HIP SURGERY ON MONDAY

What a way to start the week, total hip replacement! I am not happy about it, but I guess that I am prepared. The good part is that I will be the first surgery of the day - that way I'll get the surgery part over with fast. The bad part is that the physical therapy can be grueling and it will tie me down for about six weeks. Sort of unfair, I was finally getting some freedom and driving again and also staying at my own house. Now, all that will stop again. Oh well, not much that I can do about it, but work on my recovery and heal as fast as I can. Just one more obstacle to overcome.

Oncologist Visit and Ugly Doll

I saw my oncologist this week - just a follow-up. She is very pleased with my recovery (I guess that the brain issues and hip issues and upcoming surgery are not very important to an oncologist). Okay, sorry, I know that I am being negative. I have lots and lots to be thankful for and with all that I went through, I am lucky to be alive and doing as well as I am! I know and understand that. I also try very hard to celebrate all the good things in my life, but sometimes being told that I am "fortunate", just gets old and annoying!

Anyway, I digress. My office visit went well and all my blood work was good and I have now "graduated" to only seeing her every three months. I will also have a brain CT scan in March - after the hip surgery, I can no longer have MRI's. So, lots of good news. I gave Dr. Rao a little present - it was a clip on Ugly Doll. Ugly Doll's have sort of been my "thing" since the whole cancer stuff. I'm not exactly sure when I said it or to whom, but at some point, I was feeling low and my hair was falling out and skin peeling and I said "I feel like an ugly doll". The reply was "well, Ugly Dolls are adorable". So, to me, Ugly Dolls have been a symbol of recovery - yes, I might have felt "ugly", but I really was "adorable". I have given Ugly Dolls to some co-workers, family members (Hannah loves them), some favorite nurses and a few friends throughout this cancer ordeal. I would have liked to buy an Ugly Doll for everyone in my life, but then I would need to have gotten back to work and be making some overtime for that! Dr. Rao is not normally a very demonstrative person - she is very business-like and matter-of-fact. I was surprised to see her almost (almost) tear-up when I gave her the little Ugly Doll. She said that she was going to put it on her purse. While I was checking out and making my next appointments (Not until March - yeah!), I heard her telling her staff about the Ugly Doll and how cute it was! Made me feel good. It was a good day all around. I'm not bragging - but for now, I am one-up on cancer!

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals is Happiness"

"The Ultimate Goal of All Goals Is Happiness" - I read that quote by Deepak Chopra in today's newspaper. There was a short interview with Chopra, a self-help guru, regarding New Year's resolutions. It is funny, but I have not really thought about any resolutions this year - one would think that I would have had a lot of them after the year that I had (or more like year and a half!). I know who Chopra is, but don't think that I have ever really read any of his works or heard him speak or anything, but what he said in the interview intrigued me greatly. He said that "what people most want is happiness". He referenced research on happiness and said that it shows the following things: "Happy people always look for opportunities where others are seeing crisis. Happy people have meaning and purpose in their lives. Happy poople are creative, and happy people know how to make other people happy. They're very good at building relationships, not networking but building authentic relationships." I am going to ponder that for a while, but I guess that I now know what my New Year's Resolution is - to be happy. I am just not sure what exactly I need to do to achieve happiness, but I will work on it! If I figure out the answer, I will let you know, but for now, I will at least seek the answer.

CHRISTMAS EVE 2010

My Christmas Eve 2010 sure is a lot different than Christmas Eve 2009! I don't remember every detail of that day, but I do know that I was a patient in the hospital. I know that I was very ill and felt terrible. I know that I had no real freedom and was not able to drive or live in my own home - I could barely be alone at all. I had visitors during the day and at some point, my sister and I wrapped some presents (I should say "attempted" to wrap presents - it took a lot more energy than I actually had to do the little that I did). I also remember that my life seemed very bleak and it was very difficult to forsee any better future. I was sick and tired and I could not visualize a day when I would't be. I was barely eating or drinking and nothing tasted good. I remember watching Midnight Mass at the Vatican on the tiny television set in my room. I was alone and tired, but could't sleep. I remember that Nurse Rose would come by every so often to check on me or bring me medications. There was an altercation at the mass and someone tried to attack the Pope. I remember being in total disbelief and telling Nurse Rose about it when she came into my room later on - I wasn't sure if she actually believed me at the time. (The Nurses were all aware of the hallucinations that I sometimes had as a side effect of the steroids). I tried to stay awake to listen to the choir, hoping that the sounds of Christmas would somehow make me feel better. I dozed in and out until I finally turned off the television - it was more distracting than soothing. It is strange what memories "stick" and which ones don't. It is strange that these are the things that come to mind when I think of Christmas Eve last year.

So, a year later and I wake up in my own bed in my own home. No, I am only living there part-time, but I am still "living" there. I drove myself to my own house in my own car - yes, I have a valid driver's license again. Oddly enough, I woke up this morning feeling rather "down". I had so many hopes for this Christmas season and it seemed as if none of my hopes had been fulfilled. I felt tired - deep down tired. I got out of bed and drove my car to the food store and took care of a few errands and then went back home and back to bed. I was still deep down tired. When I woke up, I was sort of annoyed that I had "things" to do. I needed to get ready for a party. At that time, I didn't want to do anything - and I really didn't want to go to a party. It was too much "work" to get dressed and ready to go be social. All of a sudden, the party and the holiday felt like an obligation and not something fun. The feeling was making me more tired and more down. After a while, I did get dressed and ready for the party. My parents drove me there (I am still not really comfortable driving at night). That was another thng that had me down - I had achieved my goal to be able to drive again, but my driving is still limited. I want to be able to drive like I did before the brain surgery and chemotherapy treatments! Well, after arriving at the party, my spirits were lifted. People were laughing and talking and eating and drinking and so was I. Somewhere between getting in the car to go to the party and the first fifteen minutes of the party I went from seeing the glass as half empty to seeing the glass as half full. No, my health and life and circumstances are not all that I want them to be, but they sure are a lot better than they were a year ago. I wonder what myself of a year ago would have thought of myself today? A year ago, I was very down (with good reason), but I could not even see the possibility of attending a party, eating good food (and enjoying the taste of it), holding a nice conversation, being in a social setting without worrying about "catching something". This morning when I woke up I had forgotten the rule that I have been trying to live by - the rule of "one day at a time". I was looking too much at the big picture and too little at the segments of the journey. It is odd, I usually would say that I see things more clearly early in the day. That is not so today. Today, it took me until this late in the evening to really see how far I have come on this journey and just how much I have achieved. Yes, I will spend the remainder of this Christmas Eve celebrating the differences between last year and this year. So many good accomplishments - so many good things to look forward to. No, my recovery is not complete - it may never be. But I have moved forward on the path. And hopefully, each day, I will move a little more forward. That is all I can ask for. Yes, I am truly fortunate. And yes, now I realize that today was a really good day - full of love and friendship and achievements and accomplishments. Well, it sounds like the mass is starting and I am hoping to hear the choir sing a bit before going to bed. I will watch Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican on the television in my parent's living room. Comfortably on the sofa as my mother sleeps in the chair. No nurses will check on me or bring me medications. What a difference a year makes! Merry Christmas to all.

THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR - A YEAR LATER

On December 11, 2009, I rode in an ambulance and don't even remember it! Even knowing that surgery and another hospital stay is in my future, my December and beginning of the holiday season 2010 is WAY better than last years. As an odd coincidence, I spent part of today at Towson Town Center and I saw the Santa that I waited in line last year to have my picture taken with. I didn't bother this year - it was weird, I recognized him immediately and then the memories of what followed struck me. Yes, some memories are still buried, like the ambulance ride, but others - the needles, hallucinations, therapy, swallowing problems, learning to walk again, etc., yes, those memories are still fresh. But, today, instead of being admitted to the hospital, I woke up early, did some Christmas shopping, I had dinner with my parents, checked up on some friends on Face Book, chatted with my sister on the phone and am getting ready to climb into my very own bed in my own home. Yes, things are a lot better this year! Lots to be thankful for.

The "hip" thing

If you have been following the Blog, you know that my hip/leg has been bothering me. I have seen several doctors and finally had an MRI and have now consulted with two different orthopaedic surgeons. Well - I don't like what either of them has had to say! SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM. Okay, I am done venting, now it is time to take some action. Of course, the two doctors don't say the same exact thing - but the bottom line with any treatment is that I need surgery! I know, believe me, the last thing in the world that I wanted to have to do anytime soon was go back to the hospital and have surgery - no way. Well, I don't think that I have a choice. I am going to weigh the options and procedures; decide between surgeons and hospitals; and formulate a time-line and plan. I hope to have some decisions made and a plan in motion early next week. Details to follow. As you can imagine, I have gone between shock and anger, but at least I know that it is not cancer. So, good news. Annoying news, but good news too.

LOST AND FOUND

If you have followed by Blog, you know that I spent last Christmas in the hospital and just prior to Christmas, I was very very sick. Well, I had tried to prepare for Christmas and bought some presents in advance,etc. I put those presents away and told my family where to find them to prepare for Christmas Day while I was in the hospital. Well, late Christmas Eve, my sister discovered that I did not have a present for Hannah (who was 9 at the time). We remembered buying it and I thought that it was in a gift bag, but no one could find it. Bonnie and my parents looked everywhere, but no present for Hannah. Well, it was too late to buy anything and I had some cute pencils and pad of paper and I had my sister wrap them so that I would have something to hand to Hannah when she visited me in the hospital on Christmas. I was totally upset and frustrated over the whole thing - probably much more than I should have been. Hannah took it all in stride and was not overly concerned. I promised to make it up to her after Christmas, and eventually I did. Well, as these things go - I have been trying to get some organization in my house and am cleaning out some closets, etc. Low and behold, I found Hannah's Christmas gifts! I was so excited and was just positive that they were somewhere in my house. Well, they were hidden under a shelf in a coset and could only be seen if you were on the floor and looking into the closet. (That is actually how I found the box - I was crawling on the floor with the closet open trying to find something that I had dropped and thought that it rolled into the closet!) I know, a totally wacky story, but sort of a full circle kind of thing. I had been so frazzled by the lost presents and now I know that they were here the whole time - just not findable. The really cute outfit that I bought for Hannah back then will not fit her now, but it is more the principal of it.