it up, would she please give me a call, because my neice's birthday was coming up and she really wanted one, but that the one we were buying was a gift for her friend. Although Hannah really wanted the Peace Puppy for herself, she had originally wanted it as a gift for Taylor and she was not going to change her mind. So, this morning, Hannah, Megan and Ryan (Hannah's older sister and brother) picked me up to take me to my house and to help me do a few things there. Hannah was leaving for the slumber party from my house, so she had the Peace Puppy all wrapped in a giant gift bag and pillow and her pj's, etc. with her. Her first question when seeing me was, "Did the Wockenfuss lady call?". I shook my head and told her that it was unlikely, but that I would try to find one before her birthday. She seemed sad for a moment, but then she felt happy because she knew that she had a great gift for her friend. Later in the day, my cell phone rang and I answered, eventhough the number was not familar to me. Well, it was the Wockenfuss lady. The other person no longer wanted the Peace Puppy and I was welcome to come and get it! Yeah - I have a Peace Puppy for Hannah for her birthday. Okay, I guess that this story sounds a bit nutty and you are probably thinking that I have completely lost my mind. Well, it is just that due to a strange set of circumstances and me having the Major Health Setback around Christmas time, I somehow misplaced Hannah's Christmas gift (which I know that I bought her and my sister was with me, so she can back up my memory on that one, but it has never been found!). So, when Bonnie and her family came to the hospital to visit me on Christmas Day and there was such an ordeal getting Hannah in the hospital and she hadn't seen me in so long - and she knew that I was really really sick for a while and then I didn't look so good when she did get to see me. And then, on top of everything else, I didn't have a present for her (because of course we didn't realize it until that morning and where on earth do you get a good Christmas present on Christmas morning when you are in the hospital, etc. ). Not that the lack of a Christmas present ever seemed to matter to Hannah - it clearly upset me more than it upset her. I think that I gave her a small box of crayons or hair accessories or something, just to be able to hand her something, but it really never seemed to bother her and I still have not made up for the missing gift - I actually just remembered it. So, there it is, my three day obsession with finding a Peace Puppy and the happy ending, that not only did Hannah get to make her friend happy, but I found a Peace Puppy for Hannah too and she will get that surprise on her birthday. Wow, what a happy way to end the week!