Memories and Milestones - 6 and 16

It is October again!  Where has the time gone?  When I was going through treatments or feeling poorly, time went by so slowly.  Now, it seems to be just flying by! So, today, I had my annual checkup with Dr. Riseberg - my first oncologist.  It has been 16 years since I was first diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  WOW.  I probably don't really need to go to Mercy to see him each year, but I just feel better knowing that I am following up.  I didn't see Dr. Rao this month, I now only go in February, but the 16th would have been 6 years since being diagnosed with the CNS Lymphoma.  WOW, again.  After my appointment at Mercy today, I walked up to Charles Street and went to a few local places.  Walking around downtown makes me feel alive and a part of the City that I live in.  It felt good to "shop local".  I bought some nuts from The Peanut Shoppe on Lexington Street - I used to go there with Grandma Rose.  I bought a very expensive brownie from the Poupon Cafe - it is a sister company to Patisserie Poupon that is near my office on Pratt Street - there is a cheese cake memory that goes along with the place, so it was all sort of nostalgic for me.  I also went to a new store called Streets Market & Cafe and bought a couple of clementines.  I used to go to that area when I worked at Hopkins Plaza, but back then it was a Super Fresh.  It felt good to walk around downtown.  I also walked through the rose garden outside of Mercy Medical Center and looked at a statue that I had never really noticed before.  All good stuff. Even the shuttle bus ride to and from Mercy was enjoyable.  All in all, a great day and some good memories and milestones!

National Cancer Survivors Day 2015

So, today is National Cancer Survivors Day.  The National Cancer Survivors Day Foundation defines a survivor as "anyone living with a history of cancer from the moment of diagnosis through the remainder of life".  So, yes, I am a cancer survivor!  I guess that I have know about this special day for years, but it never really meant a lot to me until the last five or so years.  I am not sure why - I think that after recovering from the first cancer, I just tried to forget about the cancer stuff and be "normal" again.  And then, lucky for me, it was years before the second cancer reared it's ugly head (no pun intended, since it was brain cancer).

Off and on these last few years, I have been involved in Cancer Survivor Day functions at one of the two hospitals where I was treated (Mercy and Franklin Square).  A few years ago, Franklin Square had a real nice event that I attended and there were various activities and a photo booth and I had a nice photo of myself taken with Rev. Cheri - it was a good time.  Last year, mom joined me at an event at Mercy Hospital.  There was a guest speaker and some health care professionals spoke and all the survivors that attended were given a bag of goodies and treated to some refreshments.  Today, I had planned to attend this years event at Mercy Hospital, but my day got complicated and I never made it to the event.  At first I was really sad and disappointed that I could not attend, but then I thought about the reason that I missed it and I was really happy.  So, here is the story of what I did today:

I decided to stop by the St. Anthony's Festival in Little Italy as soon as it opened today at 11:00 am.  I like the festival and did not make it there yesterday, so today was the last chance.  It was a beautiful day, the weather was cool for this time and year and the sun was shining.  My plan was to stay at the festival for about an hour, walk around, play a few wheels, donate some money to a good cause, maybe have something to eat - at least some fried dough - and then head home.  There was plenty of time to get to the event at Mercy Hospital at 2:30 pm.  When I got to the festival, the minute I walked down Exeter Street and saw the first wheel, I ran into an old family friend and she ran over to hug me and tell me how happy she was to see me.   And then came the big question, "Is there any way that you can stay and help - we have an extra wheel and no volunteer is here to run it yet"?  Sure I said, all the time thinking that I would hang out for an hour and be on my way.  Well, I was manning the "Italian Food Basket" wheel and before I knew it, a few hours had flown by.  I couldn't believe it, between spinning the wheel and engaging with the crowd and handing out prizes and collecting the money, I had not realized how quickly the day was going.  I had not even stopped to eat or drink.  Well, I did finally take a break and had some great food and a much needed lemonade (and yes, I ate the fried dough that I had wanted all along), but they still were short handed, so I had a big decision to make.  Do I stay and man the wheel or do I leave to make the Cancer Survivors Day event at Mercy?  It was a tough decision, but in the end, I realized that the decision was easy - I needed to stay, because what I was doing was exactly what Cancer Survivors Day is all about  - I was LIVING.  I was doing a normal activity and I was enjoying life.   Isn't this what I survived for???  In those few moments of reflection, I realized that I had been standing in a small booth, handling money, talking to strangers, using my arms to spin a wheel, handing out food baskets, and all without even thinking of any ailment or disability.   I inwardly shouted "I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR AND I AM ALIVE"!  I know, it would have been far more dramatic if I had shouted it out to the world, but I kept it to myself.  At that point, I knew that I was making the right decision.  Yes, I would have enjoyed the speaker and I would have enjoyed being with others who had been on a journey much like the one that I had, but mostly I know that I enjoyed leading a normal life thanks to being a cancer survivor.

After I got home and recalled the events of the day and the missed event at Mercy, I thought of some of the things that I wished for when I was in treatment or too weak to walk or function or when my blood counts were so low that I could not be around people or outside or do anything.  I remember seeing Ron Matz do an interview on the news about the St. Anthony Festival in Little Italy while I was sitting in a hospital bed receiving chemotherapy and I remember thinking, that I wished that I could be outside and at the festival and oh how I wished that I could eat some spaghetti sauce (not eating tomato sauce is really tough on someone Italian when going through cancer treatments!).  I remember reading in the paper that volunteers were making ravioli for a fundraiser and I wished that I could be one of those volunteers.  I remember hearing that my friends were out and about at nice restaurants or cookouts and wishing that I could be out and about as well.  And here I was, today, out and about, eating tomato sauce, engaging with people on the streets of Little Italy and I never once thought about having cancer and being sick.  I only thought about attending an event.  WOW - Life really is good, and it is good to remember that - especially when you are a cancer survivor.

My final thoughts of the day go out to a couple of friends that I know who are currently battling cancer, one being my age and one not too much older.  You both fit the definition of survivor at this point, but I am sure that it does not mean much to you as you go through treatments and deal with all the side effects and look in the mirror and see a person that is not quite you looking back.  I don't have any magic pill to offer or a crystal ball to tell your future, but I do want to offer you my encouragement during your struggles.  My wish for both of you is that one day, Cancer Survivors Day will find you with too many choices of how you spend your day!

This one is out of order! GOOD NEWS - I CAN DRINK PLAIN WATER AGAIN!

As some of you know, one of the lingering side effects to the Major Setback was that my throat was swollen/iritated (or something) and I had swallowing problems. (A lot of people who have strokes and or in ursing homes have this problem).

FIVE YEARS!

It has been five years since the brain cancer diagnosis!  Just saying it out loud is rather amazing - there were moments that I never dreamed that I would be here in five years.  It is easy now to take it all for granted, the bad memories have begun to fade.  The treatments and surgeries and recoveries are mostly distant memories now.  Even my check-ups are only once every six months.  I have come a long way!  I guess that the biggest reminder is that I do not live that life that I used to live.  The hardest thing for me still is that I never was able to go back to work.  I am a bit disappointed in myself on that account, sometimes I feel as if I did not try hard enough.  I am also disappointed in the way that I now spend my days.  I don't feel that I have accomplished much in the last five years, aside from getting well that is, and I did work very hard to get well.  My days are very busy, but not as meaningful and purposeful as they used to be when I worked.  I have done some volunteer work off and on.  I enjoy volunteering, but I have not found something that engages me yet.  Again, maybe I have not tried hard enough to find more fulfilling volunteer work. When I can, I try to be helpful to my family and friends.  I help out with school pick-up for my sister's youngest daughter once a week and sometimes I help her out with other things that she does not have time for.  For a while during the summer, I was making "big salad" lunches for her kids on the day that I did summer school pick-up.  That was kind of fun.  I have also become the queen of chicken salad - I seem to always be making it for someone!  I also help my parents with rides to appointments and paperwork and cooking dinners, etc.  One of the "blessings" of my illness and the time on my hands has been that I have been able to "be there" for my parents when they need me.  They are not getting any younger and both of them have had a lot more health issues these last years.  I am fortunate to have the time to devote to them when they need it.  I have also been able to drive a friend or two to a doctor appointment when needed.  I am not fond of highway driving, but I can do it, so it makes me feel good when I can help out my friends and family with needed transportation.

Aside from working, the other thing from my before brain cancer life that I truly miss is the enjoyment of reading.  I always loved to read and could lose myself in a book for days.  I would sometimes have "lost" weekends because I was so involved in a book that I would read the whole thing between Friday night after work until Sunday night when I had to go to bed again so that I could get up for work the next morning.  I have been trying to read more.  I mostly read the newspaper and magazines, but I have been trying to read more books.  I find that the shorter, less involved ones are best.  I have read a few books for teens and they seem to go well.  I can't get through mysteries or any of the fantasy literature stuff that I used to love so much - I lose track of the characters and the twists and turns of the plots too easily.  I recently read a humorous biography which kept me interested.  My former physical therapist gave me a used NOOK and it has encouraged me to read more.  I have always loved reading cook books and recipes and that I still do all the time.  It is one of my favorite past times.    

I find great enjoyment in cooking and baking - both have always been passions of mine.  I recently baked the "survivor" cookies that I baked last year for my friend who survived breast cancer.  I also decorated some Halloween cupcakes, just because I wanted to.  A few weeks ago I was on a quick bread binge - pumpkin bread and pumpkin muffins and banana bread all in the same week.  I seem to make the spaghetti sauce for the family much more than I ever used to (mom's is still better) and when I can think of something new or interesting to cook for, I'll try it out on mom and dad.

I started this blog post this evening because I couldn't sleep and that reminded me of all the times when I was sick that I was up in the wee hours.  I am fortunate that most of the time now, I do sleep very well.  Not certain what is keeping me up tonight, but maybe I just needed to put some of my thoughts on paper.  I will end this post with my hope for future posts.  I hope that I have more accomplishments and less disappointments to post about.  I hope to continue reading, more and more.  I hope to find more fulfilling ways to spend my time and I hope to be able to post many more milestones.

I end this post the way I began it, FIVE YEARS!      

FOUR YEARS!!!

For the last few days, I kept thinking that I was forgetting something important, but just wasn't certain what it was.  October is always a busy month and this one seems to be flying by already.  Although still recovering from left shoulder replacement surgery, I am feeling fairly well and have been keeping very busy.  Earlier today, I had dinner with my parents, my sister and two of her children.  After getting home, I baked some ribbon shaped cookies and decorated them in pink to give to a friend that is a breast cancer survivor.  As I was heading to bed, something was nagging me, but I wasn't sure what.  I looked at my calendar to see if I had missed something and all of a sudden, it dawned on me - this is the week - four years ago - that I went to the ER and found out that I had CNS Lymphoma.  FOUR YEARS AGO!  Part of me feels as if it happened yesterday and part of me feels as if it is some distant memory, as if in a bad dream.  I think that I would have realized what week it was over the weekend, if Bonnie and I had gone to the Catoctin Colorfest.  We didn't go because the weather was so rainy and we were sure that it would be very muddy.  Bonnie and I were at the Catoctin Colorfest in October, 2009 - we had a good day, but Bonnie kept mentioning that I was running into people.  When we got home, I fell getting out of the car, but we laughed it off - just Debbie being clumsy.  Little did we know.  When I look back at those next few days, I can see the signs - the extreme headaches that didn't go away  being totally agitated and short tempered.  I was extremely busy at work and had a huge deadline looming, so I just didn't see the warning signs.  I blamed it on too little sleep.  There were real signs my last day in the office.  I was livid with the commute when I walked into the office.  The car next to me was edging towards me and I almost hit a curb trying to avoid it.  I remember complaining about it when I got into the office.  The headache just wouldn't go away, but I had work to do and kept doing it.  Late in the afternoon, schooners were sighted in the Harbor.  I went to Kevin's office to look out the window at them.  Right then I decided that I needed a closer look and went outside and walked over to the Harbor.  While watching the schooners, I sent a text message to my friend who worked near there to see if he had seen the schooners  I also took some photos on my cell phone and sent them to my nephew.  I then walked back to my office, crossing major roads, navigating security doors and elevators and went back to my office to work some more.  I have recounted the "rest of the story" so many times that I don't want to repeat it here.  After various events, I wound up in the ER at Franklin Square Hospital.  I thought that I had a vision problem, but instead, I had a brain tumor.  In retrospect, that day was probably one of the worst days of my life.  A lot has happened in the the last four years.  I have lived through some horrible experiences, but I have also lived through some fabulous experiences.  The part of all of this that I will hold close to me as I climb into bed tonight is that through it all, I lived.  I am a fortunate woman.

Another Surgery Tomorow

Well, the other shoulder has gotten worse and now I need to have it taken care of.  Tomorrow morning I will have surgery at St. Josephs Medical Center/University of Maryland (or whatever it is called now) to do a total shoulder replacement on my left shoulder.  It has been just about 1-1/2 years since I had the right one done and have known all along that I would need this surgery.  If it is like the last one, the worst part is all the physical therapy.  Also, I am not looking forward to not being able to drive again!!! My only hope is that this one will go quicker since it is my left shoulder.

So, what have I been doing leading up to the surgery.  Well, with all the record high temperatures, I have been sweltering.  Aside from that,  I have been mostly cleaning my house, catching up on my gardening and doing paperwork - I needed to get done everything that needs two hand to accomplish!  I won't be able to make origami or crochet for quite a while.  I did get to have lunch/dinner with a few friends in the last few weeks and of course, and it is always fun to catch up with friends over a meal.   I also made some chicken salad for my family.  Sometimes I think that "chicken salad maker" is all that my family thinks that I do anymore!  :)  I will miss cooking and baking during my recovery - it is difficult to cook or bake with one arm.  Although, in all this heat, I have not been cooking or baking much.  Hopefully, I will be able to type with one hand, so I will give everyone an update in a few days!



 

Sometimes Dreams Do Come True - Cataract Surgery at 52

I was a bit shocked last month when the opthamologist told me that the cataracts that he had been monitoring had gotten bad and that I needed cataract surgeries on both eyes.  I wanted to sream, I could not believe that I needed another surgery and really couldn't believe that at 52, I had cataracts.  I have never wanted any sort of eye surgery.  I would not even have my vision corrected all these years of ever worsening vision - bifocals and transition lenses.  I was not happy, but not wanting to drag it out all summer (and some concerns about health insurance), I scheduled the surgeries for May 1st and May 15th and they are both now over.  I have been through some really rough surgeries, but for some reason, the eye surgery was freaking me out.  I never had my vision corrected, even though I had super terrible vision since I was in 3rd grade, because I never wanted anyone to touch my eyes.  The brain cancer was super upsetting because it affected my vision - I think that the vision issue was harder to deal with than the brain cancer itself.  Unless you are missing peripheral vision (or wearing an eye patch or some other obstruction to vision), you have no idea how much less your vision is.  It has been almost 4 years since losing my left peripheral vision and I still walk into things (Read on to hear about most recent crash later in this blog:).  Well, although scary, both cataract surgeries went fine.  The first one seemed really easy and the second one was more difficult and a bit more painful.  Although in the grand scheme of things, cataract surgery was not painful at all.  The needle for the IV was probably the most painful parts.  The constant eye drops are stinging and uncomfortable, but not really painful.  After each surgery, my face did look a bit bruised and there were some dark circles under my eyes.  Because of my terrible near sightedness, the two weeks between the first and second surgery were rather difficult.  With one eye seeing well and the other eye barely seeing at all, it was a real mess.  Driving and reading were somewhat impossible.  Distance views were okay - I could watch tv, etc.  Computer work, reading and anything with detail was almost impossible.  I lived the two weeks with weird arrangements of one eye closed while wearing glasses to be able to read with the other eye then removing the glasses to cover the other eye to see distances with the newly operated on eye, etc.  It was a wacky way to see!  But, the end result is that I can not see very well with both eyes, well EXCEPT for the reading part.  After spending every day since third grade wearing super thick glasses (and mostly hating every minute of it), I now only need glasses to read or view things close up.  It is an awesome feeling to wake up in the morning and be able to see the clock without reaching for my glasses!  It is also really great to be in the shower and reach for the shampoo or soap or anything and know exactly what it is and where it was sitting instead of guessing and feeling around to find something.  More than once, I have washed my hair with liquid soap because the bottle was the same shape and size as the shampoo bottle.  I had not realized how, over the years, I have gone through my morning rituals partially with memorization - I knew where things were, so I knew where to reach for them.  Without my glasses, I could only see large shapes without details, so staying in hotel rooms or other people's houses was always a bit disconcerting.  It is hard to explain to someone who has always had good vision.  Waking up that first morning after the second eye surgery was very strange.  Without moving, I could see everything in the room - without reaching for my glasses, I knew what time it was.  I can finally get rid of that super giant clock in my bedroom.  It was a great feeling.  When I was little and would dream, I would always dream of myself without glasses.  I guess in a weird way, one of my dreams has come true.  I know that the on and off of the reading glasses is going to take some getting used to, and we all know that I am not big on change, but I believe that this is going to be a very positive change in my life.  I guess that I can't say "no" glasses, but I can say "no, all the time" glasses!  Dreams sometimes do come true!  

Musical Walk Down Memory Lane

I don't often look at Youtube or videos or other music sites, but today on my Facebook page was a post of an Elvis song and I clicked on it.  It was Elvis singing "If I Can Dream" from the concert where he wore black leather.  The song was moving, especially after the events since the Boston Marathon bombings last Monday.  After that, I decided to look at a video of David Bowie's new song.  The video was quite odd - artistic, but odd - totally David Bowie. From there, I looked at some of my favorite David Bowie songs (Space Oddity, Starman, Oh, You Pretty Things, China Girl, etc.) and then I was linked to Freddie Mercury and the portion of the Queen Concert at Live Aid - wow, what memories.  Seeing Freddie Mercury command the audience was amazing.  I remember seeing him in concert all those years ago.

All that music stirred all sorts of memories - I had forgotten how music can do that.  Elvis, David Bowie and Queen were all sounds from various stages of my youth.  Although those days seem so far away, listening to the music made me feel as if it was yesterday.  Music can have such power.  Today, it made me happy.  It also made me reflect.  I reflected on different times in my life.  Music has always played an important role in my life.  It was the show tunes loaded onto my second hand I-Pod that got me through all the in-patient methotrexate chemotherapy treatments.  All those nights when I couldn't sleep, I would listen to songs from Cats and Evita and Wicked and Dream Girls and Nine and lots of others.  Those songs gave me comfort and strength and escape.  I could escape from the pain of my treatments and the pain of my situation.  It is funny, during my periods of hallucinations, I had a sudden realization of the meaning of some rock songs - I especially thought that I could finally understand David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.  I always loved that album.  I still love the music, but it does sort of remind me of my hallucinations.  I just wish that I cold have used them to make beautiful music!  Another period of my life that a certain type of music was important is during my divorce - I would get up at night and play country music and bake.  It is funny, I still like to bake with the country music blasting.  I don't know a lot about music, I don't understand what is difficult or easy and what is great music and what is fluff - I only know what I like and don't like and what moves me.  I think that I will pull out some old CD's and revisit some more memory lane by way of music.

Disappointed - Lance Armstrong

I am sure that I am not alone in my disappointment of Lance Armstrong.  I watched the first part of the two part interview with Oprah tonight and heard him admit to "doping" or taking banned substances during races.  I am angry at myself for believing in him so much.  I guess that I really wanted to believe.  He fought cancer so bravely, I just wanted to believe that he fought to be a great sportsman the same way.  I can't imagine his life now, after his fall from grace.  It must be very difficult to have been so high up on a pedestal and to fall so far.  I don't know how he can look people in the face again - people that he lied to all this time.  I also don't know how anyone will ever believe anything that he says again.  I hope that he somehow does something positive with all of the negative.  For a while, I wore a Livestrong bracelet - it was given to me by someone at Mercy Hospital because my cancer story and survival from CNS Lymphoma resonated with her - she had lost her dear brother to the disease.  Lance gave so many people hope.  I guess that we should still look at it that he survived, he just didn't live honestly in other aspects of his life.  This disappointment will weight heavily on me for a while.

Chicken Noodle Soup "Cooking Class"

Today, my 18 year old niece Megan and I made a pot of chicken noodle soup.  Megan loves chicken noodle soup and has been asking me how to make it for a while.  She sent me a text last night asking if I could teach her to make it today.  I was not prepared and had to go to the grocery store this morning to buy just about everything needed to make the soup, but I am glad that I did.  Honestly, I did most of the work - chopping the veggies, simmering the chicken, watching the pot, making the noodles, cutting up the cooked chicken and adding it back to the soup, etc.  Megan cut up at least one carrot and stirred the pot once or twice, but I guess that she was taking it all in.  I think that the soup turned out well and she took a bowl with her and I delivered the remainder of the pot to my sister Bonnie, so that the family could have it for dinner.  After she left, I poured the small container of soup that I had saved for myself in a bowl and took this picture before I ate it.  I am thankful that I am well enough to have done this today!  Hopefully, Megan will always have this special memory of learning to make chicken noodle soup.  I know that I will.

Milestone and things on my mind

Well, the milestone is that in August, it was two years since my last chemotherapy treatment!  Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times, it feels like a million years ago.  It is a great milestone.  I saw the oncologist and all of my blood work and scans were fine, so all good news.  I still have joint issues, but that is manageable for now.  I do my shoulder exercises every other day and hope that someday, the operated shoulder will stop hurting.  I know that the other shoulder will need surgery sometime in the future, but I will make sure that is in the very distant future!  I have been very fortunate and I am very grateful for the freedoms that I now have and the fairly good health that I now have.  I think that the only thing or things that make the good news less good is that I don't feel as if my life has moved on and away from the cancer the way I would have liked it to do.  I think that it has a lot to do with not having gone back to work.  I feel as if I am still living a sort of "in-between" existence and I keep waiting for my real life to start up again.  I don't particularly like this day to day life of not having any goals or deadlines.  My daily tasks are now rather mundane and totally unfulfilling.  I have taken to cooking a lot - it makes me feel as if I have accomplished something.  It is weird though - I feel as if my cooking has gotten bad - nothing seems to come out "right" or really good anymore.  And the oddest part is that I have so much more time to cook, so it should all be better.  Strange. I am working on taking a class and I may join a gym or fitness class.  I need to do more things to help the days feel more productive.  That will be my new goal - to make my days more productive.

Update on Recovery after Total Shoulder Replacement Surgery

I don't know what happened to January - one day I was celebrating Christmas and the next day it was February 1st! For benefit reasons, I decided to have my shoulder surgery sooner than later, so I had total shoulder replacement surgery (on my right shoulder) on February 3, 2012. I was a little apprehensive about the surgery, but I tried to not think of it much. The surgery day was sort of an ordeal, I got bumped from the first surgery in the a.m. to a noon surgery and then after surgery, I was in recovery until after 5:00pm - my poor parents were freaking out! All went well (we think) and I have been recovering at my parents house. The first few days were very rough and then things eased up a bit. I was not able to get my arm up to the computer or use the mouse until this weekend (and it is still an effort). So far, I am only permitted to do some small gentle stretches and can't pick up anything heavier than a fork with my right arm. But here's the rub - I can pick up the fork, but I can't get it up to my mouth!!! :) Needless to say, I am eating just fine with my left hand - not much keeps me from eating. That said, on Saturday, I got some sort of stomach flu and was sick in bed all weekend. After all that, my whole body was so sore, that I didn't even notice the pain in my shoulder! :) I see the surgeon tomorrow (first pre-op appointment) and once they determine that the replacement parts are in the right place and healing properly, I think that they will send me to physical therapy. I have been told that the pt is grueling - I will need to get back range of motion and strength (most of which I lost prior to the surgery). I am kind of sick of pt - I have had more than my share of it these last few years, but I know how important it is and I will work hard to get good motion back. The other arm will need surgery in the future, but I don't even want to think about it - I am not spending all of 2012 recovering from surgeries! PS: Someone told me that there is a video of a shoulder replacement surgery on YouTube, but I chose not to watch what was being done to my body - some things are better not dwelled upon!).

All else with me is good - aside from the stomach upset, I have been feeling well and keeping busy. Now I am kind of bored - there are a lot of things that I can't do with one arm - especially driving. I don't know why I keep paying car insurance - I can't drive more than I can!!! Today, I directed my dad in how to make chicken salad - I had cooked the chicken and froze it before I went into the hospital, so we pulled it out of the freezer and while my mom worked, my dad chopped the chicken, parsley, celery and mixed it with the spices and mayo so that we could have it for lunch - too funny - working in the kitchen with my dad is an odd "bonus" of all these illnesses/recoveries. We bake a great apple cake together too!

My sister and Hannah dropped by and took me to Panera Bread for a bowl of soup as a surprise (I had the cream of chicken with rice - yummy) - it was nice to get out. Mom and Dad joined us. It was a quiet, casual affair. I was craving a Linzer Cookie, but they didn't have any. I was actually surprised that they didn't seem to have anything special for Valentine's Day. Oh well, I will have to find my Linzer Cookie somewhere else.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! I know that a lot of single people don't like Valentine's Day, but for the most part I have always liked it. I do remember a few single years when it seemed as if everyone in the office, but me, received a big bouquet of flowers or candy or a singing telegram. I also remember friends and co-workers coming in after Valentine's Day with their stories of romantic dinners and even engagements. I guess that some of those times were sort of depressing, but I actually always like the holiday. Something abut all the bright reds and pinks during the dreary part of winter - something to help get over the doldrums of winter. I know, this year, Baltimore really hasn't experienced the doldrums of winter, but we usually do! And yes, I understand all the complaints that it is a holiday designed to sell greeting cards, candy and flowers - but really, are those things that bad! No one is telling people to go out and mortgage their house to buy a Valentine's Day gift! I know, like all holidays and celebrations, people have gotten carried away with the gift giving and the hopes and dreams related to the holiday, but the sentiment should be the real thought - letting someone know that they are special really should be all that is needed. Okay, I guess that I could do with a few less lovey dovey Hallmark Movies, but for the most part - all the romance in the air (and on tv) are pretty nice.
So, whatever your love-life status is, enjoy the day, enjoy the sentiment, lighten up a little or at least just enjoy the bright colors of the holiday! Happy Valentine's Day.

"Red Solo Cup" and other stuff on my mind

I woke up kind of down. Another surgery ahead of me. Heading towards yet another annoying medical test. Uncertainty about benefits. Thinking of some friends who recently had family illnesses and other bad things to deal with. Anyway, I was feeling blue and rushing along and I switched on the radio and heard a fairly new country song called "Red Solo Cup". I believe that Toby Keith sings it. Well, it was such a simple song and sentiment, but I found myself smiling from ear to ear and after a few moments, I was singing along. "Red solo cup, I fill you up, let's have a party!" Too funny. Well, it cheered me up all day. Sometimes it really is the little things that can make or break your day. Laughter truly is the best medicine sometimes.

Random Thoughts and Happy New Year!

2012 - WOW! These last couple of years have not been my "best" and 2012 hasn't started off great. After getting back from New Years Eve in Atlantic City, I caught a terrible cold - it started in my head, worked its way down to my chest and now it is upsetting the stomach! I am beginning to feel better though - I just feel bad that I am wasting all these good days being sick - and I only have so many good days before surgery! Aside from the surgery, I know that I will be facing and some other not so happy happenings in my life (like maybe not having benefits soon), but for the most part, I can't complain. Well, I really could complain, but choose not to. Instead, I will mention some of the things that have happened recently that were good things. I am in a sort of "stream of consciousness" mode, so these are random thoughts in no particular order:
Everyone in the family has been sick lately - cold/flu/congestion stuff - I was able to make chicken noodle soup and deliver it to Bonnie for her family and to my parents and also had some for myself. I don't make the "best" chicken noodle soup, but it is homemade and has lots of fresh ingredients - so it is probably healthy and hopefully helped everyone feel better. Although, Hannah did tell me that you have to eat Lipton Noodle Soup from the box if you want to cure your "sick throat". I also heard that my mom mixed my homemade soup with a box of Lipton soup - if you believe it helps, I am sure that it does. Probably all the added salt! I mention this as a "good thing" because even with my memory issues, the shoulder issues and pain, I was still able to make soup and deliver it to my family. It is one of those things that makes me feel good - it is also one of those things that for a long time, I couldn't have done at all - other people had to make soup and bring it to me!

As I mentioned earlier, I spent New Years Eve weekend in Atlantic City with mom and dad. I have been before and it isn't my first choice of things to do, but it was nice and I spent time with mom and dad and I know that mom really wanted to go. Unfortunately, dad was getting sick on the way there and spent most of the time in the hotel room coughing (and keeping me and mom up). I don't think that he had a very good time and we were all exhausted, but we did try to enjoy the trip! The weather was so warm that I was able to walk on the Boardwalk and even walked on the beach for a short distance! Mom and I walked to a few of the stores on the Boardwalk the one day - that was a pleasant surprise - especially in late December to be able to walk around outside with only light jackets on. (HMM - maybe that is part of the reason that we were all sick!) The dinner/dance on NYE was very fancy, but it is not the best fun when you are at something like that with a bunch of strangers. The brunch the next day was really delicious and even Dad joined us. I ate way too much!

I have been able to help Bonnie off and on by picking Hannah up from school these last few months. I torture Hannah by getting out of the car and waiting on the school steps for her - she complains that I am supposed to sit in the car like all the other parents, but secretly, I think that she enjoys the added attention. I try to bring her a healthy snack - usually a Granny Smith Apple when I pick her up. She is always hungry and that way I don't feel guilty for giving her more junk food.

Bonnie and I baked over 1,000 Italian Cookies this year. I don't know where they all went - I barely ate any and they are all gone. We had to make some to have for Christmas dinner at Lynda and Dave's house and we did give some away, but there were a lot of cookies and they all disappeared! I also made 3 or 4 batches of pizzelles and there is only a small can of those left. Again, where did they all go! I am glad that Bonnie and I continue the tradition. I like to joke that she even made me bake cookies on my death bed. I actually love to make them, but I don't think that she really enjoys it. The kids never want to help anymore, so I don't know if they will continue the tradition or not.

There are lots of other things running through my head right now, but I think that it is time to try to sleep. Sleep has been a bit elusive lately, but maybe now it will work.

Good Things

I thought that I would reflect on a couple of good things that have been going on and/or happening in or around my life. They are in no sort of order - sort of rambling thoughts, but here goes:

Today, I met a friend in Little Italy for lunch. I had forgotten just how good Chipparelli's salad could be! There was a nice crowd and happy atmosphere - most people were festive and in the holiday spirit. My ravioli were delicious and the home made bread was crusty on the outside and soft on the inside - just the way it should be. A good meal and good conversation. Well worth the effort of getting downtown!

I was given an early Christmas present of tickets to see The Lion King at the Hippodrome. I took Hannah and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. I have always like the musical and this production lived up to my expectations - good singing, good dancing and the puppetry was wonderful. It was nice to spend the one-on-one time with Hannah. She is growing up so quickly. She loved the animals - especially the giraffes "on stilts" and the hyenas. She also loved that our seats were in the front row of the balcony and that we were able to go into the private Lexus lounge during intermission. It was a great night and hopefully, a memory that Hannah will always cherish.

I had a really good day yesterday - it really put me in the Christmas spirit (even if the temperatures around her are in the 50's!). Early in the day, my dad, Bonnie and I met at St. Michael's to see Hannah play a lamb in the story of the birth of Jesus. It was just a bunch of school kids, but hearing the story and singing the Christmas hymns really made it feel like the holidays. Afterwards, Bonnie, Hannah and I had a quiet lunch at Friday's and then went to take cookies to Joyce and Brian's house. Joyce's house is so warm and inviting, we just chilled and chatted. Her grandbaby, Hunter, was there and we all enjoyed visiting with him - such a beautiful and happy baby. The house was decorated beautifullyand the Christmas tree was perfect. We munched on some delicious cookies - Joyce made Red Velvet Cookies with Cream Cheece Ising - I had never heard of them, nor had them before, but they were really good. Bonnie and I had planned to do so many things that day, but what we did was the best - we visited with Joyce and Brian and Hunter and each other. We relaxed and enjoyed the company and conversation. It really was a great way to spend the day. I realized something important today, sometimes you just have to stop and enjoy the moment and the company of others - that really is what the holidays are supposed to be about!

Another Glitch In The Road To Recovery

I have had a lot of stuff on my mind lately and have almost blogged a bunch of times, but I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts onto the computer. Not sure why, maybe for good reasons - been sort of busy living my life. Yes, that is a good reason. Not that my life has been all that interesting, but I have been living it! I am living in my own house and I am finally done with physical therapy (for now that is) and I am trying to regain some sort of normalcy and routine.

For the most part, I am doing very well. Still no signs of cancer. Yeah - I smile every time I think of it. I have come a long way since October, 2009. A long, long way! The hips have healed fairly well - I still have a lot of groin pain in the left leg/hip, but I am walking and going up and down stairs (although slowly), so I really can't complain. The orthopedic surgeon thinks that the groin pain is "normal" and that my body is still getting used to the foreign object - namely the fake hip. I'm not sure if I believe or trust his judgment on this one, but for now, I am giving it more time and trying not to complain about the pain too much.

Other good things that have been going on - some personal successes - I walked in the Race for the Cure in October - I only walked one mile, but I was pleased with myself for participating. I only went on a bus trip to New York City. That was a great accomplishment - something that I have wanted to do for a long time and was not sure if I had the strength and stamina for New York, but I did just fine. Of course, I had to take things a bit slower and I did run out of energy more quickly, but it didn't stop me and I was able to keep up with my friends. I saw a Broadway play - another accomplishment - I have been wanting to see a Broadway play since before I got sick. The best part about the trip is that I felt like I was doing something "normal" - something that I would have done in my pre-brain cancer life. It was a great feeling. I had a wonderful time and it made me long to go back. I can't wait to go to NYC again.

As for the shoulders, well, they are what is giving me sleepless nights these days! The 8 weeks of physical therapy really helped with getting me some more range of motion and strength - I can now pick up a full coffee cup with one hand! But, the pain is still there and sometimes it is pretty intense - especially when I sleep. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, my arms (usually the right one, but sometimes the left one as well) are completely locked and each movement is jarring pain. Once I get them moving, the pain eases up, but those first few minutes are not at all pleasant. The good news on the shoulders is that the joint bones have not had any "significant deterioration" since the last x-rays and those were more than two months ago - so that is good. The bad news is that the problem will only get worse and that I need to have the surgery, it is the when to have it that is the problem. The orthopedic surgeon is leaving the timing up to me - his feeling is that I will know when the pain is too much to handle. The bigger problem is me - I don't want to have the surgery - not now, not next month and really not ever. I guess that is the glitch! I hate it when I really don't have any options. This whole illness (or series of illnesses, has been that way. I never seem to have any options - well, I guess I do have options - I can fight each issue or I can just stop fighting them. For the most part, I know that I will take the practical route and have the surgery sooner than later - it really will be best. The more I put it off, the worse my shoulders will get and the more I will dread it!

On that note, I am going to bed. I will think about the surgery more tomorrow. I promise to blog about something interesting or fun next time. I have had a lot of interesting stuff swimming through my head - I just need to jot them down.

Baking Disaster/Realization of Blessings

Yesterday started off well, I woke up early and without much pain. Mornings are rough, my left hip and groin are still bothering me and rolling in bed is rough on my necrotic shoulders. Even with the first chill in the air, I still felt better than usual at that time of the morning. I only had one task that was important to complete and no appointments. So things were looking good - all the physical therapy appointments are beginning to wear on me. I had planned to bake an apple cake and had bought the ingredients the day before. My sister called and told me that I didn't need to bake a cake - Megan had decided that she wanted to bake her own cake - she was going to try to make it look like a 3-D monster truck. My sister asked, that if I didn't mind, would I make the buttercream frosting, that way, Megan could focus on the cake. I didn't mind, I had already bought the ingredients for the icing and buttercream frosting is fairly simple and I have a stand up mixer, so it would not be hard on my shoulders. So, my only time-sensitive task of the day was to make some buttercream frosting and deliver it to my sister by 3:00 pm and it was still before 9:00 am. On a whim, since I didn't have a cake to bake and I had plenty of time on my hands, I decided to make some apple turnovers with the apples that I had bought for the cake - I had actually purchased some pre-made pastry crust because it was on sale, so the turnovers should be a fairly simple task. Well, as I cored and peeled and cut up the apples I realized that it was more work than I had remembered and I was beginning to feel tired. All that "arm work" was beginning to bother my shoulders and all the standing was taking a toll on my hips. Then I realized that I had spent far more time than I would have thought doing this first part of the turnover process. It was almost lunch time! Well, my mind began to race, I knew that I still needed to make the icing, but I still had plenty of time. Next I wound up fighting with the pastry dough. First it wouldn't come out of the wrapping and then it kept tearing as I tried to fill the turnovers with the apples. I had only gotten two turnovers completed when I was ready to break down and cry. The turnovers were a mess - lots of tears and apples spilling out everywhere. They were the strangest shapes and looked as if they would burst before I even got them in the oven. At that point, I realized that I was not even half-way done, I still had a bowl of chopped and spiced apples, that cost me a fortune and I didn't want to go to waste, I had not eaten lunch yet and I still had not made the frosting. I started to panic and then the phone started to ring and I was getting totally frustrated. If I were not so frugal, I would have dumped everything in the trash and called it a day. I just couldn't bear to waste those beautiful and expensive apples that I had spent to much time coring and peeling and chopping. I finally got a grip on myself and realized that the turnovers were just not going to happen that day, and I used the last round of pastry crust and filled it with the remainder of the apple mixture and formed a sort of "free-form" tart in a pie plate. I popped the two totally disheveled turnovers and the tart into the oven and started cleaning up all the mess that I had made. It seemed as if I had used every bowl and spoon and knife in my entire kitchen. The clock was now against me and I still had not eaten lunch, nor had I made the frosting! I stopped the cleaning up and made the frosting. I put it in the refridgerator and went back to the dishes and clean-up. I got the messy turnovers and tart out of the oven, I changed clothes and gathered some stuff and went to the car and drove to my sister's and went in and realized that I had all sorts of "stuff", but I didn't have any buttercream frosting - it was still at home in the fridge! I almost sat down and cried. I culd barely talk to my sister. She offered to go to my house and pick it up, but I felt that I needed to complete the one and only task that I had set out to do that day. I got back in the car and drove back to my house, the whole time chastising myself, and then I got caught up in school bus traffic and was even more angry at myself for not realizing that it was that time of the day. I finally delivered the frosting to my sister and got back into my car - if there were not so many people around, I think that I would have sat there and cried. I was so disappointed in myself. I used to be able to multi-task and problem solve - especially when it came to anything in the kitchen. The pre-brain cancer Debbie would have thrown out the first bad attempt at a turnover, made new pastry from scratch and prepared more turnovers. The pre-brain cancer Debbie could complete more than one task in a given day, she would have made the turnovers, made the frosting, eaten lunch, and a dozen other things and still would have delivered the frosting on-time and the pre-brain cancer Debbie wouldn't have walked out of the house without it and even if she did, she wouldn't have fallen apart over the mistake, she would have just moved more quickly and gotten the job done. I was suddenly hating myself. I ws totally frustrated and angry at myself. How could this be happening to me. How could this tiny baking disaster that started out on a whim turn me into such a mess! When I walked back into my house, I threw myself in a chair and tried to calm myself down. I still had a lot of mess to clean up and I still had not eaten lunch. And on top of everything else, I had two messed up turnovers and an ugly attempt at an apple tart sitting on my counter cooling and all they did was make me sad. Just as I was about to break down and cry and/or scream, I realized that my house smelled wonderful. The aromas of warm apple and cinnamon and nutmeg drifted through the air. The day was chilly, but my kitchen was still warm from the oven and that smell was just mouth-watering. It was then that I started to calm down and put things in perspective. It was that smell that made me realize that even the post-brain cancer Debbie was a pretty lucky woman. Just to be alive and standing in the kitchen and able to bake - even if it was a bit of a disaster. Able to walk and drive and function, even though I have some limitations. Able and alive! What did I have to be frustrated or angry or upset about. I was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts and gratitude. Thoughts of all of those friends and neighbors and family members that were not as fortunate as I - who are not able to have a baking disaster; who are not here to smell the wonderful aroma of an apple turnover and tart baking in the kitchen or feel the warmth of the oven on a chilly day. I thought of how very fortunate I am to be able to do a favor for my sister - it was not that long ago that she would not even have thought of asking me to do anything for her, even something as simple as making buttercream frosting. It was not that long ago that I was not able to drive myself anywhere or even have the energy to get in and out of the house. I was suddenly sitting in my kitchen, basking in the warmth from the oven and the delicious aromas coming from my apple concoctions, and I was smiling. I realized that I have been too caught up in who and what I used to be and I had forgotten to be thankful for who and what I am now. The turnovers and tart have been eaten, the kitchen is again chilly and I can't even smell a hint of cinnamon or apples in the house, but the memory of my baking disater and the realization of my many blessings will linger deep in my soul for a long time. I know that just being here in this moment is a blessing and I am grateful for all of my post-brain cancer days - the good ones and the not-so-good ones. I have been truly blessed and sometimes I just need a little nudge to help me remember that.

Summer 2011 - Summer Camp

I was shocked to see the date this morning - how can it be the end of August? Where did the summer go? I had so many plans for this summer and not many of them have happened. So as not to dwell on what I didn't do, I thought about all the things that I did do. One group of events stick in my mind the most. Hannah (my 11 year old niece) has spent a lot of time with me this summer. I have sort of been a "captive" audience. Since having yet another surgery, I have not been out and about much this summer. So, Hannah has come to visit and sleepover a lot at my parent's house while I have been there recovering. Hannah is a joyful child and full of energy. There is never an idle moment with Hannah around. Immediately after surgery, when I couldn't do much, we would read together or play games or watch tv. I can only take so much of the Disney Channel shows - all that screaming, but Hannah also loves some other stuff. She loves to sing the phone numbers from the commercials - the Stanley Steamer and Next Day Floors phone numbers are two of her favorites. She also likes to make fun of some of the actors and/or shows that come on - mimicing them or calling them names. If we see a commercial for "The Closer", she screams "the turtle is on". Hannah thinks that Kyra Sedgewick looks like a turtle! She watches the classis western station with my father and now can sing ot hum the theme songs from "The Virginian", "Wagon Train" and "Gunsmoke". She knows all about Oprah's last season and a lot about Dr. Oz as well. Mom always had control of the television between 2 and 3 and then again from 4 to 5. Now that Oprah is over, Hannah loves "Walker, Texas Ranger". Two episodes come on most days! We don't only watch television. Sometimes we watch movies - some recent movie nights were "Sweet Home Alabama" and the "Big Momma" shows. Hannah loves the really stupid comedies and laughs and laughs. When I was able to go out between surgeries and recoveries, Hannah and I went to the theatre to see a couple of movies. We saw "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" and just recently, we saw the final Harry Potter movie. We saw "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2" in IMAX and 3-D. It was rather expensive, but we both loved it.

We have also done some more normal activities - she has helped me go to the grocery store or Target - I still can't bend, so she can reach for stuff on the low shelves. Sometimes we cook or bake together. We recently made a cheese cake - most of which Hannah ate! She likes to cook and bake to a certain degree - she only likes to help with the "fun" parts and then wants to move on to other things and leave me alone with the drudgery parts - like cleaning up afterwards! We made a Quiche Lorraine the other day and she was really disappointed because she thought that all pies were dessert and she couldn't believe that I would make a pie that wasn't sweet. I think that she liked the quiche, but she just couldn't admit it. She really likes when we make things that she loves - like pudding.

We have also read together and I tell her bed time stories (which I am required to make up and she usually falls asleep midway through them). We spent a couple of days working on an art project - we made an pond with lily pads and water lilies and a frog out of origami. Hannah made the origami frog all by herself (well, with the help of a you-tube video). It was really very well done. Hannah loves a challenge and has become obsessed with playing the card game solitaire - she gets so frustrated when she loses. Sometimes her and my dad play on opposite side of the table to see who does the best.

When Hannah spends the night, she sleeps in my room at my parent's house. It is a small room with only a twin bed and a chair. I sleep in the bed and Hannah makes a bed of soft blankets and comforters on the floor beside my bed. When I was using the walker, crutches, and cane, Hannah would always say before going to bed, "Aunt Debbie, don't step on me during the night, I don't want to waked up squashed!" I did always worry about that - I was rather unstable on my feet and I would always have to get up two or three times during the night - sometimes to go to the bathroom and sometimes to move into the chair when the bed or my sleeping position became too painful. Each morning, I tease her that I didn't squash her during the night - it has become a running joke.

I have to admit - I have really enjoyed this time that I have had to spend with Hannah. I don't have children of my own, and although I have always taken time to spend with all of the nieces and nephews, I have never spent as much summer time and un-scheduled time with any of the other ones. I have vacationed with my sister's family before and gone away for weekends, etc., but this has been different. I hope that someday when Hannah is old, she will look back with fondness on the summer of 2011 - when she and Aunt Debbie had summer camp for two!

ELVIS - 8/16/1977 gone but not forgotten

I was listening to the radio on the way over to my house earlier today and I heard an Elvis song, "Burning Love". After the song ended, the DJ mentioned that another Elvis song would be played shortly. The station was doing a tribute weekend in honor of the anniversary of Elvis' death. Even now, if asked, I could tell you that Elvis died on August 16, 1977. Yes, I am one of those people that still remembers exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news. I remember being in total disbelief.

In August of 1977, I was on summer break from high school. I am sure that I spent part of the summer contemplating what it was going to be like to be a high school senior when school started in early September. Elvis was probably not a huge focus of mine at that time of my life, but if asked, I still would have said that I loved him. That day, I was in the downstairs television room at my parent's house watching an afternoon movie. I loved old movies and whenever I got the chance, I would watch the one that came on in the afternoon. Our house didn't have central air conditioning and the tv room was partially underground, so it was the coolest place in the house. I don't remember what the movie was, but I do remember the phone ringing and at the same time, our next door neighbor, Mrs. Palma, was yelling over the fence. The phone was ringing and Mrs. Palma was yelling, "get Debbie, tell her to come quick - has she heard?" Mom grabbed the phone - it hung on the kitchen wall, the room next to the tv room. I got up from the sofa that was in front of the tv and went to the back yard to find out what Mrs. Palma was yelling about. I was sort of annoyed - I hate it when someone interrupts a movie! At almost the same time as I stepped through the door and into the yard, I could hear my mom on the phone saying "Oh, Lou, I can't believe that!". She sounded upset as she hung up the phone and then followed me out the door. Mrs. Palma taling fast, but the jist of what she was saying was "Did you hear - Elvis is dead!" I started to deny it. It couldn't be true. If Elvis were dead, I somehow would have known it the instant that it happened - I would have felt my heart break. But, my mom was repeating the same thing. Her brother had just called to tell her. After it all sort of sunk in, I walked back into the house to turn off the television so that I could walk across the alley to tell my friend Brenda. When I looked at the tv, here was a special report and a news person was talking about Elvis being found dead. I remember being in shock and disbelief and totally sad the rest of the week.

Elvis was a huge part of my early life. I loved Elvis for as long as I can remember. I loved the young Elvis, the singer Elvis, the actor Elvis, even the fat Elvis. I still have a few of my Elvis albums - even now, I can't bare to part with them - I don't listen to them anymore, but I can't discard something so important with that part of my young life. Eventhough in my heart, I knew that he was a terrible actor, I have probably seen every movie that he has ever starred in. And, if I happen to flip past a station playing one of them, I will most likely pause for a while and watch a part of it - just to see his smile and hear a song or two. My friend Brenda and I used to fight over which one of us would marry Elvis when we grew up! We would sing Elvis songs and play "meeting and marrying Elvis" in our back yards. Till this day, I do not like Priscilla Beaulieu Presley! I hated her when Elvis married her, I hated her more when she divorced Elvis and I hated her even more when she became a tv personality. Childhood hatreds die hard!

It is strange how that song and the DJ's reminder of the anniversary of Elvis' death brought all of those memories back to me. I had wanted desperately to see Elvis in concert and never did. I remember pleading with my father to let me watch the Elvis Concert via satelite from Hawaii when it was on. He was watching something else and finally he gave in and changed the channel so that I could watch Elvis in the white jumpsuit with the rhinestones.

I'll have to play a few of my favorite Elvis songs (I have the collection on CD now) later this week as a tribute and a memory of my first infatuation with a star. There were others back then (Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy) and a few in more recent history, but none of my infatuations, past or present, have ever rivaled my love of Elvis.