Just when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I realized that it was just a train heading towards me! I have been so excited because I
thought that I only had only two more chemotherapy treatments left. Well, I was wrong. I guess you really should not meet with your oncologist to discuss your treatment protocol after a crationomy. :) I apparently only read two of the three pages of treatment protocol - Phase I includes 8 chemo treatments 2 weeks apart (the most aggressive portion of the schedule); Phase II includes 6 chemo treatments once a month (which should be far less aggressive and debilitating, I hope); and Phase III is radiation and/or cyber knife (the radiation is a bit controversial, so I will research that further before agreeing to it). When I discussed the additional 6 chemo treatments with my doctor, I was devasted. I was so excited to be close to the end. I sat in my bed for three hours and cried. All the nurses came in and tried to comfort me and wanted to call in the clergy and/or social worker. I knew that I didn't need that sort of support - I just needed to get my head around the timing - I don't want more treatments, but I really don't want to be in treatment for another 6 months! Well, I pulled myself together and refocused and re-read the protocol and understand why I need the additional 6 "maintenance" chemotherapy treatments. The data clearly shows a greater success rate if the protocol is followed closely. It is my decision and I could refuse to have the additional treatments, but I know that I have a greater chance of eradicating any cancer cells with the additional treatments, so as long as my body can take it, I will continue the treatments.
I am very angry at myself for focusing on the 8 treatments and forgeting about the other 6 and I have told everyone that this is almost over. For getting up all your hopes (and mine) I truly apologize. I do know that the first 8 will be the toughest, so the second 6 should allow me more freedom and independence (I hope).
What I ask of all my family, friends, co-workers, and fans is their continued support, positive thoughts and prayers. I am determined to put this treatment and cancer behind me, it is just going to take a bit longer than I had expected!
It doesn't matter how many treatments you need we will be with you all the way, even if the hospital rooms are hot and boring, even if your parents house is hot and the tv blairing. Just having a big sister in my life is all I could ask for, besides my kids need help with their homework and then there is college work and I'm sure we should be talking about another fun vacation where you can fly to and we can drive another 50 hours in the van, but at the end of the day and 75 grey hairs later what is family for? Love Bonnie
ReplyDeleteI hear your disappointment but u are strong and deternined to put this behind u and you will. As u said it will just take a little longer. Today I picture u sitting by the window looking at the winter wonderland being created. So relax, get your strength back, and do what u have been doing, "one day at a time." J
ReplyDeleteHang in there Debbie. I am pulling for you and looking forward to celebrating your 50th birthday with you in style! Take care, Ros
ReplyDeleteKeep those positive thoughts going! You have alot to celebrate this year! I'm home with another dreadful cold. Hope its gone by the weekend - we are coming up and I would love to stop by, that is, if the airports are open!
ReplyDeleteLove, Taina